"I tend to think of death as being like changing your clothes when they are old and worn out, rather than as some final end" - Sogyal Rinpoche
Death doesn’t always mean “the end”. In fact, it can be an introductory course to new beginnings. Both life and death share common characteristics; they both bring pain. How you deal with that pain determines whether you succeed or succumb.
The wave of COVID-19 brought devastation to the homes of millions of people, mine included. Not only did death plague families, but depression plagued the minds of youth worldwide. I never would’ve thought I’d experience its effects firsthand.
Usually, by the time I woke up, I’d smell the breakfast my mother made, hearing her gospel music blasting along with my siblings conversing in the living room. However, this day it was eerily quiet, and the air felt thick. Once I exited my room and saw the sadness on my older brother's face, I already knew.
My grandmother started to feel ill and had my mother drive her to the hospital. In my lifetime, I’ve never seen my grandma get sick, yet the time she does is when people are dying at high rates and hospital visits are closed. I immediately started to think the worst. Sadly, on April 1st, 2020 my worst nightmare became a reality. I had woken up to a complete shift in my house.
Following the death of my grandmother, I experienced seven deaths in my family up until October of 2021. This was the first time I’ve ever truly experienced and grasped death. Family means the world to me, so I did not know how to cope with the extreme loss. I was not able to fully mourn one family member without losing another. I sank into an extreme depression and lost motivation in almost everything. I was too afraid to ask for help due to my knowing my parents were mourning the losses as well. The only thing I could do was sit in my room trapped with my thoughts.
I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I was taught to never question God, however, I couldn’t help it. Every day, the thought of whether or not God was truly real and there for me plagued my psyche. My family who was once filled with love and laughter was now at a complete standstill. I knew I needed help before it was too late. I was too nervous to seek help within my family due to them experiencing the same level of depression and sadness I was going through. Finally, after months of internal protests, I decided to talk with my mother to seek professional help.
Deciding to see a therapist was not easy, but it was necessary. After several successful sessions, I slowly began to feel like myself again. I had to come to the tough reality that wallowing in sorrow would not bring my loved ones back. Although I miss them, I had to learn how to take the pain and channel it into something positive. Through this journey, I’ve curated my own business called Mikayla’s Aesthetic, started an acting career, finished my first half of college with a cumulative 3.57 GPA, and spent more time with my family. Starting with the death of my grandmother, I learned that death leads to rebirth.
Going to therapy and finding healthy coping mechanisms for my emotions was key in my decision on what I want to do in my future. I aspire to be a psychologist for incarcerated juveniles. I want to give psychological resources to underprivileged communities. I now attend Howard University, majoring in psychology and minoring in Criminal Justice. After receiving my Bachelor of Science, I plan on furthering my education by attending Howard Law School. My goal in life is to provide my patients with both psychological resources and legal counsel to help halt the previously mentioned habits while they’re still tangible. Therapy is an extremely taboo topic in the Black community. The lack of resources is a product of low income, pride, and fear of judgment. This can eventually lead to bottled-up emotions that will potentially put many people in danger. The prison system puts very little funding into finding people who are qualified to treat these kids. Countless of them simply need an outlet that they can come to, or a person they know will be in their corner.
Each of my loved ones prayed for my success, and I refuse to let them down in any way, shape, or form. Whether they are here with me or watching over me from above, it’s my mission to make them proud. I’ve decided that I must take the initiative to pick up the broken pieces and turn them into art.