I began my journey with applied behavior analysis in July 2020 upon being hired by the New England Center for Children (NECC). While at NECC I was able to gain educational experience through my time on the Day Team by getting a firm grasp on discrete trial training, task analysis, and other academic ABA principles. However, I found myself being drawn towards behavior, and shortly transferred to NECC’s Intensive Treatment Team (ITT). The ITT was the catalyst for my desire to try to understand and ultimately positively change behavior through data-based interventions. Unfortunately, the vast majority of my students on the ITT were placed in our care due to the clinical severity of their cases. It was our job to manage and problem-solve severe cases of self-injurious behavior, non-redirectable aggression, and ritualistic behavior, as well as students in crisis. To better understand my students, I decided to enroll in a graduate program through Endicott College to obtain my master's in behavior analysis. Despite having some knowledge through working in close contact with my supervisors and clinical team, I felt like I was doing a disservice to my students by not understanding core principles such as functional analysis, schedules of reinforcement, and much more. I wanted to be more than just an employee who was able to follow directions, instead, I wanted to dive deeper and understand why clinical decisions were being made based on a student’s presentation. Through the Dr. Meme Heineman Scholarship, I hope to offset some of the cost of graduate school. Direct care work can be stressful, and often managing problem behavior through the implementation of protective measures can be exhausting. I have found myself picking up significant overtime hours to both help our severely understaffed team, as well as to offset the cost of my education. Despite the amount of evidence-based research conducted by the likes of Skinner, Carr & Durand, Iwata, and more, the field of ABA is still new having only been founded in 1967. We understand that through Lovaas (1987) early intervention utilizing applied behavioral practices is effective in the acquisition of skills for individuals with autism. However, despite the length of time that has passed since the Lovaas study, behavior analysts continue to struggle to effectively program generalization as well as maintain certain learned behaviors. Additionally, when analyzing Carr & Durand's (1985) FCT, it is clear that functional communication serves as differential reinforcement to maladaptive problem behavior through teaching an alternative response to garner reinforcement appropriately. However, despite understanding this, after rerunning their experiment in 1992 deduced that maintenance of FCT did not last longer than two years. Unfortunately, significant problems arise for older learners with autism with data showing that adult learners showcase significant regression in previously maintained skills, as well as have less funding and support overall. We are at the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the field of applied behavior analysis, however, the field will need continued and constant peer revision as well as a continued drive towards equity for all learners with autism regardless of age, race, financial status, etc. The lack of attention paid to older learners is what drives my passion for ABA. Throughout my time working as a behavior analyst, I have been with students aged 18-22 and I have worked tirelessly to help them transition to adult placement. Unfortunately, we aren’t always successful. I have had students who have been denied adult placement due to the severity of their challenging behavior, or due to the number of resources that it would take to staff specific students. It’s devastating when a student does not qualify. It hurts to feel like you failed them, and failed is a word I don’t use lightly. I have seen a side of autism that most people never will. Students who will have aggression due to staff proximity, automatically maintained head-directed self-injurious behavior, as well as attempted bolts to major roads or dangerous locations. In all cases, I am proud to say we have seen a decrease in their behavior, but on the rare occasion it isn’t enough you feel deflated. The unfortunate truth is, if we fail these people, they will end up in a hospital being medically treated for the rest of their lives. My goal is to make sure that no adolescent transitions into adulthood without first finding an ethical adult placement. The Dr. Meme Heineman Scholarship will help take a certain weight off my back. I have always been highly motivated in my graduate studies (maintaining a 4.0) as well as working a significant amount of overtime to not only afford school but the general cost of living as well. This scholarship would alleviate my main stressor of money from my mind and continue to allow me to put my best foot forward at both school and work, and not burn out from the overstimulation of stress. I feel like a good candidate for this generous award because my goals and future research are in areas where little has been done up to this point. Older learners and adults have significantly fewer resources available to them, as well as significantly less research done on them, and it is my goal to change that. Overall, I am an extremely persistent advocate for my students and have dedicated my path to helping adolescents and adults receive the treatment that they deserve. I have worked/work for reputable organizations such as NECC as well as currently at Melmark New England. I am extremely grateful to apply and be considered for this scholarship as I believe that this scholarship will be extremely beneficial to my personal and professional development, as it will alleviate a lot of stress surrounding the financial aspect of funding my education and allow me some breathing room to focus more on work and school.

January 17, 2019 was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Shortly after two years from my bananniversary (October 3, 2017, The first banana I ever ate), I learned I was allergic to my favorite new fruit... and much more. January 17, 2019 lives in infamy because it was the first day I learned I was allergic to EVERYTHING. I like to eat, I love all food, I love cooking all food, I love eating all food, the only thing I didn't like was this strange sensation in my esophagus. After many appointments I finally had a upper endoscopy and upon removal of tissue in my throat I was found to have an autoimmune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE). Long story short, those effected by EoE have their white blood cells attack foods they deem as toxins and create a build up in the throat. Following my diagnosis I have had to undergo procedures to remove the excess white blood cells and check up to make sure there are no more build ups. The surgeries never bothered me, I've underwent my fair share of non-food related procedures, so these endoscopies were a walk in the park. That is, until my hospital bills. Admittedly it was difficult at first to cut out foods I loved, such as cheese, soy sauce for sushi, pine nuts in the form pesto, and worst of all eggs. I miss my egg over medium sandwiches with sausage patties and bacon with sriracha drizzled all over. But I had to stop, it was too expensive and too risky to my health long term to continue eating the foods I loved. There I was, stuck with a six food elimination diet. No more dairy, wheat, egg, soy, peanuts and tree nuts, and fish and shellfish. All of my favorite foods were taken off the table, and no matter how much I love a good steak, I missed my fish the most. Fortunately after years of testing and evaluations, I have been able to add fish and shellfish back into my diet, as well as wheat. I still dream of brie and sharp cheddar cheese. Sushi has never been the same without soy sauce, but I'm happy that some of the foods I love were able to make their return to my belly. Jokes aside it's difficult living having to be extremely conscious of what I'm putting into my body. I work direct care as a teacher, and the food provided on the job typically always has ingredients that would inevitably require me to be back on the operating table. Working with students with autism, the menu is often fairly similar as well as appealing. Lots of pizza, cheese burgers, egg based dishes etc. I would like to use my MS in ABA to help early intervention for young children with autism to expand their palette so it's not just chicken fingers and pizza for every meal as a lot of my students have health problems due to the nutrition (or lack their of) that they are receiving. I would be extremely grateful for this scholarship, because school is already expensive enough let alone inflation for groceries. My diet is unfortunately expensive and any money I can save from school, helps me be properly nourished to put my best foot forward in both classroom settings I'm involved in. My classroom with my students as well as being the student myself.

Every day I know I need three things to make sure that I remain at baseline. When I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2019, I quickly realized that my life choices drastically impacted my day to day living. I've never considered myself to be an unhealthy person, I've always exercised, eaten well, and tried to make choices that would lead to me living a long healthy life. However I never realized the impact missing a meal, or not sleeping well enough would have on my next day or even week(s). I try and stay healthy for all the reasons you'd expect. To prevent bad health, to promote fluidity in my joints to promote heath for years to come. Those reasons are good enough for me to want whats best for my body. But the mental side is what keeps me consistent. I've seen what my brain can do to me if I don't take care of it. At the end of the day I try and live healthy so I can live. Live in obvious sense of not dying, but also live each day to the fullest. To give maximum effort in hopes that I can achieve my full potential.

Currently, my room is a mess, my car is packed full of clothes, and I've eaten fast food for a week straight. I'm not always like this. In fact I despise being like this. There is a direct correlation to my quality of life, based on cleanliness and structure I've provided for myself. To take it back from the start, I was never inherently a clean individual. I was raised as an only child and never had chores or expectations placed upon me as long as I kept common areas clean. It wasn't until I got to college that I started to understand how living a clean life added way more value than just aesthetics. It was around this time that I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I quickly learned the importance of structure in my life. In the literal sense, I maintained not only communal environments but my own space as well. I found that it did something for my brain, living clean and organized allowed me the freedom of not having to stress or focus on small tasks, or allow those small tasks to cloud my brain from being able to begin the important tasks such as my studies. However, clean living starts well before organization for me. For me, clean living starts and ends with how I fuel my body. Proper hydration, being sure to eat three nutritious meals a day, and getting proper sleep and exercise are the foundation in which I build my stability. Although I can sustain myself for a period of time if I slack off on maintaining my foundation, the negative side effects of a lack of clean living disrupt my lifestyle immensely, and I find it hard to get back on track. After getting my first apartment, I struggled initially to make sure I was not only living my clean and healthy lifestyle, but in making sure that my environment was suitable to live in. I made excuses for why I wasn't doing laundry (national coin shortage with coin op machines), or that I could just clean my dishes in the morning. But almost on command, the stress I felt from not being on top of my life led to a downward spiral of me breaking the rules of my foundation. It wasn't easy at first to get back on track, it took some trial and error, but I learned that I do best when I start with hydration. I exercised in the morning to feel energized for the day, and burning calories early made sure that I was nourishing myself with the right foods three times a day. Sleep came easy at this point and I made sure to never leave any chores for a later time if I could help it. Which leads me here, trying to reestablish myself after living out of my truck, not having a kitchen to cook in, and definitely not exercising. My quality of life as I would expect has deteriorated. I am not willing to make excuses for myself. Adversity struck and instead of maintaining the basics, I became complacent and didn't implement the clean lifestyle I had worked hard to build. It started with cooking dinner one night after finding a new place to live, and turned into cleaning my truck the next day. From there the snowball was unstoppable and I returned to the healthy habits I lived by for so long. Clean living is more than just an aesthetic, it's a direct correlation to my mental health and a showcase of how I am doing.

January 17, 2019 was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Shortly after two years from my bananniversary (October 3, 2017, The first banana I ever ate), I learned I was allergic to my favorite new fruit... and much more. January 17, 2019 lives in infamy because it was the first day I learned I was allergic to EVERYTHING. I like to eat, I love all food, I love cooking all food, I love eating all food, the only thing I didn't like was this strange sensation in my esophagus. After many appointments I finally had a upper endoscopy and upon removal of tissue in my throat I was found to have an autoimmune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE). Long story short, those effected by EoE have their white blood cells attack foods they deem as toxins and create a build up in the throat. Following my diagnosis I have had to undergo procedures to remove the excess white blood cells and check up to make sure there are no more build ups. The surgeries never bothered me, I've underwent my fair share of non-food related procedures, so these endoscopies were a walk in the park. That is, until my hospital bills. Admittedly it was difficult at first to cut out foods I loved, such as cheese, soy sauce for sushi, pine nuts in the form pesto, and worst of all eggs. I miss my egg over medium sandwiches with sausage patties and bacon with sriracha drizzled all over. But I had to stop, it was too expensive and too risky to my health long term to continue eating the foods I loved. There I was, stuck with a six food elimination diet. No more dairy, wheat, egg, soy, peanuts and tree nuts, and fish and shellfish. All of my favorite foods were taken off the table, and no matter how much I love a good steak, I missed my fish the most. Fortunately after years of testing and evaluations, I have been able to add fish and shellfish back into my diet, as well as wheat. I still dream of brie and sharp cheddar cheese. Sushi has never been the same without soy sauce, but I'm happy that some of the foods I love were able to make their return to my belly. Jokes aside it's difficult living having to be extremely conscious of what I'm putting into my body. I work direct care as a teacher, and the food provided on the job typically always has ingredients that would inevitably require me to be back on the operating table. Working with students with autism, the menu is often fairly similar as well as appealing. Lots of pizza, cheese burgers, egg based dishes etc. I would like to use my MS in ABA to help early intervention for young children with autism to expand their palette so it's not just chicken fingers and pizza for every meal as a lot of my students have health problems due to the nutrition (or lack their of) that they are receiving. I would be extremely grateful for this scholarship, because school is already expensive enough let alone inflation for groceries. My diet is unfortunately expensive and any money I can save from school, helps me be properly nourished to put my best foot forward in both classroom settings I'm involved in. My classroom with my students as well as being the student myself.

My brain would have killed me. In fact it tried three times. I'd like to think that I'm a dreamer, but dreams will remain dreams unless you work towards them. I've fundamentally understood the ideals of working hard, pushing forward, and all of the other "American Dream" ideologies implanted in my mind since my youth. But what textbooks, teachers, and parents don't tell you is how to stop a sinking ship that's already sank. I used to blame everyone for how angry I was, how miserable I felt, how I couldn't muster the energy to preform basic life tasks. But how can you blame anyone if you're the problem? Or so I thought. I was 21 when I got diagnosed with bipolar. Along with the diagnosis I got a complementary ambulance ride, a fashionable pair of scrubs, and all of the drawstrings removed from my favorite hoodies and sweatpants. But I also got answers. For the first time doctors noticed that my erratic behavior directly correlated with SSRI medications I was being placed on for depression. I've always been motivated, I always have tried to reach the goals that both myself and others think are attainable for me. Only this time I felt that hope just a bit more. Not only did I have an answer to what I felt was "wrong" with me, but I had a specific treatment plan tailored to help me get better. To my surprise, things did not get instantly better. If anything it made life weird. My girlfriend at the time told me I'd never be able to hold a job, and that this was definitely not my last suicide attempt. I had friends warn me not to share the label that had been bestowed upon me, because having bipolar would not be looked at fondly by others. Most importantly I learned that lithium on its own would not solve all of my problems. To a degree I feel like my perception of what a "normal" person would be. Everyone goes through their ups and downs and it impacts life accordingly, however what makes me a bit different is sometimes its out of my control. I don't understand why I get irritable at the blink of an eye. It shocks me how much sleep, hydration, exercise and proper nutrition play a role in keeping me baseline. Unfortunately, it shocks me even more that I can do everything "right" as I perceive it and still find myself fluctuating out of baseline. Usually these fluctuations are controllable. At least in the sense that I can continue to go about my daily responsibilities and be a functional member of society. But it doesn't always work that way. What scares me the most is I had to take four months off of work utilizing the Family Medical Leave Act in Massachusetts due to an out of the blue instance of self harm. My scars are a reminder of my past and who I am, but this episode was the first in six years. This experience taught me a lot. I learned that I am never as good as I think I am, however, I'm never as bad as I think I am either. I get emotional sometimes thinking about all of the people who have stood by me and supported me whether they know me on a personal level or not. I'm proud to have bipolar because it makes me me. I'm proud to have all my friends, family and support system for sticking with me because I know how hard it can be. Most importantly I'm happy for the understanding I have been able to gain through my own experiences as it helps lend a helping hand to those who may be struggling on the inside, but are doing a great job of hiding it on the outside.

It wasn't until I was 21 that I got an answer to the madness. Three suicide attempts, self inflicted mutilation, three hospital stays, and countless mind numbing pharmaceutical medications later and I found my answer. Friends used to describe me as, "you love him or you hate him". I never could blame them, I never knew what version of myself I was getting each day when I looked at myself in the mirror. I've been told that it's normal for guys my age to get diagnosed at the time that I did, but the label of bipolar disorder didn't feel fair. I initially felt relief. As far as I can remember I had a temper that could shatter a diamond. I would go days without sleeping fantasizing about illogical things, feeling like I could do whatever I wanted, just purely enjoying the rush of living like nothing could ever stop me. But it did. It always did, the euphoria that came from my hypomanic states had an evil twin. When that twin decided to rear its ugly head it ruined me. I'm used to not feeling good, but the depression was debilitating. It's scary because at the blink of an eye, something you found passion in dissipates right in front of you. It was these moments that led me to my darkest times. I never viewed myself as a good person, mostly because I never felt like a good person. The times I could sleep, I would sleep all day and the times I couldn't I laid in bed. I sat there and thought... and thought... and thought. I beat it into myself how I was a waste of a life. To be clear I never thought I was wasting my life, no one deserved to feel the way I felt, or at least that was my belief. Unfortunately there comes a day where self harm can't bring you the feeling you so desire. I like many others looked for a more long term solution to make that pain stop. My final suicide attempt was the best decision I ever made. It's horrible to say but it was a wake up call. The other times were wake up calls too, but this time was different. Not different in the sense of my motivation to try and turn my situation around, I've always loved the hospital and the structure it provides and the opportunity to come out a better person. However the reason this time was different was due to one key observation by a doctor who refused to give up on me. I had been prescribed SSRI's since the age of 14, and unknowingly this form of medication for an individual with bipolar goes together like oil and water. For the first time in 21 years I had a diagnosis that made sense, and I was being treated as such. The path wasn't easy, I had a great support group of friends, and I had one year left of college and things seemed okay, but I've seen how my label effects others too. At the time of my diagnosis I was in a relationship that I had already put strain on due to my erratic behavior prior to my diagnosis. She never could get past that. I was always told that I wasn't good enough, or that people with bipolar can't keep or hold normal jobs, and that I'd probably end up killing myself at a young age. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but I felt a responsibility to punish myself for a disorder I had no control over getting. In some ways she was right, I've struggled with jobs that don't have consistent structure, and sometimes I get slightly off of baseline. But through my daily lithium and continued personal and therapeutic work I've learned that I possess a gift. Everyone has there pro's and con's, just like me, and what I have found is that I have an unrelentless drive to achieve the goals I have set out for. It's made me realize what I'm good at, and in my opinion, I am a great problem solver. I have recently enrolled in a MS in Applied Behavior Analysis in order to study participants behaviors and come up with individualized treatment plans that best suit the individual to set them up for success. Although there are many paths to go down utilizing ABA, Autism and Clinical Psychiatry, being two main candidates, I have not fully decided which path I want to choose. All I've ever known is that I want to be the best possible version of myself at whatever I do. I never believed I could put myself in a position to do so until recently. Bipolar sucks sometimes, but it makes me me. Every problem and hiccup thats occurred along the way has put me here, ideally in a position to succeed, and I hold onto that thought every day.