I see my future self living the life meant for me before medical issues dominated my life, bridging the gap between the North and South Americas in defiance of the corruption that exists now.

I was a very active high school student, constantly playing soccer, ultimate frisbee, running in track and practicing martial arts. If I wasn't doing one of those, I was likely spending an hour doing calisthenics while watching a TV show, then going out to ride my bike. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with what is usually seen as a soft chronic illness; one where most who are diagnosed make small accommodations and are little otherwise affected. When I was 17, my parents divorced and both left the house. I found myself, while already enrolled in 17 credit hours at college, also finding a full-time minimum-wage job. The government still considered my father's income "contributory" so I received very little financial aid. The net result after medical expenses and making payment arrangements for classes, was around 4 hours of sleep and enough food to eat one meal a day. This lack of self-care is the only explanation I can think of for why my medical issues, which were considered a "mild to moderate" diagnosis, began to drastically control my life for over a decade. When I was 18, I found myself unable to walk from campus parking to class without sweating in pain and taking breaks. I looked for companionship in the wrong places and encountered a very unhealthy person who was in my life for 10 years. By 19, I dropped out of school and changed careers because I couldn't keep going on one meal a day. However, the new job was active. I hurt so badly that I would put off going to the restroom until I needed to drag myself there. Over the years, gone was the fit active teen with the whole world at his fingertips. What you saw when you walked in my front door was an overweight man who avoided getting up off the couch and played video games all hours of the day. I went back to the doctors many times, searching for answers to why there was so much pain. Multiple times doctors hinted that I was misleading people because I was far too young for the pain I claimed to be having, and never offered to run tests or try to find a cause. Other doctors did their best, and the costs of the testing accumulated, but no answers were found. I lost myself to pain, depression, and anxiety. I married an unhealthy partner who I never should have dated to begin with. By 23 years old, I had two heart attacks and found myself praying that the next one would take me. I enrolled in online college courses twice during that time, failing at both. I felt trapped beyond my understanding by both my medical issues, and the choices I made during the life pain led me down. When I was 28, still overweight, and rocking on the floor in my apartment hallway in anxiety; I realized this is not okay. There must be a better way to live. I found help. With the help of two therapists, I realized that while my pain and my poor choices were the origins, my partner was an unhealthy influence. I split from them, continued therapy, and by the time I was 29, had lost 72 lbs. By the time I was 30, a healthy diet, both mentally and physically, paired with good rest found my body responding. I still have daily medical issues, but I am a 4.0 student this time, and conquering my medical limitations. I am living the life I was meant to live the first time.

My choice is immediate, "The Holy Man" by Susan Trott. I ended up buying the audiobook so I could listen to it over and over again during years of commercial driving. This book challenges our modern perceptions in one simple way, it directly addresses the way we search for happiness in today's world with solutions that can be far more simple than one would expect. I regularly found myself relating to the people who traveled up the mountain to visit The Holy Man, or even saw my friends and family with the characters. Then, as the holy man guided them towards a place where they could encounter their failures in their own way, I found myself finding my own. As humans, we tend to already know the things we need to do, but we subconsciously look the other way. We tend to pursue our own way of doing things, even when it bites us for decades. Susan Trott has a way of removing our self-imposed blinders, so we can see who we truly are, and why. I would have everyone read this book because it doesn't "lead the horse to water" while waiting for each "horse" decide to drink. This book makes you realize your thirst, so you start searching for water on your own. There is no self-help within, no addressing specific problems and no hand-holding. This book, I believe, would inspire any person to look deeply within themselves and apply a higher level of analysis to their actions and thoughts. This book made me realize that my anxieties from past traumas, which I thought I had cured, still affected so many of my actions. It drove me to break bad habits and stop unhealthy cycles of thought. The Holy Man led me to a place where my faults were laid bare before me, and said, chose.

I have fought and am fighting to run ahead. I remember, as a teenager, when my parents split and I was alone, eating one meal a day. The first several months I was in a dangerous cycle emotionally, and I came to a point where I decided I would be the person I wanted to be, no matter what happened. From there, I fought and changed my circumstances. I overcame abuse, malnutrition, and resulting medical issues. I changed my economy and opportunities, many times working 90+ hour weeks and going on little to no sleep. What is unique about me is my motivation and my energy, my heart, and my knowledge that I can make a difference. I learned over the years that people can't choose their circumstances, but they can choose how they respond to them. People can choose to take every tiny opportunity to grow and who they become in the process. During the last two and a half years, I left the central Indiana community where I had spent my whole life and lived for a time in Bolivia and Argentina. During this time I saw people working just as hard as I had, but who are beat down by their corrupt government. Some of them, despite giving everything they have for their families, are unable to eat, much less change their circumstances. Then I returned to college and began to study cultural anthropology while living in the cultures I was studying. The next semester I studied internal politics, and my understanding of the reasons for the quality of life I saw around me continued to grow. At this moment, my educational goals changed from a two-year degree in logistics, which would only further my locally established career, to a four-year international business degree where I could fight to make a difference. I want to do anything I can to be a healthy piece of the puzzle, to give others the ability to fight for themselves the way I fought. Everyone deserves the right to change their lives for the better with the labor of their own hands and minds. I studied and saw gas between the north and south in action and the corruption which makes it impossible for people to advance. At this moment, I admit I do not yet know exactly how I will make a difference, but I do know I will. I will study until I know enough to place myself in a position where I am responsible for an aspect of the north-south interaction, and I will find a way to fight for opportunities for those who so desperately need them and are ready to make use of them. The men and women working the skin from their hands and giving everything for their families deserve a chance to give a better life to both themselves and their loved ones.

There are far too many ways in which I have grown the past year. The most important, my own understanding of self, has been compounded by many of the others. A year ago I was barely able to accept my own success in basic classes, yet I was accepting an invitation to the honors program of my community college. I was in a dead end job that paid well, but at the expense of my health and wellness. My work was in the same field as my father, the same trade he will have worked his entire life. A year ago, I thought I was born and would die doing the same work as my father. I thought I was a failure compared to what I could have been if I had just done better in high school or not failed out of college. I couldn't see myself for who I was, despite the fact that every person has the right to fail in the face of the challenges I was presented. Now, I see myself. I see a 4.0 Honors student who has been invited to present at multiple events both big and small. I see a student who excelled in school while working a full-time job, plus a second job at over full-time. I see a student who accomplished all this while separated from his fiancé by 5,500 miles, and fighting daily to be with her again. I see someone who can do anything they make a priority. I have changed from a lifelong abuse victim who could only see his darkest self into a motivated and self-actualizing adult who chases what he loves and lets nothing stand in the way of his growth. I have changed from a stagnant worker of 15 years to working in a new part of my industry that challenges me to learn every single day. The day I received an invitation to honors program, I saw a new me. The day I was invited to present at the MEHA 2022 conference, I knew I was setting my own bar too low. The day I began receiving invitations to prestigious school's transfer programs for my bachelor's degree, I realized I wasn't the only person who saw what I can become. When I look in the mirror, I do not recognize the person I see there, and it is the most beautiful of feelings.

The most exciting part of college for me is everything it defines for the future. I see learning as intrinsically valuable, and I enjoy feeding myself new information and material. However, what I truly see as I study is the the weekends spent with the children of my future instead of me working those days. I see being at a sports practice or a drama rehearsal instead of working late, and I see healthy meals in front of me during family dinner. Right now, those aren't possibilities for me, but they will be. My mind, body, and soul were growing healthier by the day, and I was reaching heights I had never touched. That was, until I returned to school while trapped in another country without work during the early pandemic. Then, I took on a job 60 hours a week working shifts with 24/7 availability. At that point I derailed very harshly. Since then, I have had to learn to maintain my mental and physical health under much less than ideal circumstances, with far less time on my hands than I was accustomed to having. I have learned that calm music at night quiets my mind, and allows me to sleep instead of thinking until exhaustion takes me. I have discovered what types of music drive me to work more efficiently, get home sooner, and finish my studies earlier so I can sleep more. I have learned how to quickly prepare nutritious foods, as I no longer have time to cook. Part of this has included discovering how to tell my loves ones that "I need help," which has been a historical weakness of mine. In addition to those, I have made countless discoveries about my spiritual needs that I was not aware of until time demands made me cut so many habits out of my routine. But, most of all, I have learned how to say "that is good enough." I am, frequently, a perfectionist. I have and will continue to maintain a 4.0. That said, I drove myself nearly to madness trying to cook several times a week, trying to commute over an hour to church, and trying to keep the newly bought house spotless. With so many new demands for my time, my health began to crumble. That has slowly began to turn around as I learned to accept that enough is enough. I am only human, and I have to allow myself to only do dishes twice a week, and to only do laundry once a week. I have had to learn to eat meals I prepared the week before, and let the floor get dusty before sweeping it. These things must be planned so they do not go completely undone, but are maintained within a certain threshold of realistic standards. The biggest step I have made in staying healthy, is accepting myself as a student. I had to accept my new limits, and learn to utilize them to their fullest.

My health journey began around 4 years ago, and has only grown since. Four years ago I was 242lbs and gaining, having had 2 heart attacks by the time I turned 23, and suffering to even walk to the restroom. That doesn't even begin to mention that debilitating mental unhealthiness which has progressively dominated my life for a decade up to that point. My first step towards healthiness was leaving an abusive relationship where unhealthiness had been used to keep me controlled and trapped, among other things. From that point I spent nearly two years in therapy, fixing countless mental health issues. During those same two years, I adopted intermittent fasting and massive diet changes. Soft drinks were cut completely, and sugar nearly completely eliminated. I adopted a routine of physical exercise in addition to a job that kept me active all day long. By the end of those two years, I was routinely completing "One Meal A Day" fasts while ensuring all my nutritional needs were met. In those two years, I grew (or shrunk) from a 242lbs anxiety machine into a 165lb smiling machine pursuing his outdoor photography passions and returning to school. A healthy lifestyle isn't just diet and exercise, it is building a healthy environment where your home is clean, and you feel calm in your personal spaces. Health is learning when you need a few minutes to chill, and when you need upbeat music to organize the whole home office. Health is understanding yourself deeply enough to know what your mind and body both need, and letting them have it all. My journey to understanding this has brought me to places I never imagined, and it was worth every second of effort and drop of sweat.

I have always has a passion for learning, every since I was a child. With time that faded as an abusive relationship soiled all of our shared educational environments, changing school into a nightmare of gaslighting and death threats. Life became a strange mental battle of survival, and my grades and passions fell to the wayside. A few years ago, after over 10 years with that partner, I broke free. Life at that point became an act of self-discover and repairing my perspectives of reality. With that healing came a renewed desire to learn, and my mind became a sponge. I began to read anything I could get my hands on, and returned to debating politics and life with long neglected friends around the globe. This ignited a spark, and after two years I returned to school with a drive I had long forgotten. Education is a chance to right the many wrong of my past, far too many to write here. Learning is an avenue to the dreams that once fueled an excellent student and young man, but were lost. Since returning to school, my life has changed at a nearly dizzying pace. To me, education has become my life. Education is everything I want out of my future, it is everything I wish was in my past, and it is the most exciting experience I have ever had. Learning is revitalizing, and it has taken an empty shell and turned it into a man with dreams. I will find a happiness and joy I once thought impossible, I will raise healthy children with two loving parents, I will see the world. Education, is the road that takes me everywhere.

The single most important thing I remember from a childhood of watching my parent's financial failures is "always know where your money is going." In our society, it is far too easy to sign up for music or tv streaming services and slowly stop using them. Yet we continue to pay for them. In an age where debit and credit cards make it so easy to swipe now and think later, we often spend more than we can or should. Many people sign up for high-speed internet, but only need half the speed they are paying for. All around us is financial waste, like a social epidemic. Every week I check each bank and credit account while updating a spreadsheet. Weekly I see where each and every dollar went. During semester finals last week, I saw that my 5 visits to the internet cafe to focus on my papers cost me nearly 50 dollars in coffee and danishes. I could have gone to the grocery store, and used my diverse stash of coffees in my pantry, to consume similar products for a quarter of the price. However, I needed fewer distractions, and I paid in spades without thinking. If you build a budget but don't watch where your money went, your effort was for naught. If you earn most than your friends but throw it away without thinking, you will wonder how they are more financially stable than you are. You must always know where your money is going.

For my first 28 years, I was a highly risk-averse person. Even smaller risks I avoided in many cases. However, about one year ago I realized I was falling very hard for one of my international friends, and she felt the same. I realized I had avoided risks all my life, and that had kept me in unhealthy situations as well as kept me away from amazing opportunities. This time, I was not going to allow myself to live with regrets for not trying. I had recently lost my job and was having problems finding new work, so I bought plane tickets and went to live with her for a time. One month became three as I continued to have issues securing work, and then six and a half months passed before I secured work and came back to the states. On one hand, traveling over five thousand miles to live with someone in a country neither of you has ever visited, was an insane risk. This was especially true given that I had no connections within that country, and could barely ask where the bathroom or supermarket was. Even more so given that I had just bought a house four months earlier. While I was there, without work and with no employment on the horizon, she encouraged me to go back to school. With no income or way to pay for classes, I applied for university. Now, a year later, we are engaged. I have been working two full-time jobs to dent my large debts and have maintained a 4.0 in all my classes. I took incredible risks this year that I would never have imagined before, and I am so happy I let none of these opportunities go unseized. My growth speaks for the value of risk.

The biggest issue I faced was the stigma. However, stigmas are often resistant to change. A more practical approach is educating our society about wholeness in health. Teach them about nutrition, which they understand, alongside mental health and self-care. Talk about how nutritional health affects physical brain health which affects mental wellness. Talk about all the little changes we can make that culminate into living an entirely different life. I lost 70 pounds in two years, simply by realizing that eating close to bedtime robbed me of precious quality sleep. When I realized this, I made sure to eat dinner before 6 pm and be done for the night. Once that was done, it was only a matter of pushing my breakfast back two hours and I was doing daily fasts. When I began to drink more water and less soda, I felt less lethargic without the highs and lows from the sugar. The second result was less calories, and thus more weight loss. That weight loss came with feeling less pains day to day. Each little building block is part of something bigger. The tiny things accumulate and build off one another. Just as learning a new language or going back to school has to be taken one step at a time, so does health and wellness. Don't start with mental health, don't start by triggering people's stigmas and fear of judgment. Just show them nutrition, and let them feel better. Then take them to the next step, and the next. Before they know it, they'll be celebrating their mental health successes and those stigmas fade away.

Some essays ask for histories of battles with mental health, family problems, poverty, past abuse, and all manners of details about the lives we have endured. My life includes those in abundance, but what is remarkable is how those have shaped my drive for the future. Three years ago I found myself at a turning point, and chose to break the cycle of abuse that had been my first 26 years. I left my partner, started seeing a counselor, and rented an apartment in a supportive community. I grew closer to my parents, lost 70 pounds, and gave my body care it had not seen in over 10 years. Over a year ago someone came into my life, and before I knew it I was smitten. But most importantly are the two things she saw. She fell for a man who had come from mental and physical malnourishment to a place where he flourished, and she fell for someone who was still growing. She asked why I never went back to school. I realized even after all the healing I had done, I had never shaken the issues with my self-perception from my abusers before. I did not believe I could succeed in school. She believed in me, and so I let myself believe. Since that first class, my goals have done nothing but grow. My investments of time and energy have constantly risen to these new goals. With Covid, her country closed its borders. Last year she and I were separated. After several months, I took a 1 month trip to a neutral country between us to see her. Through unexpected events, this trip became six and a half months and came with many debts. Yet, it changed my view of the world. I made it home in July, and to this day we continue to be separated. We have lost interview dates for her visas multiple times, and we do not know when we can finally be together again. While I was there, I met many Quechua, and fell in love with South American culture. The parents of my girlfriend, now fiance, both grew up in Quechua towns and knew the Quechua language. I wrote my final paper for Cultural Anthropology on Quechua history and the challenges they face in modern times. This experience shaped my perspectives and my goals. I no longer want to simply advance my local career and go back to working 40 hours a week and returning home. I am now pursuing a transfer program for my Bachelors in International Business with a focus in Supply Chain Management, supported by Latin American Studies and International Development minors. One year ago, I began teaching myself Spanish. Now I am conversational and half the time my thoughts are in Spanish. Over the next few years, there are several Spanish courses scheduled that are not needed for my degree, so that I can become truly fluent. I no longer want to grow in my little career of 15 years here in Indiana. I will grow until the world is my office. I have a 4.0 in the honors program at my community college, and I am considering universities located in every corner of the U.S. My goal is to work toward bridging the North-South gap in the Americas. I will use my business and logistics experience supported by my growing experience in Latin America to change how the world sees international development. I am no longer content with any goal that doesn't not improve our world. I will leave this world better than I found it.

My past dragged me through waves of abuse, depression, abandonment, desire for death, hopelessness, anxiety, and breakdowns. I grew up a well-loved Christian boy, active in church, with my family and friends the center of my strength. When I was 17 years old, my mother cheated on my father. He fought to save the marriage, my mother did not. My mother has had a long history of depression and child abuse, passing that abuse along to me throughout my childhood. I still remember the sound of objects whizzing centimeters from my head. I can still see her backing me into corners. I still remember how she would close herself in her bedroom afterward, not returning until I went and consoled her. After cheating, she fell deeper into depression and sought love in the wrong places, disappearing from my life. My father fell into a deep sadness from the loss of his love, and also disappeared. At that time, I was signed up for 17 credit hours for my first semester at IUPUI. I started working 40 hours a week at the local McDonald's. Between both, I slept about 3-4 hours a night. Many times I wanted to die, but a religious upbringing kept me from ever trying. I was quite reckless, hoping that one day, someone would do it for me. I remember the times I exhaustion-vomited into my mouth at work, swallowed it, and continued to take orders. I was living with one meal a day, and my managers would sneak me food, as they knew I often did not eat otherwise. I withdrew from friends, church, and family. I began to function on a form of autopilot, avoiding thinking or feeling. I dropped out of school, feeling my body weakening from long periods of insufficient rest and nutrition. The only way to eat was with the money for gas and classes. Through it all, I treated people with the care I desperately needed from others. One day, a happy customer invited me to work for her. From there, I began to feel more hope than I had in a long time. While my mental health improved in one way, I stayed in a relationship that ventured down the roads of gaslighting and further abuse. I did not understand I deserved better, and lived in a state of constantly wishing to die. Countless times I considered flooring the gas as I passed a sturdy tree. Years of abuse culminated in a memory of rocking back and forth hallway, thinking, "why does life have to be this way?" A few months later, with advice from loved ones, I initiated my divorce. I promise myself to never forget or be vulnerable again. Today, I understand how abuse victims can say someone sweeps you off your feet. I don't even remember the moment I fell for her. Instead of insisting I will fail as my abuser did, she lifts me. She apologizes when she hurts me and accepts my apologies when I have wronged her. Recently, I found peace with my past. I have learned that I am a survivor. I have lived what my friends have tried, and cannot, understand. I have overcome the conditioning that I am a failure, useless, and detriment to everyone around me. My choice is to smile and bring smiles to others. My choice is to love. My choice is to leave the world a better place than I found it. My choice is to be better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today. My choices have changed my world.

My past dragged me through waves of abuse, depression, abandonment, desire for death, hopelessness, anxiety, and breakdowns. I grew up a well-loved Christian boy, active in church, with my family and friends the center of my strength. When I was 17 years old, my mother cheated on my father. He fought to save the marriage, my mother did not. My mother has had a long history of depression and child abuse, passing that abuse along to me throughout my childhood. I still remember the sound of objects whizzing centimeters from my head. I can still see her backing my into corners. I still remember how she would close herself in her bedroom afterward, not returning until I went and consoled her. After cheating, she fell deeper into depression and sought love in the wrong places, disappearing from my life. My father fell into a deep sadness from the loss of his love, and also disappeared. At that time, I was signed up for 17 credit hours for my first semester at IUPUI. I started working 40 hours a week at the local McDonald's. Between both, I slept about 3-4 hours a night. Many times I wanted to die, but a religious upbringing kept me from ever trying. I was quite reckless, hoping that one day, someone would do it for me. I remember the times I exhaustion-vomited into my mouth at work, swallowed it, and continued to take orders. I was living with one meal a day, and my managers would sneak me food, as they knew I often did not eat otherwise. I withdrew from friends, church, and family. I began to function on a form of autopilot, avoiding thinking or feeling. I dropped out of school, feeling my body weakening from long periods of insufficient rest and nutrition. The only way to eat was with the money for gas and classes. Through it all, I treated people with the care I desperately needed from others. One day, a happy customer invited me to work for her. From there, I began to feel more hope than I had in a long time. While my mental health improved in one way, I stayed in a relationship that ventured down the roads of gaslighting and further abuse. I did not understand I deserved better, and lived in a state of constantly wishing to die. Countless times I considered flooring the gas as I passed a sturdy tree. Years of abuse culminated to a memory of rocking back and forth hallway, thinking, "why does life has to be this way?" A few months later , with advice from loved ones, I initiated my divorce. I promise myself to never forget or be vulnerable again. Today, I understand how abuse victims can say someone sweeps you off your feet. I don't even remember the moment I fell for her. Instead of insisting I will fail as my abuser did, she lifts me up. She apologizes when she hurts me, and accepts my apologies when I have wronged her. Recently, I found peace with my past. I have learned that I am a survivor. I have lived what my friends have tried, and cannot, understand. I have overcome conditioning that I am a failure, useless, and detriment to everyone around me. My choice is to smile, and bring smiles to others. My choice is to love. My choice is to leave the world a better place than I found it. My choice is to be better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today. My choices have changed my world.

My past has brought me through waves of abuse, depression, abandonment, a desire to die, hopelessness, anxiety, and breakdowns. I grew up as a well-loved Christian boy, active in church and with my family and friends the center of my strength. When I was 17 years old, my mother, having felt neglected for years by an overworking husband, cheated on my father. He fought to save the marriage, my mother did not. My mother has had a long history of depression and child abuse, passing that abuse along to me throughout my childhood. I still remember the sound of the pin whizzing centimeters from my head after all my home-school textbooks had been thrown at me. I can still feel her finger on my chest as she pounded it into me backing me into a wall countless times over the years. I still remember how she would close herself in her bedroom after, not returning until I went and consoled her. After cheating, she fell deeper into depression and sought love in the wrong places, disappearing from my life. My father fell into a deep sadness from the loss of the love of his life, and also disappeared. At that time, I was already signed up for 17 aggressive credit hours for my first semester at IUPUI Indianapolis. I started working 40 hours a week at the local McDonald's, and between both, slept about 3-4 hours a night. So many times I wanted to die, but a deeply religious upbringing kept me from ever trying. I was regularly quite reckless, hoping that one day, someone would do it for me. I remember the times I exhaustion-vomited into my mouth at work, swallowed it, and continued to take drive-through orders. I was living on one meal a day, and my managers would sneak me food when I was off the next day, as they knew I often did not eat without my free employee lunches. My life became a cycle of feel abandonment, hopelessness, and despair. I withdrew from nearly every friend, church, and family. I began to function on a withdrawn form of autopilot, avoiding thinking or feeling. I dropped out of school, as I could feel my body weakening from the long period of insufficient rest and nutrition. The only way to eat was to stop using gas for my commute and paying for classes. Through it all, I stayed true to myself in many ways. I treated people well and with the care I so desperately needed from others. One day, a customer was so happy with how I had treated her, that she invited me to be a teller at her bank branch. From there, I began to earn a little more money and felt more hope than I had in a long time. Meanwhile, I had chosen a partner who shared traits with my mother. While I was coming up out of one part of my life disastrous for my mental health, I stayed in a relationship that ventured down the roads of gaslighting and further abuse. I did not understand, and never would have believed that I deserved better. Over the years, I lived in a state of constantly wishing to die. There are more days than I could ever remember where I considered flooring the gas as I drove down a highway and passed a particularly sturdy tree. There were many thoughts such as those over the years. They culminate to a memory of me rocking back and forth in the apartment hallway after a particularly difficult day ending in verbal abuse, and catching myself thinking, "why does life has to be this way?" From that day on, life changed. It was just a few months later I had gone to my family and friends, who has been trying for years to make me see, and asked for advice, and was beginning the process of my divorce. I spent significant amounts of money on two different counselors to work through my past and pain. I spent two years of my life completely dedicated to self-discover and recovery. Though, through it all, I promised myself to never forget. I decided I would never let anyone make me vulnerable again. I would never again be used, nor abused. Today, over three years from the day I realized life had to change, I find myself in a relationship I never expected. I now understand how abuse victims who moved on always said someone comes out of nowhere, when you least expect to fall for them, and sweeps you off your feet. I don't even remember the moment I fell for her. I remember conviction that I would never again open up, and then I remember feeling fear that I already had. Today, she has pushed me to go back to school. Instead of insisting I will fail as my abuser did, she reminds me of every success. She lifts me up when I am tired, apologizes when she hurts me, and accepts my apologies when I have wronged her. Only recently, I have come to peace with my past. It taught me to appreciate every single good person I have in my life, and it taught me that healthy relationships are beautiful. Alongside that, I have learned that I am a survivor. I have lived through things that my friends have tried, and cannot, understand. I have overcome decades of conditioning that I am a failure, useless, and detriment to everyone around me. I know that I am who I chose to be. My choice, is to smile, and hurt less because of the smile I brought to someone else. My choice, is to love, and be proud of myself. My choice, is to leave the world a better place than I found it. My choice, is to be better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today. This is my motto, and it has changed my world.

Growing up my mother was someone who minced words. She was kind and always cared for the feelings and happiness of those around her. However, there were three topics about which she never held back. One of those was equality. She taught me that many people, including our neighbor, saw and talked about racial differences, treating people differently. She told me they were horrible and sinful people. That in reality, it is one's character and actions that define who they are. While I am not as conservative and religiously focused as my mother, I clearly agree with her to this day. The bible says "Love one another." Nowhere does it place conditions. It does not say to love only Christians, nor does it include any other clause. Dolly Parton sings "It takes all kinds of kinds." I was fortunate to grow up with a diverse group of friends. During my life, every time I have heard someone express an attitude of discrimination, I have expressed distaste and cut them from my life. I remember an employee who suffered a lot during his life, for his skin, and was always wary. He stayed very distant from the management team, as we were both white. During the years, he opened up to me, and we passed many mornings joking with each other despite a high stress work environment. In the end, we would see each other in Kroger and stop to catch up about his kids. All I can do is not care about artificial criteria, and be one person who shifts the world each day. I want to build a network of hard workers, people with strong character, and people who want a better world. Those are my criteria. Those are all that matter.

My strongest quality is my innate desire to bless others. I grew up abused, was effectively abandoned at 17 to fend for myself, and found myself ignorantly blundering into a gaslighting relationship for 10 years. But through everything, I never stopped wanting to bless those around me. Maybe this was because it gave me a chance to give others what I did not have, or because it gave me a sense of reason for my life, or maybe even because their smiles made me feel good. I do not know for sure, but what I believe is that it is part of me. When I was 8 years old I donated my entire savings of 60 whole dollars to a food drive and helped pass out Thanksgiving meals. It was an incredible experience, and from then on I believe this was an integral part of myself. The times when I suffered the most, I remember listening to the lonely elderly woman who had to call my insurance helpline and felt so lost, because her recently deceased husband had handled those situations for over 60 years. I can still remember thinking "I am going to get in trouble, but I don't care." I also still remember smiling on the inside as my manager lectured me afterwards for the lost time, knowing that woman had received a much-needed blessing that day. I remember driving home broke, cold, and sad; when I saw a man and woman walking in the snow, him freezing for having given her his coat. I stopped and gave them a ride home, worrying the whole time about how I was going to stretch my gas tank through the end of the week. When I dropped them off, the man would not get out of my car until I accepted his 40 dollars and heartfelt thanks. I still remember that I couldn't stop crying my entire way home because he had felt so blessed, and he also blessed me more than he will ever know. When my best friend died in 2017, it broke my heart. He had been there for me through nearly every trial of my life, and I had been his first call when he faced his greatest challenges. At the funeral, I met dozens of people he had blessed, some of them he had cared for emotionally every day as they suffered through trials. I knew about none of them. He always blessed everyone he met, never asking for anything in return. He never asked for praise, nor talked about his sacrifices for others. As he was unable to leave his bed to use the restroom, as his body failed him, he never quit pouring out his heart for people and blessing them each and every day until the end. These moments are truly the most beautiful parts of our human lives, and we need to pass them on. The only way we can leave the world a little better each day is to bless someone. If you see someone struggling with their groceries, offer to help. They may say no, but you just might see a smile cross their lips as you walk away. We never know what someone else is going through. Please always treat people as if they are on the brink of breaking, and need just one little blessing. Because often, it is true.

My past has brought me through waves of abuse, depression, abandonment, a desire to die, hopelessness, anxiety, and breakdowns. I grew up as a well-loved Christian boy, active in church and with my family and friends the center of my strength. When I was 17 years old, my mother, having felt neglected for years by an overworking husband, cheated on my father. He fought to save the marriage, my mother did not. My mother has had a long history of depression and child abuse, passing that abuse along to me throughout my childhood. I still remember the sound of the pin whizzing centimeters from my head after all my homeschool textbooks had been thrown at me. I can still feel her finger on my chest as she pounded it into me backing me into a wall countless times over the years. I still remember how she would close herself in her bedroom after, not returning until I went and consoled her. After cheating, she fell deeper into depression and sought love in the wrong places, disappearing from my life. My father fell into a deep sadness from the loss of the love of his life, and also disappeared. At that time, I was already signed up for 17 aggressive credit hours for my first semester at IUPUI Indianapolis. I started working 40 hours a week at the local McDonald's, and between both, slept about 3-4 hours a night. So many times I wanted to die, but a deeply religious upbringing kept me from ever trying. I was regularly quite reckless, hoping that one day, someone would do it for me. I remember the times I exhaustion-vomited into my mouth at work, swallowed it, and continued to take drive-through orders. I was living on one meal a day, and my managers would sneak me food when I was off the next day, as they knew I often did not eat without my free employee lunches. My life became a cycle of feel abandonment, hopelessness, and despair. I withdrew from nearly every friend, church, and family. I began to function on a withdrawn form of autopilot, avoiding thinking or feeling. I dropped out of school, as I could feel my body weakening from the long period of insufficient rest and nutrition. The only way to eat was to stop using gas for my commute and paying for classes. Through it all, I stayed true to myself in many ways. I treated people well and with the care I so desperately needed from others. One day, a customer was so happy with how I had treated her, that she invited me to be a teller at her bank branch. From there, I began to earn a little more money and felt more hope than I had in a long time. Meanwhile, I had chosen a partner who shared traits with my mother. While I was coming up out of one part of my life disastrous for my mental health, I stayed in a relationship that ventured down the roads of gaslighting and further abuse. I did not understand, and never would have believed that I deserved better. Over the years, I lived in a state of constantly wishing to die. There are more days than I could ever remember where I considered flooring the gas as I drove down a highway and passed a particularly sturdy tree. There were many thoughts such as those over the years. They culminate to a memory of me rocking back and forth in the apartment hallway after a particularly difficult day ending in verbal abuse, and catching myself thinking, "why does life has to be this way?" From that day on, life changed. It was just a few months later I had gone to my family and friends, who has been trying for years to make me see, and asked for advice, and was beginning the process of my divorce. I spent significant amounts of money on two different counsellors to work through my past and pain. I spent two years of my life completely dedicated to self-discover and recovery. Though, through it all, I promised myself to never forget. I decided I would never let anyone make me vulnerable again. I would never again be used, nor abused. Today, over three years from the day I realized life had to change, I find myself in a relationship I never expected. I now understand how abuse victims who moved on always said someone comes out of nowhere, when you least expect to fall for them, and sweeps you off your feet. I don't even remember the moment I fell for her. I remember conviction that I would never again open up, and then I remember feeling fear that I already had. Today, she has pushed me to go back to school. Instead of insisting I will fail as my abuser did, she reminds me of every success. She lifts me up when I am tired, apologizes when she hurts me, and accepts my apologies when I have wronged her. Only recently, I have come to peace with my past. It taught me to appreciate every single good person I have in my life, and it taught me that healthy relationships are beautiful. Alongside that, I have learned that I am a survivor. I have lived through things that my friends have tried, and cannot, understand. I have overcome decades of conditioning that I am a failure, useless, and deteriment to everyone around me. I know that I am who I chose to be. My choice, is to smile, and hurt less because of the smile I brought to someone else. My choice, is to love, and be proud of myself. My choice, is to leave the world a better place than I found it. My choice, is to be better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today. This is my motto, and it has changed my world.

I still remember vividly the day I found out my mother cheated on my father. I remember the devastation written all over his face, as he told her they would figure it out. I remember the guilt dominating her own expression, and how she gave up hope. They divorced and left me finishing high school, at 17 years old, to fend for myself. I lost my family, my strength, and my security all in one moment. I started college shortly after with 17 credit hours of classes, a car that barely ran, and working 40 hours a week at minimum wage. I still remember the anger, the sorrow, the depression, and the hopelessness. I will always recall throwing up, as my body succumbed more each day to the exhaustion, and swallowing it to keep taking an order in the drive-through at work. I can still see my managers sliding me boxes of chicken nuggets or misordered food at the end of my shift because they knew without it I wouldn't eat the next day. I always promised myself I would stay true to who I was, no matter how hard life became. The days all merged together as I returned home from work at 4 am, and then awoke at 7 am to go to my morning classes. Eventually, I started sleeping through classes, as the sleep deprivation became more severe. I had to drop out of college so I could work, sleep, and afford to eat. I felt so hopeless, but I held on. One day, a drive-through customer appreciated my nature so much that she offered me a job at her bank. Since that day, I have never stopped growing. I've made mistakes, and they've taught me. They broke me, but I persevered. I always get back up.

My daily motivation comes from my past, present, and future. My past is filled with hardships and abuse, and I fought every day to change my life. I fought to get through almost 8 months of eating one meal a day, at 17 years old, essentially abandoned by both parents. I fought to overcome chronic pain and my breaking mental state. I worked 6-7 days a week and two jobs for years on end, because I knew it was my only ticket to a better life. I met a partner who was much like my mother and abused me for 10 years. I did not understand I deserved better, nor how her actions affected me. In the end, she used my effort to buy a company in her name shortly before we divorced. I once again found myself with nearly nothing. However, that is not where my story was meant to end. Those parts of my life taught me to fight for my success and to protect myself. They taught me what I would accept from other people in my life, and what I would leave behind. I learned from my mistakes, and only let them fuel my motivation. I spent two years recovering from a lifetime of abuse, unwavering in my comprehension that only I could decide my future. I cultivated a network of incredible people in my life, and am now engaged with someone who supports my growth. Now, I am pursuing a career in international business, logistics, and development. I am working two full-time jobs and maintaining a 4.0 on the Dean's List. I will keep growing, I will be better tomorrow than I am today, I will change the world. I will not stop!

I have long considered happiness to be fleeting, and joy to be enduring. My joy does not come from receiving a present, or from consumerism. My joy comes from knowing the impact I have on people's lives. My joy Wednesday came from the sweet woman who stopped me after I made a delivery to her home, because she wanted to offer me a soda and pray with me. My joy Friday came from another customer who made me a Christmas card of her family and cats, because I always stop to talk with them and pet them. When I deliver to her home, her cats run for the front door and we all receive a smile. Joy comes from knowing you bless people, and always will. It comes from being blessed by a wonderful community of which you are part. Every day I strive to leave the world a little bit of a better place than I found it. I aim to be a little better today than I was yesterday and to pursue a tomorrow where I am better than I was today. I started a list in Excell for each of the people who brought me joy this holiday season, with a plan to return their joy to them. Every positive action breeds more. Every time you bless someone, they are more likely to bless the next person who crosses their path. True joy is knowing who you are, and being at peace with yourself. It is growing each and every day while helping others to do the same. Please bless someone today, and bring a little more joy into our world. Thank you.

Just today, I bagged the third bag of type 1 and 2 plastics to drop at my local recycling center on my next visit, as well as various cardboard and metal recyclables. I consistently buy economy cars, even during the times of my life where I could have chosen sports models. I keep my life litter-free, and avoid using disposables such as paper plates. However, I have recently learned many things in my Astronomy, International Politics, and other classes. I have researched and verified them to remove doubt, and my interest in global collective goods and common resources has peaked. I have learned far more details about the realities of the Garbage Patches in our oceans, as well as global warming and alternative energy. I have studied the differences between common political talking points and real-world issues. My career goals have changed from a Bachelors in Logistics, to International Business Management with minors in Latin American Studies and International Development. I don't want to simply recycle. I want to advocate for recycling in Bolivia, where my three months this year showed me trash lining both sides of most streets. There is a world of growth to be done, and I want to be one of the people leading the way.

I look back, and remember the 17-year-old who was living alone, trying to earn enough to eat and pay for college. I remember failing, both with earning enough to eat and in my classes. I look back, and remember the 26-year-old in a long-term abusive relationship, leaving the relationship and using my disposable income to pay for counseling and healing. I look back at January 2021, and remember the stagnant career manager who was without work. Now, I have a healthy relationship. During all of this, she has been trapped in her home country of Argentina, and I have spent six and a half months of 2021 out of the country. I have spent the last months working two full-time jobs, joining honors with a 4.0 on the Dean's List, and maintaining that 4.0 after a semester of honors courses. After an inspiring International Politics class this semester, I am fighting alongside my professor to begin a student assistant program at my community college. I am preparing to transfer to a four-year degree program in Business Administration with International and Logistics Dual Specializations, Spanish Minor, International Development Minor, and Leadership in Organization Certificate. I have found my passion in the bridging of cultures for collective benefit and combined it with my career in logistics. I am planning to sell my house and move to Colorado in the Spring of 2024, and I will graduate from the program in the Fall of 2025. I know I will be growing personally, and growing the world, before the turn of the next century. I will work with organizations to bridge the north-south gap in the Americas, and solve collective goods problems throughout the western hemisphere. Thank you, Nathaniel Geise