It is a core belief of mine that everyone have a creative outlet in their lives to help their lives. We as humans are meant to be creators. We are meant to share our creations with the world as we never know how they may impact another person. We need a creative outlet to help ourselves express how we feel about life and get those raw emotions out. I choose music as my outlet. I have been playing with music in a variety of ways, from playing guitar and bass and picking up drums to some extent, to mixing songs with various downloaded multitrack stems found anywhere I can find them. This above all sets me in a "happy place" where I can make intricate changes to things or hear out mistakes so I can improve. That all challenges me, which allows me the opportunity to work harder, plus engage in something that brings me a lot of happiness. It is never work for me. Working with music applies to helping me accomplish what a lot of us want to accomplish: staying sane in a messed-up world. It is above all important to me as well as many people that we have something we can get our hands on, to mold something into existence where nothing was before. It helps us somehow, in a way we don't always understand but still knowing it helps us. I take pride in knowing that doing anything creative is a form of self-care as well. I think most of us can agree on those that, right?

A life without a crutch. A life without chemical dependence gripping you at your very core, refusing to let go no matter how much you fight it or how bad it gets. That is what recovery means most to me. It is ditching toxicity from your life over a long period, one step at a time. Most of the time that is all you have is taking it one second, one minute, one year, etc. at a time. Recovery is also the ability to look within and not only acknowledge the toxicity but accept your flaws completely and entirely. Recovery is doing your best to lead a healthy lifestyle, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It is also learning to love yourself again after your self-image was pulverized and held captive by your low self-esteem. This isn't easy either. You have to commit and develop a keen sense of discipline and a positive outlook. Recovery IS possible, you just have to take the next steps forward, and when that happens, nothing could be more commendable.

I have had such an uphill battle, whether it be the tremendous amount of emotional and mental abuse by my father I endured as a child, to dealing with my diagnoses as a result. Thirty years of my life have finally brought me to a point of recovery. I was never really that confident in myself having been diagnosed with Asperger's (now called autism spectrum disorder) and PTSD. These diagnoses have tainted my perspective on other people to a point of sheer conviction that other people naturally take little to no liking of me for my differences. I was so poisoned by my childhood dysfunction that it was hard to see things any differently. I never thought I could be normal or considered normal. This has changed as of late. I have spent a vast amount of time challenging my core beliefs in many ways. I have been in and out of psych crises centers, placed on varying different meds to combat my symptoms, and learned many ways to self-care. I have also gained an understanding of people through this that I hadn't had before. I have heard so many perspectives and doses of personal insight that have unlocked my sense of compassion and understanding. This wasn't without identifying what I needed to change. One of those things is to get rid of toxic people and things. It has taken a long time, but I now see how functional I can be and how other people are not the enemy like I have believed wholeheartedly in the past. I have also learned that the world is full of opportunity, especially in my chosen passion. I have gotten to a point in my recovery where I feel that it is time to pursue that passion by going back to school for it. I am currently enrolled in the Berklee College of Music online bachelor's program for Music Business. I especially have gained a belief that my Asperger's specifically is a strength and not a weakness. It has helped me in my self-education in music by being a source of my hyper-focus on the subject, which can only help in the long run. Above all, I have a completely different worldview, which I plan to cultivate and perpetuate as well. I don't have to be my diagnoses, but I need to acknowledge them to identify what I need to work on AND the strengths they bring me at the same time.

I can't really pick just one song, or a favorite song for that matter, but one that really inspires me is Split Enz's Giant Heartbeat. Originally about one's personal relationship with organized religion, It has inspired me to 1. record a cover of and 2. redefine the concept to something a bit closer to home. Lyrics such as "Sun up, sun down, fade to a look-a-like/Hearts and souls move together in time" take my mind to the relationship I had with my father. This was a dysfunctional father/son relationship with a tremendous amount of mental and emotional abuse inflicted on me all through my childhood and partially through my adulthood. I interpret these lyrics as a personal reflection on having insight into the commonalities in learned traits and behaviors that stick with a person over time. I have changed lyrics in some parts, such as the second verse's, "Felt like a Zephyr harmonizing with a flute..." to "Felt like Boreas harmonizing with a flute". These are characters in Greek mythology referring to the gods of the west and north winds. Zephyr comes from Zephyrus, god of the west wind which brought gentle spring breezes and the antagonist, Boreas: God of the North Wind, who brought cold winds. I use this deliberately to describe chaos that cannot be controlled, much like the family dynamics through my life as a direct result of my father. While I have many songs that inspire me, the feel of this song. The darkness and moodiness and self analyzation in the lyrics resonate with me in a way a lot of other songs don't. I believe it has mostly to do with how I have redefined the lyrics. This has more of a dramatic effect that truly moves me, and hopefully other people.

"Musicianship is much more than just technique. It demands an attitude of humility and a sense of great, natural gifts. At the same time, it demands a sense of confidence to do what is necessary to make the music come alive." - Bernard Purdie As a musician, this resonates with me heavily. I think this perspective should be at the forefront of any musician's mind. To be great is to be humble, willing to learn, and to never think you know it all right now. That is what I believe he means in this quote. I think it's also vital to add that perfection should never be the goal. It should be to have fun and do what you love. This I believe is implied in this quote as well. Above all, I don't think there could be a greater ounce of wisdom for musicians, and even regular people alike. This is much more than an attitude because you can always fake an attitude and get nowhere. It is a lifestyle. It is a personal philosophy that will ultimately carry one to live out their passions.

It's hard many times to pick out something, even just one, that I like about myself. I too am a victim and prisoner of low self-esteem and poor confidence. The consequence it brings? An overbearing sense of inadequacy and feeling as if you don't belong. Like many though, I am learning to positively cope with my struggles I never forget where I've been and that has taught me a great deal. It has laid out a landscape for the future moving forward. IfI could pick anything that I love about myself? My ambition. My constant persistence to keep going. If only to make my dreams of working professionally with music come true. What I humbly appreciate about this particular quality is that through thick and thin I've gained a lot more insight about myself. I've gained a lot of experience and matured over time. The sheer boldness to fight even when life had brought me to rock bottom multiple times. I realize that I finally have a chance to get my foot in the door of my dreams. It's profound to me that I have made it this far. It is because of me working to make a change in how I was perceiving myself. I needed to to stand strong and fight the fear as I trudged forward. I may still be on the road to loving myself, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel Sometimes we lose track of ourselves. We slip into an abyss of self disregard. But there are glimpses of hope we can find if we just dig a little deeper into ourselves. Though the road be daunting and perilous, we may discover at least a shimmer of hope that one day we can love every part of us.

I have and always will be the most drawn to music. I respect all forms of art, but the alure was strong from a very early age onward to music. Music obviously, is sound. This polyphonic collection of sounds can be molded and crafted into many interesting and masterful products. It is prolific in the sense that it is infinitely varying in style and form. Like many forms of visual art, music resonates with us humans. We are empathetically connecting with what we are hearing. With this comes a multitude of interpretations. There is a profound beauty in this I believe. This feeling is prominent in me because my personal connection with music. Being a musician has contributed to this belief. The musicality contributes to the lyrics symbiotically. I can name so many examples of this too. A group from the late 1960's called the Moody Blues comes to mind. Their album Days Of Future Passed for example, is an ode to the pure naturality of the changing times of the day. They brilliantly compose around their lyrics in an esoteric and abstract way. They also feature a full philharmonic orchestra on each track to introduce the song. The orchestral arrangements reference the melodies found in the song they're introducing in such a way that even as a standalone strike you with wonderment and awe and make you empathetically feel the vivid lyrical profoundly poetic descriptions. They ultimately separated themselves from the status quo, which is a commendable show of true integrity I once heard something from their drummer Graeme Edge say, "...it's the marriage of classical and rock...". I think that encapsulates everything they are as a band. A band of true artists. If you listen to their work, you'll understand why music is art. I guarantee it.

My journey has been a long one, 15 years long. I set out 15 years ago to come of age with learning music, as much as I could. Through the years I have spent quite a lot of time picking up guitar, bass, drums, and singing. I relied on my school electives initially, which were always centered around music to develop a foundation. Choir classes, in both junior high and high school as well as guitar classes all through high school provided what I needed to carry on teaching myself, which has proved to be lucrative in knowledge in and of itself. I have also spent many of these years in self study, picking up techniques used in recording and mixing music. Gaining more an more of these skills over time drove the motivation I feel now going back to school at the Berklee College of Music Online. I am going to be studying for a bachelor's degree in music business. While I normally can't stand the bureaucratic side of the music world, I have a strategy studying this. The long term goal I am striving diligently for is to eventually start my own indie record label. With the overflowing amount of knowledge wealth Berklee will be providing me, I feel confidence in knowing that the degree I'll have worked for will bring me miles ahead going forward. How does this help people? Well, let's think about what the primary focus is, or in this case, WHO our primary focus is. The indie music scene, which has a lot of artists that remain yet to emerge to the world of some kind of success; and above all, respect for the art they have projected so much of themselves upon. I want to focus on the underdogs of this world. The music industry is a fickle entity that narrows it's definition of what is desirable to them and what they consider "successful". Especially in today's world, their focus is solely on carefully and rigidly handpicked talent that possesses not only musical gift, but also a universally desirable physical image as well. This is completely missing the point in my eyes. I want to contribute to a scene that upholds loyalty to it's eccletic array of artists. Loyalty to their art. An all inclusive loyalty to a population of powerfully creative souls dying to be heard that otherwise, are forgotten. This is the root of the indie record world. An artist can essentially rise up through their own making with help. My education will give me the power to methodically assist in the molding of who they want to become. It will be using the same strategies as the top dogs, but in the pursuit of working with these guys as equals. Music is in and of itself a force of energy. An energy that we humans are lovingly dedicated to. It's an energy that is profound in so many ways. It appears in many different forms and styles. Why limit ourselves to a few particular niches when we could have so much more providing everyone with this profound energy? It does so much to any community to keep artistic talent alive, and I believe my purpose in life is to do just that.