“Enter your password.” That is my iPhone telling me to unlock my notes. The place where I hide, my safe space, where I can be angry and sad like no one is watching except maybe...my FBI agent. As I open this secret lair, you can find all the words I wanted to say to that annoying girl in 8th grade. You will find all the memories of my father locked away in a place I unlock only three times a year. You will also find a note titled, "You are fat," the words that stuck with me after someone blurted it out randomly. This was the catalyst for my eating disorder. It was 2020, and the world was shutting down, but I felt my true self shutting down even faster. I was never medically diagnosed because as my immigrant parents would say, "mental health doesn't exist." Every day I woke up just to continue my search on how to never be called those words again, and the reason was very simple; I hated that I wasn't seen as perfect by others. Drinking a gallon of water per day, intermittent fasting, monthly workout challenges, I tried them all, but I was still not enough. The 16-year-old who loved her late-night ice cream treats while watching a movie could no longer eat a crumb past 7 pm. Happiness didn't exist anymore, and I feared that it never would. That was until I came across a clickbait Youtube video by a girl named Lily Song. I initially clicked on the video because it advertised how to get a slim waist in 20 days, but what I didn't know was that this was the beginning of my recovery journey. After this day, I continued to watch her videos and felt so heard. Lily also suffered from an eating disorder, far more serious than mine, and seeing her being able to eat what she likes and love her body was a turning point for me. Slowly but surely, I was starting to find myself again, building myself into the person I am today. After experiencing an eating disorder, I wasn't able to return to the person I once was because she was too fragile. I knew I had to be stronger, more confident, and fully secure in my personality whether someone liked it or not. My ultimate goal in life now is to grow in self-love every day to make up for all those days I spent hating myself. In everything I do, I plan to put myself first, and I am determined to be successful even though there might be people praying for my downfall. Through my eating disorder episode, I realized that I held on to what people thought of me too much, and as much as criticisms can be helpful, they can be just as damaging. When it comes to relationships, I longer seek to please people. I have learned that the journey to pleasing people is far more difficult than the road you take to pour into yourself. I used to be so self-conscious of the gap between my front teeth, but now I can't seem to find a picture where I'm not showing my pearly whites. As much as dealing with mental health issues can be destructive, the path to healing is one of the greatest rewards.

At about 2 years old, my mom quit her corporate job and built a small business selling drinks just outside my childhood home. Staying at my mom’s small business by myself for hours as she ran errands around the neighborhood, I’ve been acquainted with the business world for quite some time. The memories of counting naira bills at the end of the day, stacking beverage boxes, and the accidentally broken glasses that would get stuck in my foot. My mom didn’t have the most luxurious business, but I watched as her business grew in the years that I remained in Nigeria. Her journey is my inspiration. I believe that business is a platform that allows a lot of freedom with future ambitions and leverage to strive for higher heights. After participating in the Social Media Strategies event in the 2022 Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) Competition and taking it to Nationals as a first-time member, I found the business world more interesting. Considering my analytical nature, the information sector of business seemed like the more compatible fit for me. Management Information Systems (MIS) combines computer science and business, and I believe that allows me to apply my analytical skills in the business world. I also feel somewhat prepared for this major after taking a business management information course during my junior year, where I completed Microsoft application practice and test simulations. I enjoyed applying my knowledge to solve the problems I encountered in simulated tests on the different Microsoft applications. Ultimately, I would like to someday create an online sustainable fashion business with the experience gathered during my career.

If you check my search history, you will find: “Emergency therapist session.” Because at midnight on a Sunday, I discovered my identity: undocumented. That’s the label they placed on my back, the identity hidden from me for years underneath blankets of hope and normalcy. They say curiosity killed the cat, but I think they spelled my name wrong because curiosity destroyed Ope. It took nothing more than a quick Google search to uncover all the lies that had previously covered me in a canopy of temporary happiness. When applying for a job, I was asked a fundamental question, “Do you have authorization to work in the United States?” My mind spiraled, “What does that even mean?” Quickly, I turned to my only resource, Google, and found answers to questions I had never even asked. I can’t get a job, can’t get a license, can’t get financial aid; each can’t plunge me closer to the brink of can’t live anymore. Understanding the reasons for being actively blindsided by my family about my situation has been the most difficult aspect of my journey. The little 9-year-old girl at the Lagos airport was clueless and unaware of the life she was embarking on for the next decade. The inability to function like every other 17-year-old around me progressively drowned me in a pool of sorrow, knowing I lacked the ability to even swim. I remembered one of my teachers would say, “Cry for forty seconds and move on,” but I bawled my eyes out for forty minutes rather than seconds. Stripped of every sense of self-worth and individuality, I had no other choice. The only option I had left was death, so I killed her. I killed the girl who was bawling in the dark at midnight. I killed the intimidated girl mourning all the opportunities she would never have in a place that’s supposed to be home. I killed her and built me. The woman currently typing each letter on this page, the one who is no longer afraid of the future, the one who will beat all odds, is the new me. With this, I made the conscious decision to strive for the future I’m not inclined to have. I have career goals, lifestyle ideals, and financial goals, things that were deemed unattainable to that girl. My journey has not been smooth sailing, considering that there aren’t a lot of support groups for undocumented students like me. To many people, being labeled as undocumented automatically means you hide, hoping no one will find you. Even the minimal resources coming from openly undocumented people can discourage people in the community that are ineligible for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). I dream that someday I will provide others in the undocumented community the guidance I didn’t receive, as someone who is also ineligible for DACA. I want to help them regain their voice, just like I have through this essay. I hope to reduce the number of young girls who turn their backs to cry when no one is watching as they search for that emergency therapy. They say, “Fight for what you believe in.” So, I decided to fight for my future.