As a first-generation student, school is not only a priority for your success but a prerequisite to creating a better life.
To successfully ride the wave of familial pressure and criticism, I had to exercise an optimistic mentality and see the struggles as challenges.
My mom could afford gas money to get me to school and a homemade lunch Monday through Friday. Outside expenses were additional perks, hence not essential. The non-essential things (study prep books, premium subscriptions, unnecessary trips) had to come out of donation or my money.
When my experiences became overbearing, my mom would reiterate the encouragement she used to continue. As a single guardian raising three kids, working two jobs, and taking classes at our local city college, so she understood my discomfort. She explained that my experiences would build my character and provide me with invaluable skills which would one day help me in the "real world." My family hoped that if they pushed me, I would persist past my limitations and find power and financial wealth in my purpose.
There was a consistent push for perfection and no exception for excuses with shortcomings. They understood the discipline that academic and athletic success would cost. What they could not do was tell me how to overcome the difficulties along those paths. Knowing the gravity of my excellence, I learned to treat what I had with care, pushing through my challenges by viewing them as opportunities.
A byproduct of the pressure was a dazzling index of accolades. In the fine print of those accolades also was a misconstrued understanding of my worth. I want to be a university graduate; my family knew the sheer grit it would take to get me there. To help me be resilient, wanting to make sure I did not give up, they pushed me to execute in high school without crumbling. Less and less, I took time to celebrate and appreciate my progress with my mom. Over time I became accustomed to thinking my student of the month, athlete of the year, and awards of extreme excellence were ordinary for me and predictable. With a haze of emotionless efforts growing over me, there was a need for purpose.
Because I had trouble describing any complex emotions, I labeled them in basic terms and would try to solve my problem. Pushing harder in school and sports was how I knew to cope with the discomfort and agony I felt. Sleep became my escape after a full day of studying then training with my track team.
Despite trying to strategize ways to move past my emotions with journaling and art, I still felt a heaviness. I tried to limit the amount that I would focus on my "negative" emotions. However, when ignoring the negativity did not counteract the weight, I began to view it as a lingering struggle that would not cease.Viewing my pain as weakness, I learned to suppress my emotions and " be okay" to fulfill my responsibilities. As the success of my efforts began to show, I began to reach back and try to communicate my pain.
Many of my family members started college but did not finish. They perceived themselves as examples of what struggles I would face without succeeding in college. Their confidence in my abilities intensified their hope for me to bypass the issues they had to endure.
In comparison to the weight of their experiences, I felt that my pain had little merit. I became disheartened trying to convey and verify my emotions. However, upon communicating my trials, my family listened to my hurt. We readjusted and collaborated to create a pathway that was both endurable and rewarding. In learning to seek, accept, and apply the love and advice they had to give, I reestablished my purpose.
The enjoyment of the process to success is invaluable. I learned how to return to the value of a task to generate a reason to finish with integrity. Not every reward is the satisfaction of temporary emotions. As I pursue my degree in environmental sciences, I will strive to interact with challenges with an open mind. Remembering I am not alone and have valuable, I will reach out to those around me and use the power within me to persist.