For most of my life, I’ve seen mental health as a taboo word. A phrase that couldn’t be and shouldn’t be said much. Not because my family thought that it was bad (for the most part, they didn’t), but because of how society viewed a state of worsened mental health. And being depressed for some time, I felt like an outsider to society. Everyone else around me, especially when I was in middle school, always seemed happy. Today, I now understanding the great importance of asking this question genuinely: “How are you doing?”
Like I had stated before, my mental health took a sharp turn in middle school, when everything that I thought that I wanted to be, formed by what I thought it meant to be a man or a cool person fell out of perspective. Little me who looked up to everything that my brother did, and everything that my friends were doing (good or bad), wanted to fit in really bad when I was 13-14 years old. My desire to conform, however, didn’t work out, nor did attempting to do so fulfill me. Principally, I was jealous of the bodies which other people had, I felt trapped inside my own, and even loosing a bunch of weight to “look a certain way” did not help these symptoms of a much deeper problem in my heart.
This lead me into a spiral of depression, fear, worry, anxiety, self-hate, and suicidal thoughts, which crumbled my image of myself, and hurt my relationships with my family and friends. Due to societal pressure and embarrassment of my situation, I would bottle up these feelings, get angry with myself, and angry with God. This created a sense of hopelessness and a repeating cycle of jealousy and self hate within me that I never thought I would be able to escape from. This continued on, and I would try to open up sometimes, but I would either fail, or I would feel misunderstood because I thought I was alone. And when my parents, my brother, or my aunt would try and spark conversation about it and talk to me about it, I would usually shut them down, believing that they did not understand me. Even during a fun event, I would often bring the room’s atmosphere down because of the look on my face. My mom struggled, was saddened, and prayed a lot for me through this time in my life.
I never thought I would escape the depression that I was in, until God worked on my heart, helped me to understand that I was made in His image, and that I was made by Him for his glory. Not only did getting an understanding of these facts help me to come out of the sadness which I was in, but I changed as a person. It allowed my relationships that I had with my family to heal, I was able to show actual love and kindness towards others, I was much more outgoing than I was before, more confident in who I was created to be, and more understanding of the fact that I may no be or look the same as everyone else, but I am still someone valuable, someone who is loved and cared for, and someone who has much to give to this world.
My mental health experience has shaped my understanding of society dramatically. I now understand other people on a greater level than I did before. It is apparent that everyone wants to fit in, whether it’s at school, in the workplace, or sports: everyone is trying to be noticed and accepted. And I must disclaim that this is not a bad thing at all, because we are inherently relational creatures. However, when we start to put our identity in fitting in or being like others so they might accept us, we may become reliant on them for our well being or happiness, or we may also do things which we know can be harmful to ourselves and others in order to conform. This may cause our mental health to deteriorate if not checked, and I was only able to realize this trap by experiencing it firsthand. Now, knowing that I have a real purpose to make a difference in this life, I want to pursue a career in the field of forensics, which is what I feel called to live out my life to do to help others seek justice, and maybe even bring clarity in a time where the mental health of others can be in a terrible place.
Finally, in light of my experience with my mental health, my main goal in life is now to tell others to seek Jesus, the once who calls himself the Prince of Peace in the Bible, which was the only way I found hope and fortitude in my mind. But not only does He give that, when we believe in His greatest sacrifice on the cross when He died for the sins of the world 2000 years ago, we have the opportunity to be confident in our eternal standing in the Kingdom of Heaven, which was an assurance so freeing to 14 year old me, who didn't know the reason he woke up everyday. So along with therapy, talking to others, getting needed help from understanding people in your life, and sincerely asking a friend of two “How have you been?” I believe that building a relationship with Jesus Christ is the greatest remedy to this battle in the mind we all face.