To understand the universe is to understand the galaxies that drive us to our own personal black holes. To understand the speed at which we are catapulting through the solar system is to stop and feel it turning. To further research the ever evolving universe is to further research our ever evolving selves. Mental health services are crucial to the human’s ability to live, heal, and use our own experience to support fellow galaxy minds. Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 exemplifies my own personal evolution. The insignificance of this event to the changing of the seasons simply could not be discussed without my own level of research. Without the proper care of mental astrophysicists and my circling the drain of my own black hole, I would not have research to do. I would have nothing to understand. I would have no curiosity. Without proper mental health services, the beauty and complexities of this universe would be lost on the Earth dwellers that see an exploding star every time the sun shows through their window in the morning. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I allow myself to erode each time I have that realization: “Are we all like this? Are we all this broken?” I imagine myself crawling out of the sea millions of years ago. I evolve into an APEX predator. I am a pharmacy employee dispensing the same medications I’ve used for years. Where will I explode in the night sky? Where will my patients? Where will my friends? Where will my parents? What was my Big Bang? Was it at the sea, was it build with the foundation of Mt. Everest? I truly believe healing the prey disguised as predators is how this universe can even begin to be accurately received, let alone researched. I say this with the delicacy of the softest genetically modified rose: there will be no universe to comprehend if the population doesn’t live long enough to research. Suicide takes too many lives. How much deadlier was that fateful meteor? As a psychology major, I plan to orbit the research community while keeping their mental health on the ground. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I was in my black hole. At 26, almost significantly studied my universe underground. The fading of my scars directly gave the solar system more shine. This stargazing could only happen with my own team of astronomers: my mental health team. They’re my own personal NASA. My mental health challenges didn’t stop existing as I’ve healed. I grew up seeing the oldest oceans with the strongest tides. The care currently given to millions of predators will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Imaging myself in the fetal position on my living room floor drives me to find constellations in the same shape. I could only get to this point by seeing my loved ones understand their trauma while healing my own. My best friend evolving from her mass extinction with the help of her therapy/EDMR treatment for C-PTSD wins the medal of freedom of my mind. Me standing up from the fetal position after five months sober makes me remember my childhood for the first time is a Nobel Peace Prize. The paintings I bought from our patient’s art therapy program hang on my wall like the the first picture on the moon. We all have the universes of trauma, pain, grief, life, love, misery, acceptance, drive, empathy, agony inside of us. Mental health services are aimed to understand all of divine mechanics of these universes. Without these systems in place I must ask one question: when the last star in a human fades will the stars above shine just as bright?

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

I ponder what recovery means to me while I’m flooded with the realization that it is simply the ability to ponder. The continuation of my life sober solidifies the continuation of my life on this planet. A year after my suicide attempt I found myself drinking to the same extent I was when I was moments away from death in 2021. July 15th 2022 was my last time I will ever be drunk in my lifetime. The thought itself brings an unexplainable level of gratitude to my heart seeing as less than six months ago I didn’t think I would make it to my niece’s first birthday. Today I’m writing an essay about the importance of sobriety in my life. Without alcohol I am able to ponder, create, write, learn, dream, aspire, hope, love, express gratitude, and practice mindfulness. Recovery to me means life in its truest form.

Stumbling across the tightrope. Crucified balancing act. I can hear you sigh. Throw your hands up in defeat. From there you predict my fall. You know which side I’ll hover before collapse. And the sky has never looked the same. They will not celebrate either of us. They will not study my tiptoed frenzy to the other side. They will not study your reaction. Why do the skies turn to gray on the days that I forget you? Why does my smile fade when the summer noises fill my empty room? Please serve me fresh bread from your Father’s sword. Your silver spoon was harder to recognize in my back. And your delicate hands will shake so violently your arms will break. Reality sets in. The last time I saw you was when you unclenched your jaw. Does the winter freeze it shut? Does the summer melt your inhibitions? I remember he said don’t cross when the thunder cracks. I’ve always held deep primal fear of the lightning, but never more than my fear of your fire. Crucified balancing act. If the clouds part and it rains with the sun shining, and I’m not yet to the other side, please catch me gently. I will massage your jaw and you my feet.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia recovering from sexual abuse is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

My financial maturity and responsibility undeniably started with my decision to not proceed immediately into higher education with the majority of my peers. This wasn’t an impossible financial goal seeing as the majority of my classmates with similar financial situations were able to take out loans, buy new technology, and fill out the FAFSA directly after family dinner without a blink of an eye. I have been solely responsible for my finances for a young age. First it started as a teenager and I would be responsible for purchasing my personal items while still in school. I directed the majority of my attention to my retail job instead of planning my college career. It took years of introspection, hard work, and patience to realize that I didn’t make a terrible decision. I wasn’t going to be left in the dust. I wasn’t writing my own future with the title “Poor Forever” written in the fog in the mirror. I was making an incredible financial decision that will not only teach me budgeting at a crucial age, but prepare me for when I am genuinely ready to pursue my dream education. So my friends packed their bags and went to school. Some lived on campus, their own apartment, a friends couch, their parents home, anything they can do to follow The Path. While my path was deemed inadequate by my own self doubt, my financial intelligence was growing in front of my very eyes. Those friends were staying up all night studying spending their last dollar on fast food. They continued this after graduation; in fact the majority of my coworkers and friends all have an unused degree of some kind. Did I truly make the wrong decision? I look at my lack of student loan debt, not being stuck in a career I knew nothing about, not being stuck with a financial burden of my 18 year old perception of my goals, and still making a difference and a decent paycheck. This time of introspection lead me to budget using various tools, advice and stories from college graduates, and general life tools that help me keep track of my finances while planning for the future. To keep track of my finances I currently use an app called NerdWallet in which I have all my automatic payments listed with their due dates. It also shows the average money I receive a month vs. money out. It is extremely beneficial to have an electronic record of my bills as a single income household. Using my colleagues as a sounding board for general college fees and all around experience has proven to give me the confidence to not only budget, but that it’s possible to be smart and successful with your education financing. Finally my general financial defense tools include a balance of necessity, discipline, and self care to make my paychecks last and be fulfilling all the while. I have entertainment budgeted at $30/month for any streaming service and another 100 every two weeks for fun activities/events/clothing/self care I feel I need. I have found this budgeting practice to not only help financially but mentally and emotionally as well. I plan to continue applying to scholarships to help lessen the financial burden of my education while considering it a part of my self care and budgeting practices.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

Fear, isolation, doubt, misery, discipline, pain, despair, shame, guilt, rage, and love where it fits. These traits were life’s common, safe, and immediate line of defense. Life was to be constantly feared and our souls ready to defend with any and all weapons of mass destruction. My weapon of mass destruction included a Molotov cocktail of these emotional responses along with substance abuse. My alcoholism acted as blinders to the battle inside of my very own mind. In June of 2021, days before my 25th birthday, my armor cracked. The blinders malfunctioned to reveal the casualties I had drank away over my adult life. This battle was violent and and quiet. The battle was full of fear, isolation, doubt, misery, discipline, pain, despair, shame, guilt, and rage. Im 26 now, I will be starting college at nearly 27 for the first time in my life. I am sober. I am regularly being seen by my mental health team. I am the Date Compliance Lead at a long term care pharmacy. We service patients that have a lot of similar struggles as myself, varying in severity. My own personal experience, the experience of our patients, and the experience of generations before me that propel me to advocate for awareness and accessibility to treatment. Every day I wake to pursue my dream of fully believing those defense mechanisms were likely taught through generations of an untreated mental illness and trauma. The generations in my family silently drawing up battle plans in front of my very eyes deeply saddens me while also giving me a sense of camaraderie. I have an innate passion for giving them new methods of coping with the ultimate goal to be a white flag signaling peace between the positives, negatives, and the in-between’s of our silent suffering. As I woke up that morning in June in a hospital bed, I knew I called the police on myself. After speaking to my father I cried in the twin sized bed with scratchy sheets. My new roommate was sitting in the shower without the water running. I couldn’t help but think, in that moment: “We all are so small and strong.” A year and a half removed and I am realizing that calling myself an ambulance was my greatest defense. I showed courage, pride, ambition, self care, patience, kindness, empathy, fear, isolation, doubt, misery, discipline, pain, despair, shame, guilt, and rage. I waved the white flag. Love finally fit.

Surviving a serious suicide attempt at 24 to then be enrolled in a psychology program at 26 solidifies the importance of mental health services. Without the proper treatment I would not be alive to be writing this scholarship essay. Working for a long term care pharmacy for almost 4 years servicing majority developmentally disabled clientele while also struggling with my own mental health issues truly exemplifies how mental illness can impact all walks of life. I use this career field to fuel my own personal journey as I believe advocacy from understanding parties substantially improves customer relations: to live, to learn, to thrive, to serve, to empathize. My mental health from 18-25 no doubt had an impact on the path I paved for myself. When I was a graduating high school senior I couldn’t possibly ever dream I would be alive to see 26, let alone write scholarship essays. It was too unachievable to even be considered a goal. As my scars from that fateful night faded, along faded my self imposed criticism and doubt. These acted as a glowing warning sign: “Do not attempt! Danger ahead! You cannot do it, do not try, it will be painful.” These warning signs could only be destroyed once I found the courage to seek help from sign-destroying-professionals. I tore each of these self-made roadblocks down with the helping hands of therapy and the appropriate medication for my needs. I not only advocate for this treatment for our patients, but for everyone who may be struggling. There is no shortage of shame, disappointment, isolation, and embarrassment when deciding to not enroll in higher education as a graduating senior. This came from the eyes of guidance counselors, excited peers, family, and passing conversations with strangers. I carried all of these emotions with me to the hospital that saved my life. Through the uses of mental health services, these emotions dwindled. Courage, pride, ambition, goals, and a view of my life past 30 all took their place. It is the addition of these traits by self improvement that got me to the place I’m ready to start the rest of my life. Mental health challenges don’t simply go away as you start to heal. The care currently given to millions will not be stopping at any point soon; it will simply increase along side awareness and accessibility. Advocating for awareness and accessibility is something I have done outside of higher education and will continue in the workforce and in my personal life. Advocating for traumatized 4 year old Olivia is advocating for 18 year old Olivia who was too depressed to go to class, let alone proceed to secondary education. It’s advocating for 24 year old Olivia who was moments from death. It’s advocating for 26 year old Olivia who still cries after a bad day. It’s advocating for all of the friends I don’t know are struggling. It’s advocating for those who are loud about their suffering. It’s advocating for the patients I already service. It’s advocating for continued care for those patients. It’s advocating for all burdened with the decision between life or death every single day. I want to help others tear down their glowing warning signs. I want to tear down roadblocks. I want to do what saved my life.

One would thing a song titled “Pride” would exemplify how pride is either a positive or negative trait, and crossing a line either way could be absolutely devastating. I would beg to differ this song blurs those lines to a point where the only definitive answer we’re left with is the power of music. “After all, it’s you, my pride, and me.” Manchester Orchestra writes. Which is the villain? “After all, it’s me and the king and the beast.” Is pride the king? Is pride the beast? Or is pride mankind’s foolishness to think we can draw these lines in the sand? When does too much pride make you a leader or a frightening beast? This song is incredibly profound to me in that determining morality is not as simple as apples and oranges. Pride and humility. Kings and beasts. The power of the music behind the lyrics holds this meaning true. The intensity of the drums and guitars are heavy, growing, and insistent. The instrumental of the song almost forced the listener to pay close attention to the lyrics. The drums show a level of control; they show an unchanging level of intention. The guitars are almost chaotic, challenging the drums to be more erratic. The lyrics blurring the lines of too much pride vs too little, the ignorance the audience is given on if it’s a positive or negative trait by the writer, and the instruments contradicting each other the whole way makes this a song of strength, fear, power, and loss of control. This exemplifies me as a woman and also a King and also a Beast.