My whole life, I've wondered why I am the way I am. I struggle to understand and connect with everyone who has encountered my life. The issue is I know who I am, just not why I am this way. I like to see myself as a growing woman who shares compassion, intelligence, curiosity, integrity, and self-awareness with this world. Being self-aware also means I'm fully aware of how truly messed up I am. I can be a hypocrite, ignorant, selfish, angry, stubborn, procrastinator, perfectionist, and impatient. The list goes on. I'm most certainly not perfect. Nor do I consider myself anywhere near perfection. Yet every day, I strive to better myself so that one day, I can make everyone who's encountered my life proud. I've hurt a lot of people in my life. For the most part, it's been unintentional. Other times, like my extensive, almost humorous amount of suicide attempts, I've been fully aware of how my leaving this world would significantly affect those unfortunate enough to love me. At times, my suicide attempts have been out of spite. The rest have stemmed from an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. That feeling that every single person feels at some point in their life, whether in the shower while sleeping, or even at birth, is why I struggle so much in life. The funny thing is that I have loved before, and I have felt love from another human being, yet I can't help but feel lonely. One of my most recent suicide attempts led me to my first stay at a psychiatric center. Ironically enough, this attempt to end my life is what sparked my interest in a better future. I've realized that every person struggles just like I do, ultimately giving me an overwhelming desire to help in any way I can. It may be my "superhero complex," but I genuinely believe my compassion creates this desire to help others. I'm self-aware enough to understand that creativity is not my prime aspect; thus, I search for a way to help those I can. I have a love for chemistry and psychology. I intend to take that love and convert it into something useful by becoming a psychiatric pharmacist. I have never doubted that my life would eventually lead to a career in the healthcare profession. I've always intended to make my immigrant parents proud and to make due of all their sacrifices by becoming a doctor. I wish to help people, and luckily, I've found and now pursue a career that will ultimately lead me to accomplish all my goals. I'm now a second-year pharmacy student, and my experiences have undoubtedly reinforced my passion for this career. My excitement for learning small things, such as memorizing the top 20 over-the-counter medications and learning how to give vaccines, has taught me that this will bring me joy and help those struggling. Another reason why I struggle so much is my diagnosis of depression. I understand and empathize with people who share this illness, and I wish to help just like many others have helped me. In 6-8 years, I will be Dr.Solis-Mendoza. The thought of "Dr." in front of my mother, father, ancestors, and my last name has ignited a flame in me that has never been there before. That flame is what will propel me through pharmacy school and allow me to help as many people as possible.

On September 22, 2020, I attempted to end my life. It was COVID year, I had no friends, I learned remotely so I had little human interaction. I was severely depressed, so depressed that any little thing would set me off, I was a bomb waiting to explode. That Tuesday I was home with my little brother and my depression was at its peak. I’ve always been an unhappy person but during that time I was beyond depressed. I had been secluded from people for so long that I no longer felt any real emotion. I didn't have the energy to wake up every day and eat, I didn’t even have enough energy to leave my bed or use the restroom. So when my manic mother angrly entered my house, she unleashed a chain of events that would change my life forever. As much as I hate it, my mother and I are extremely similar. Both of us are insane, we struggle in managing our emotions, we tend to unleash our emotions on people who don’t deserve it, and when we get depressed it's really hard for us to pick ourselves back up. That day was one of those days my mother chose to unleash her emotions on me. She began yelling that lead me to have a panic attack in the middle of the argument and all my mother did was mock me. “You're crazy, I don’t know how anyone could love you.” When my mom finally left my room I panicked. My heart was racing, my head spinning. I began to hold my cat because I felt like he was the only one who loved me. I sat by my door and I began to chug pill after pill. After a while I began to feel my heart slow down, my body was weak, I was dying. I remember my sister finding me and dragging me into my bathroom forcing me to throw up. All I could think was, “how did you get caught.” I was eventually taken to a psychiatric center where I spent one week bettering myself. There I learned how to cope with my emotions and to never allow myself to fall that low again, I grew. During my time their my pharmacist helped me take my antidepressants every day. She held my hand and kept me safe. I’ve never been the smartest person in any room, I’ve never believed I would ever become anything great but now that I’ve grown, I have goals. I want a future and I want to live, I want to make myself proud. I want to be a psychiatric pharmacist and hold someone's hand telling them everything will be okay. Since that day I’ve started researching, and taking the classes I need to become a pharmacist. My motivation has increased greatly, I have so much passion, and I really want to help others the way I was helped. My AP chemistry teacher, Lonnie Dusch has been a great motivator and has inspired me. Thanks to him I have a love for chemistry. I’ve always taken “difficult” classes and although they can be really tough at times I enjoy learning. The dream of becoming a pharmacist has helped me from falling again. The more I research about different programs and areas of pharmacy the more I become intrigued by what pharmacy has to offer me. I know in my heart that I will eventually become a pharmacist. I know a long journey awaits me but I'm dedicated, and I won't give up. I have too much to fight for.