Part of my experience in growing up has included witnessing first-hand the devastating effects that can result from mental health struggles. I have seen the impact of these battles in the lives of my family but also in my personal experience. Despite these challenges, I have committed myself to resilience and making the most of my life regardless of these struggles.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depressive disorder in 2021. The road to recognizing the need for help and seeking it was a difficult one for me; I was well acquainted with symptoms of anxiety for my whole life and did not see it for what it was. Both of these disorders are hereditary in my family, but not well understood by me. Until I sought help, these disorders manifested in a variety of ways; excessive self criticism, difficulty with maintaining friendships, challenges in personal relationships, disinterest in my passions, self hatred, self-harm, little will to live, among other challenges. For instance, anxiety has pushed me to excessive productivity, even at the cost of not taking care of myself physically, while depression led me to doubt my achievements. I fought with my mother, I withdraw from my friends and hobbies. For a time, I struggled with self-harm. These challenges came to a head in 2020, when I found myself isolated in quarantine and with so much free time I had little distraction from my thoughts. It was at this time I felt that life was only a chore and had doubts I would ever truly be happy or feel differently. This is the time I recognized that I needed help.
Confessing to my mother that I felt something was wrong with me was easily the hardest conversation of my life. It was though I was admitting a horrific flaw in me. However, I was met with kindness. She made an appointment to speak with my doctor regarding this and helped me tell my close family. I was diagnosed and prescribed Sertraline. I didn't opt for therapy, so instead I sought to deeper understand mental health. I learned about how to change thought patterns and I recognized what things triggered me to feel poorly and what helped me feel better. In other words, I learned about how my mind was working and how to redirect my thoughts to feel better. I found strength in my faith in God and encouragement with my best friend who related to my struggles. This was a difficult, non-linear process. It was challenging to see and acknowledge that something was wrong in me, and even harder to find the self-kindness and will to help myself. At times, it felt like nothing would work. But in the time of a few months, I began to see change. I remembered what it was to feel genuine happiness. I learned how to take care of myself, even if I was unmotivated to do so. I became kinder to myself. I repaired my relationship with my mother and became engaged in the world around me again. Eventually, I began to love my life and I am grateful for this daily.
Since the time I initially sought help, I have made leaps and bounds in my mental health journey. I better understand myself and am committed to taking care of myself. To this day, I feel the effects of mental health; I sometimes catch myself slipping into unhealthy thought patterns, or panicking disproportionately. However, I have made notable progress.
Today, though I still face challenges, I am committed to making the most of the life that I have. I take care of my mental health the best way I know how; through interpersonal connections, through my faith, through purpose in my work and in my talents. I still take medication. I treat myself with the most kindness I can find. In this, I've found myself to be deeply resilient.
As a result of prioritizing my health, I have discovered new passions of mine. One of these includes my work in horticulture. Currently, I work at a landscaping company called Lowney's Landscaping Center Inc. I love my job for a variety of reasons - I get to be outside and working physically every day, which, simply put, is very fun, and even helps clear my mindset. In this, I found my dream, which is to pursue horticulture in my work. This shapes my educational goal of studying an associates degree in greenhouse operations at Fox Valley Technical college. By overcoming my struggles and prioritizing my health, I am deeply grateful to have developed a goal and dream for my future, which I never could have imagined a few short years ago.