In 2016, I hung myself from a tree. Life was suffering and I was tired of it. I knew my depression stemmed from a chemical imbalance in my brain, but it didn't matter. I was soon hospitalized, but didn't yet have reasons to actually continue living. Then, while in the hospital, I received a letter from my aunt, who said "If you can't find something worth living for, find something worth dying for." (I letter read a similar line from Nietzsche: "To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.") So what could I do? What mattered in the world enough for me to sacrifice myself for it? My search continued for over four years, with varying levels of coping mechanisms over time. I went to therapy; talked with everyone I could, priests, family, friends, doctors; and I read. I read and read and read. I worked my way to existential philosophy, finally resting on Camus' "The Rebel." Camus' answer is not an easy one, for he agrees that the universe is meaningless. But then he says "so what?" Correct, the universe does not have some greater purpose, but why does that matter? You must defy this meaningless, rebel against it, and create meaning. Logically, Camus lays out rational proof that life has value, if not meaning. And this is purpose. Life has value, so we just value it as our purpose. This seemingly simple argument shook me to my core. I must do anything in my power to maximize the valuing of life. The next phase of this journey grew from a simple Clausewitz quote: "Thus the inquiring mind cannot rest until it reaches the extreme." What was the most extreme way that life was devalued? War. The horror of war is unmatched in the world. The liquidation of homes, communities, and so many lives still occurs on a massive scale throughout the world. I cannot serve in the military, nor do I think I am mean for it anyways. But my life will be shaped by war. I intend on pursuing a career to mitigate conflict in any way possible. My natural talents and proclivities lend to this objective, for I feel I am more able than most to endure hardship by this point, and I know the costs of war degrade the human soul. My meaning is to alleviate the devaluing of life in conflict. I do not know the full path before me, whether on the ground of the conflict, in policy, or in some national or international organization. But my life is now grounded in meaning, and I cannot ask for more.

In 2016, I hung myself from a tree. Life was suffering and I was tired of it. I knew my depression stemmed from a chemical imbalance in my brain, but it didn't matter. I was soon hospitalized, but didn't yet have reasons to actually continue living. Then, while in the hospital, I received a letter from my aunt, who said "If you can't find something worth living for, find something worth dying for." (I letter read a similar line from Nietzsche: "To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.") So what could I do? What mattered in the world enough for me to sacrifice myself for it? My search continued for over four years, with varying levels of coping mechanisms over time. I went to therapy; talked with everyone I could, priests, family, friends, doctors; and I read. I read and read and read. I worked my way to existential philosophy, finally resting on Camus' "The Rebel." Camus' answer is not an easy one, for he agrees that the universe is meaningless. But then he says "so what?" Correct, the universe does not have some greater purpose, but why does that matter? You must defy this meaningless, rebel against it, and create meaning. Logically, Camus lays out rational proof that life has value, if not meaning. And this is purpose. Life has value, so we just value it as our purpose. This seemingly simple argument shook me to my core. I must do anything in my power to maximize the valuing of life. The next phase of this journey grew from a simple Clausewitz quote: "Thus the inquiring mind cannot rest until it reaches the extreme." What was the most extreme way that life was devalued? War. The horror of war is unmatched in the world. The liquidation of homes, communities, and so many lives still occurs on a massive scale throughout the world. I cannot serve in the military, nor do I think I am mean for it anyways. But my life will be shaped by war. I intend on pursuing a career to mitigate conflict in any way possible. My natural talents and proclivities lend to this objective, for I feel I am more able than most to endure hardship by this point, and I know the costs of war degrade the human soul. My meaning is to alleviate the devaluing of life in conflict. I do not know the full path before me, whether on the ground of the conflict, in policy, or in some national or international organization. But my life is now grounded in meaning, and I cannot ask for more.