Daily, I am plagued by the severity of the impact my mental health has had on my life. Nearly a decade ago (in March of 2018, when I was just twelve years old), I talked to my doctor about how little joy I had in life. It was the first time I said it to anyone - even myself. Shortly after I turned 13, I would go on to receive depressive disorder and major anxiety disorder diagnoses with strong recommendations to pursue therapy. While this is not what I consider to be the start of my mental health journey, it is when people in my life started to truly begin to understand why I am the way I am.
Oftentimes, when I see a new doctor or therapist and they ask how long I have felt the way I do now, fighting to feel the days are worth it, I try to explain to them that it has been concurrent with the entire memorable part of my life. As young as five, I remember crying desperately in my bed each night for my imprisoned drug addict mother who subjected me to her using. I dressed for kindergarten having already learned to fake my smile. I began experiencing sexual abuse at the hands of my older step-brother shortly after starting school. I did not understand what was happening to me when he snuck into my room at night, but I knew it made me feel dirty. Because I was ignorant that what was happening was wrong, it proceeded for years as we grew up. Devastatingly, all the screaming flashing signs that I was being abused were ignored by my dad. My underwear would be found stuffed in places around the house where I did not leave them, yet no alarms were raised. On a dark and lonely night, six years before I was provided professional help, I pleaded for my life to end for the first time as I felt a too familiar and sickeningly warm embrace of my brother for a span of hours while everyone in the house slept. I was six years old.
What was unbeknownst to me was that the many instances of neglect and abuse I experienced while in my prepubescent years, particularly those earliest in childhood, caused the development of cPTSD - a diagnosis I was given as a young teen. Additionally, I would go on to inherit my mother's Bipolar I. As I've moved through life trying to battle my disabilities, I have tried dozens of medications and therapists, but I still struggle almost daily. To date, I have been institutionalized four separate times for severe depression and suicidal ideation with my most recent release being less than three weeks ago. I am often overwhelmed by the pressure put on me by my own mind. Balancing the lows and highs of my mental health while having to work particularly hard to support myself without my parents has made me incredibly resilient.
Each time I reach that low point of not wanting to continue to live, I have tried to take time to seriously evaluate my life. A big part of that has come down to who I want to be involved with. When I talk about the atrocious nature of my childhood, people are appalled. To preserve my mental health, I have chosen to almost entirely cut my parents out of my life. I see them for major holidays so I can see my many siblings; however, outside of that, I don't see them at all. In place of them, I surround myself with people who uplift me. I am trying to form stronger connections with the people in my life I know I can count on for anything. In particular, I have found the man I know I will marry who keeps me going. He is incredibly patient with me as I continue to learn to manage my mental health and is there to support me every step of the way. I rely on him heavily which has been hard to learn to do because I never truly felt I had someone to rely on before him.
Because of my mental health, I often feel I do not have enough to offer. No matter how much I accomplish, I never feel satisfied with my achievements. As such, I have struggled a lot with setting goals. Slowly, I am trying to learn to set more achievable goals. Last fall, I failed at starting college because of an overwhelming depressive episode, leaving me discouraged. Over the past nine months, I have evaluated how I want to live my life. I will be pursuing an associate's degree at a local community college and taking CLEP tests to attest to my already plentiful knowledge rather than at an expensive university. I am allowing myself to take my time in an effort not to get burned out.
In the face of what I have experienced, I try to live my life ambitiously, especially when it has not been auspicious to me. I want to prove that despite what I have been through, I am capable of accomplishing greatness. I spend every day with kindness and hope that energy will be returned to me. I have come to understand that life is not fair and that while I am a victim of my experiences I will still be a success. While it is difficult, I am trying to make a more conscious effort to take care of myself with a special focus on my mental health. I feel that being my healthiest self will enable me to be my most successful self.