Waking up in the morning with the desire to walk out into the world and make that day better than the day we had before by applying principles and reflecting on anything we could've done better.

At a charity event i volunteered to work with, I assumed the work would be easy. I was wrong. Not only was it hard labor but it was challenging across the board and customer service is not my strong suit. I found myself making any free time I could with Justin, the 46 year old church member of 21 years who happened to have down syndrome. Talking to Justin made the world seem balanced again amid the craziness of the carnival like charity event. I couldn't get enough of his story, the things he said, the way he thought. It was a breath of fresh air just to talk to someone who was honest and positive about life. I realized then that I had a passion for the people everyone overlooks. Having a mental health disability was not a disability at all, here it was a strength, and a characteristic I admire.

I have always heard that traumatic life experiences can be blocked from a person's memory, yet I always prided myself on my impeccable memory. That is why it shocked me when my Uncle Matt shared a story of picking me up as a child from a courthouse after my mother was taken to prison. I erased this memory somehow even though I knew my mother was in and out of prison my entire childhood throughout into my young adult life. Soon followed even more repressed memories that continue to present themselves as monsters under my bed. Now, as an adult I see all of these experiences as either a family chain or a chain that I, myself can break. For a moment prior to this I was willing to accept the chain and follow the same pattern through justification from inheritances of my own blood. From what I can only describe as a spiritual awakening, I knew at twenty two that I held a responsibility to the boy left at a courthouse to advocate and protect future children in this unimaginable horror. Though I was certain by this point that health care was my calling, I enrolled in a social work introductory course mostly because of financial aid requirements in a semester I only had two nursing courses left before I was eligible for the nursing program. Again, an intervention of God as I quickly saw the passion flow out of me in this field as well as a therapeutic crackling of emotion that I'd never experienced in my three years of college. Not only did I look forward the most to going to my social work classes, I made A's in every one I took. Never being one to quit I kept moving forward with my nursing classes and decided to change from a minor to a major degree in social work as well as nursing. I believe both of these career choices can heal and support those who aren't able to do this on their own. My path is open to provide care for any person in need, just as I was as a child. And that is the most rewarding aspect of my life.

The year was 2017 and I was almost a year into my first job away from my hometown and everyone I knew. I had been in retail management for seven years prior with another company but as they saying goes, suddenly I was a small fish in a big pond. I was accustomed to operating stores of one million or less dollar value volume and maybe a dozen workers. Suddenly I'm responsible for over one hundred employees and over one hundred million dollars in product. As intimidating as all of these changes were, I was determined to do the best job I could possibly do. The demands of this new job and this new city required me to miss every holiday, every family event and every day I was on call to come into work at any time. February 2017 my aunt suffered an accident and was hospitalized. I made every effort to make it out to my hometown to be with her and it seemed Everytime I got to the hospital I had to drive the three hours back to my job. Sadly my aunt's health was declining and the outcome of her wellness seemed dire. Desperate to be able to be there for her and my family, I made the decision to take a leave of absence even though my limited time at this company did not provide me with any paid time off. In this moment that was not my concern. I worked as much as I could but phone but stayed by my aunt's side for three days. The second day she woke up and was completely lucid and able to communicate and even joke with me as we had a fantastic time catching up and reminiscing on older times. It was as if God granted me this one night to have my aunt as I've always known her for my own keeping. The next morning she did not wake up and knowing she needed her rest, I made no efforts to wake her. It was later that day as she remained sleeping that i realized something was not right. I called the appropriate nurses in charge and tests were run and it was discovered she had gone into renal failure. I paid very close attention to all the care that was given to her and the actions of all the hospital employees as I was concerned for my aunt and wanted to be able to replicate the actions when they were not there and I was alone with her. During this period, there was a shift in idealistic thinking inside of me that remains inexplicable to me even today. I was meant to do more than produce gross profit for company's who likely only saw me as a number instead of a person. I always knew I needed more, but it was not uncovered until I was there alone with my aunt hours away from leaving this world. I watched the doctors and nurses as they performed their duties and thought to myself "what could be more rewarding than knowing you have provided care to another person in need of life or death assistance?" The key was in the door, and I realized all I had to do was turn it. My summer 2017 I was enrolled in college for the first time in my life and had my goals focused solely on a bachelor's degree in nursing. As terrified as I was, I just kept moving forward and in times of doubt I recalled February 2017 and the light that God showed me then.

Being different from everyone isn't what anyone would want to be, yet being different is what Ive grown to love about myself more than anything. When we stop trying to make everyone accept us outwardly and start looking inwardly is when we make progress. My generation has begun to see that there is nothing to prove here. We are the next leaders of the world. Paul Garcia Instagram: paulnickk Snapchat: paulnick19 www.facebook.com/paul.garcia. 1441

My journey to self acceptance was a long winding road that I learned early on was one I'd have to walk alone. Born into a proud Hispanic family, anything other than what was socially acceptable was not tolerated. Growing up with mostly women and three sisters I naturally acquired a feminine behavior that came naturally to me, but was disciplined and reprimanded by my elder family members as it was against their way of life and therein, their reflection of themselves through me. Understanding that being who I am was not the correct way to be, I learned to suppress these things and mold myself into the man that they wanted me to be. Fast forward a couple decades and things are pretty much the same here. I am a masculine, educated, driven, proud young Hispanic man. The only problem I had was I hated him. Yet still, my desire to be accepted and loved eclipsed the dirty little secret I hid from everyone so well. In truth, I was scared alone and I hated myself. I resented my family for making me feel I had to be someone else to be essentially loved by my own family. As I grew, I sought after partners who were just like me, who did not accept who they were either. Men who were comfortable with themselves and unafraid of being judged were the enemy. They posed threat that I could be exposed and somehow lose my standing as an accepted, proud, masculine Hispanic young man. The young man that soon would seek therapy to understand why. Why am I so detached? Why do I get so angry at the entire world? Why do I let people control me like I do? Still afraid of being judged, Id leave out the truth and expect answers. Nothing. As I remained stuck in this shell of a man I didn't even know, I came to finally admit to myself that I was a gay man. First step, tell my therapist. I walked in proudly and left with my head down as I was told that it wasn't natural to be that way and didn't make any sense because I am not flamboyant and attention seeking. I never went back. Something inside me kept telling me that just because everyone around me disagrees with this, I know I cannot be "unnatural" because this is the most natural I've ever felt. I met a man who quickly became my mentor and life coach who made me understand life a little more clearly. That it was my life, given to me by God, who does not make mistakes in any way. I learned to accept that His love for me was all that I needed. I couldn't believe it was this simple. I went back and visited that little boy and I told him that it was okay to play, be silly, and act as feminine as he wants to because he is loved always.

Understanding the world as a man in general can be a lifelong process, but going through it as anyone socially different can be a challenge. I don't feel homosexuality is what I see myself as, I see myself as just me and I have too much belief and love in myself to not be affected by any negativity or different treatment from the world around me. This is not to imply that I have not come across situations where people or groups of a more standardized lifestyle placed judgement on mine, but I've never once let it prevent me from being who I am. This is one thing that I admire about myself! I've been told that I'm not going to heaven, going to die of AIDS, not natural and literally compared to a child molester by my own families church pastor. When these things are said or when they happen I do not take them personally because I know that the source speaking these things aren't aware of what they are saying at all. For example, the pastor that said these things to a stadium filled audience that basically hung onto every word he spoke. I was not offended. I was angry. I was angry because I knew that somewhere in that building was a youth unsure and scared gay that was being reinforced even more to be scared of being who they are. I felt a person of his standing and position should respect that people are different and it doesn't mean they are bad. He should have known the difference between what the bible says and the personal judgment he was replacing the verses with. For this I went to him after the services and let him know that he was wrong for preaching the comparison of homosexuality to that of a predator or "the enemy" trying to lure you to hell. I let him know that I was a gay man and I was not unnatural, but a child of God and will be in His kingdom with everyone else when I leave this earth. As a naturally masculine person I'm not usually in a situation where I feel the need to let any person know my personal life but this was about the generations after me. It is absolutely unacceptable to be drilling people's heads with these ideas especially this day and age where I believed we had progressed in most all areas. The pastor went on to disagree and tell me that God didn't intend for me to with a man, etc. It was pure judgement and perhaps a lining of personal homophobia out of personal hatred for personal feelings. Yet still I don't see how anyone couldn't look past that and atleast let children know they will be loved and accepted no matter who they are. Again, I am not the pride marcher or peaceful protest type and generally don't think my love life is anyone's business but in that moment I knew I needed to be a voice for that young person who would probably never feel normal. This is one story in one small town. I've been fortunate enough to have traveled different countries and to have seen different cultures and the "don't ask don't tell" silent policy is very prevalent but it is better than when I was younger and it will be a long road before we don't have to face any discrimination. It starts with one voice and one seed planted that homosexuality isn't foreign or sadistic or a choice. Passing judgement to me is fine because I am fine with me and that didn't happen overnight, but I never would wish years of self denial on anyone if it can be avoided.

The Candle In Co-vid In the Springtime of 2020 my life was changing directions in the largest way up to that point. I made the decision to move in with my long term girlfriend who lived one hundred miles away so this would involve switching schools, job, and cities of residency. My goal was a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing and I had been at my local community college for the past two and a half years gathering my prerequisites and though I could have transferred my credits to my new university, I felt a personal motivational factor would be for me to get my Associate of Arts Degree. I had chosen all online classes that spring because I knew I would be making this transition so school wasn't an issue. I was furloughed from my job a little over two months into my employment and placed on unemployment for the first time in my life. However it did allow more time to study and prepare for my transition to my new college in my new city that fall. My girlfriend's grandmother passed away in April 2020 and it was very hard on her and her entire family whom I'd grown to love and have a wonderful relationship with as well. As finals were among me and the closing of community college and my first degree weeks away I made the decision to continue studying and focus mostly on finishing as strongly as I possibly could. Of course I was there as much as I could, but as a result of this my level of emotional support for them was limited and unfortunately seen as me being an absent boyfriend. The misunderstanding from them of my academic goals showed me that their understanding in general wasn't there for me. I did finish strongly and was awarded my Associate Degree, yet the sacrifices made it seem less of an achievement at that time. My relationship ended and I moved back to my hometown and was not sure if continuing my education was even worth it any longer. That same week my best friend and his father both died of coronavirus. With all of the restrictions necessary, the mother and wife Mrs. Gaspard was unable to see or touch her son or husband of forty years during the last or after moments of their lives. I saw this as my time of duty to be the person she could touch and hold as we both grieved over these losses. My grief was slight in comparison to hers so I tried my best to be supportive, strong, and an emotional outlet for her. To this day I continue to do this as she now lives alone for the first time and has no other children to look after. It was not until after the funerals and mourning's that I realized what it was that was actually happening to me. I was being shown my path. The path I was on for years before my world changed and the reason I wanted to take that path in the first place, which was to not only help save lives but to also give a level of humanity to the loved ones who are being cared for. The understanding and comfort of a nurse can be one of the most important roles for us, yet it can often be overlooked in the web of science we also have to excel at. I wanted to bring that humanity into the field and I lost sight of that. Losing my friends to coronavirus gave it back to me.

Typically the season of Springtime are all of the things mentioned, and for good reason. It's almost like the beginning of a new year...new bright colors and sunshine, new year and a new chance to make this year better than the last. However this spring may be a bit less to be anticipated with the economy still in the woods and the continual social ethic problems overtaking the news stations. The past year in my opinion is the most I have ever had to spend "mandatory" time in my home. Something that was always once an option. From pandemics to hurricanes to power plant explosions to ice storms. It has not been a year for the weak that is certain. I have many family members and we are very close so the chances of one of us losing our way is unlikely. But as I read the essay instructions all I could think of was my best friends mother who last year lost her only child and her husband in the same week. Now, as a widow and completely independent woman for the first time in her life she is very unfamiliar with this way of life. As a woman of a certain age with her own health problems it is unsettling to imagine what could go wrong while she is in her home by herself. I've become more social and all around helper for her out of respect for my friend and my love for their family but as one incident occured where she had fallen and could not reach for help and I got worried of course but started to think of something I could do to get her help in the event that this happened again. Yes we have medic alert bracelets, we have speak to text, we can even alert a Bluetooth speaker device that we are in need of help. The problem is that this particular situation, the woman is too young for an alert bracelet and too old to understand how to operate the high technology advancements we have made in the last few decades. So what can a person in this situation do? A mid sixty year old woman with health conditions that has fallen in her empty home and no way to seek aid. Assuming her cell phone or any communication device is within reach we have to think of something that can be worn at all times bringing us back to the bracelet. Yet, as the progression of technology has grown...this type of product I don't feel has. I think there should be a GPS navigated device in the form of a piece of jewelry that does not present itself as a medic alert bracelet, but a piece of jewelry that could change with each individual person. A ring, a bracelet, necklace, earrings... With an emergency related button in times of crisis. Something that can be worn at all times and won't give the impression that the person is someone who could need emergency assistance at any moment therein making themselves feel helpless or seen as old and weak. My friends mother was eventually able to get up but what if she couldn't have and no one was ever there to find her? This is something that has happened to another friend of mines mother during the ice storm and ultimately ended her life because no one knew she was stuck outside in the ice. This type of jewelry would not be hard to fund. I believe it would save many lives and tech could join forces with/for health companies too.