The song that holds the most message for me is Hideaway by Erasure on the Circus album. The message was that I could still survive even being rejected by my loved ones. I could be brave on my own. When I got into long-term recovery from substance abuse and mental illness in the summer of 1990, I listened to this song (and the rest of the album) daily. I felt so alone living in an Oxford house at age 19. Both of my parents had enabled my substance use, and so I was forbidden to live with either of them as part of my aftercare plan. This song helped me plumb the depths of my grief and sit still with it. I felt sad from being rejected by my father in rehab. He denied my diseases in a family session while I was still inpatient. I could no longer trust him for emotional support. This song helped me survive and do the next right thing anyway. I revisited this song about 3 years later, putting it back into daily rotation, when I started to question my sexuality and gender. I was rejected by my very Catholic mother. The lack of support made me feel sad and separated from her. This song helped me to be brave and do well. I did not come out to my dad for another year or two more. Doing so was very scary, and he did not respond right away. I needed to listen to listen to the album again while I awaited his reaction and expected fall-out. Once again, I grew strength and bravery from this song.

Recovery at its root is a restoration to sanity. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps means that I am fit to carry the message to others, but I must first be restored to a state of grace (whether or not such a state was ever a part of my life before I began using) to do anything. In my case, I needed to get clean before I could treat my mental illnesses, before I could be a partner or friend or son, before I could study, before I could understand my sexuality, before I could know my purpose, before I could unearth my childhood traumas, and before I could be of use in any other area of my life. Recovery is the foundation of my life, and I am so grateful that it started back on June 8th, 1990. It was on that day that I asked for help, and it was that day I accepted the help that was offered. I have been clean ever since. I am about to graduate with a Bachelor of Social Work degree, and I am applying to graduate schools to get my Master of Social Work degree.