I am one of the lucky ones. I didn’t experience a mental health crisis until I was in my late 20’s. I had married one of my best friends of four years who unbeknownst to me, turned out to have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (the real diagnosis). After three weeks of marriage I, a confident, independent woman, had shriveled into a piece of charcoal, burned up by the verbal abuse that was a non-stop onslaught. It happened so quickly and so sudden that I was embarrassed which kept me silent and left me alone. I was started cutting and having suicidal ideation. I had reminders in my phone that told me to “Shut the f@$! Up and stop talking.” The only way I could survive was to remain frozen. I didn’t know despair like this before. The funny thing about being in a verbally abusive relationship with someone who has NPD is that they are really great at changing their masks and giving hope and fake love. It wasn’t until four children and 16 years later that I was able to leave. During this time I learned how to build boundaries and create a sense of self. This experience changed me forever and I learned a few things that completely disseminated my naïve understanding of mental health. The first thing I learned is that a mental health crisis or condition can affect any individual at any time, no matter what or how they are living. I consider myself to be a very independent, driven woman and I was one who would stupidly say “I would never stay in an abusive relationship.” It didn’t matter that I had a wonderful family upbringing, a strong network of friends, or was on a pathway to success financially. None of those were strong enough barriers to keep me from experiencing a crisis. The second thing I learned was that positive thinking and just pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is not enough to overcome the devastation of a mental health crisis. Before my experience, I was a believer and partaker of the toxic positivity culture. I would judge others who were pessimistic and depressed. And embarrassingly, I admit I judged those who would die by suicide and sometimes I would even call them selfish. Even writing this hurts my heart to say because I have been in that place where hope ceases to exist and understand that suicide and depression and whatever else may be occurring is lonely and painful and often uncontrollable. When in the depths, one can’t simply think of a loved one or repeat a positive mantra and pull themselves out of it. The third thing I learned from my experience is that the what is occurring internally in a human is often suppressed or ignored because societal expectations do not offer space or an environment of healing for people who are suffering. There is a chasm of disconnect which discourages and shames vulnerability because when people admit they are struggling, they are often met with judgment and dismissiveness. This creates a sense of loneliness. And I say this knowing that there are people who are loved and would do anything for anyone, but it is the culture's conditioning that keeps people silent. Ultimately, I left my marriage with a new understanding about mental health. It is difficult to even put into words, but what I do know, is that we cannot control our emotions and we are trying to navigate a world of paradox that is constantly fluid and shifting, and often, we get stuck in the throes of the darkness, unable to simply gaze over at the light. I believe it’s difficult to gaze at the light because we are so bound by our conditioning and sense of self and who we are. But it can be done. We can look at the light when we are in the presence of someone who is not trying to solve our problems, but who climbs down into the depths with us and holds us in our pain. We can look at the light when we sense that there are others who have empathy for our situation because it is in those moments, we know that we are not alone. But then comes the paradox to say that yes, we can look at the light, and sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we are stuck and because we are human and have autonomy and ultimately, our choices do not align with expectations. It is in this autonomy that I have learned to release judgment about anyone with mental health issues and simply try and see them as they are. My personal experiences and what I have learned has inspired to pursue a Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with the goal of helping people understand that they are not alone and that they can exist in their pain with another human. I am also an advocate for mental health and hope to shift the narrative about what mental health is one person at a time. I believe that when more people understand that often there is no choice or control over emotions that arise within us, communities will begin to understand that it isn’t a black and white issue, but rather, mental health lives in the gray, and it is in the gray, where healing can happen. My hope is that this understanding will alleviate judgement and encourage vulnerability in communities, which in turn, will provide a safe haven for those struggling and help alleviate shame.

It is difficult to describe the fear that is faced when deciding to go back to school at the age of 44. I made the decision because upon deep reflection, there was an element of unfulfillment that took up residence in every cell of my body. Admittedly, up until this point, I have had the opportunity to engage in experiences that shaped my sense of self in a profound way. When I was in my early 20’s, I went to Ecuador for nine months and cared and connected with displaced orphans. During this time, I could feel my ego subside and learned about the value of deep compassion and empathy. In my late 20’s, I was going to school and ended up doing a study abroad in Santiago, Chile. During this time, I developed sacred friendships. The relationships I developed with five strangers taught me the value of true connection and how powerful it is to feel seen and accepted – flaws and all. Needless to say, my twenties were full of self-discovery, but it was in my early 30’s where I discovered what unconditional love was. I had my first son at the age of 32 and could not believe the sensational transformation that occurred in my soul. My perspective on life didn’t shift from wanting to serve and find connection, but rather, it expanded and I understood the power of divine love. I went on to have three more boys during my 30’s. While I love them deeply, I in an unhealthy marriage. I was shriveling into a container I did not fit into. I I finally made the most difficult decision of my life and asked for a divorce. I felt liberated and for the first time felt inspired to go back to school and make myself complete. The values that I have mentioned and developed overtime inspired me to get my Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I believe that it only takes one individual to see another for healing to happen and this is what I plan to bring to my community. As a therapist, I want to be the person who creates a space of safety so clients will trust me enough to sit with them in their pain and grief. To be more precise, I plan to specialize in grief, but not only grief associated with death. Whenever there is change during a human’s life, there is grief. It can be found in job loss, home loss, having to move, losing friends, divorce, body changes, and health. My plan is to have a private practice as well as work with incarcerated and substance abuse individuals. I truly believe that if we can begin talking about and recognizing our grief wounds, we can be a healthier community. I cannot overstate how much this scholarship will help me achieve my goals. Yes, it will help alleviate my student debt, but because I am a single mom and going back to school, I am also living on the edge of poverty. This is not a complaint, but simply a fact. So yes, the money can have a great monetary effect on my life. But more than that, I want my boys to see that there is struggle in life, and it is ok to seek out and apply for help when needed with no shame. Yes, this will help me financially, but it will also illustrate an important lesson for my children, that an individual cannot do everything on their own, it is within a community that success happens.

Beliefs can be a powerful force. They are often the driving force that determines how a person will respond and react to stimuli. They motivate some to improve the well-being of self and the underserved, and unfortunately, they can also instigate oppression, control, and manipulation. In addition, beliefs are often the genesis of human behavior, invention, and scientific discovery. Our minds are so powerful, that beliefs, whether personal, cultural, or societal, often trump evidence and facts. Thus, I believe the process of deconstruction and unlearning is necessary before systemic or personal change can occur. To be clear, I am not arguing that all beliefs get in the way of understanding. Rather, I am arguing that beliefs should be challenged and reframed to fit the current understanding of the nature of the universe. But there is a paradox to this process, and it is this: in order to start deconstructing, there must be new information presented to us that triggers an internal desire to challenge our conditioning. This new information is often rooted in learning something about the nature of our universe and how it works. So, as we acquire a deeper understanding of the universe, opportunities for deconstruction increase exponentially. Gaining knowledge and the process of deconstruction often occur in conjunction. In essence one cannot exist without the other. It is imperative that deconstruction is recognized as a necessary component to understanding the nature of our universe because this understanding can do more than provide us with an understanding of how things function and how we relate to one another. Ultimately, understanding the nature of the universe can foster harmony among all species, break down oppressive systems, and help humanity move toward greater equity. The genesis of governments and systems are often constructed out of a belief system rather than out of scientific understanding. A modern-day example of this is racism. Racism is a social construct developed to keep people oppressed. Today, scientists agree that “the real meaning of race in American society has to do with social realities, quite distinct from physical variations in the human species” (Smedley, 1997, para. 1). While science and literature has brought light to this concept, human belief and understanding is not quick to accept this, and in fact, there is a growing denial that systemic racism even exists despite the facts and policies that one can point to. Thus, we have the scientific evidence, but our movement to change is sluggish and often stymied. Without deconstruction of beliefs, new understandings are not accepted and ultimately, societies find themselves in states of arrested development. I believe that our universe is deeply connected. I also understand that when people discuss the nature of our universe, either physics or religion is the foundational point of explanation. Thus, understanding the nature of the universe should not take a one-pronged approach, or the discoveries may prove to be moot because they will not be readily accepted. This is how powerful beliefs are. One is rooted in evidence and tested hypotheses, and one is rooted in belief, yet the one rooted in belief is virtually impenetrable. I would like to offer a different perspective, and that is, that understanding our universe requires entry points from many modalities: art, physics, mathematics, biology, literature, anthropology, history, and philosophy to name a few. The concept I will use to foster deconstruction of belief and a better understanding of the nature of our universe and how it works is through the study of mental health. As I pursue a degree in Mental Health Counseling, it is becoming more and more evident that unless our personal beliefs and neurological pathways can be interrupted, even if just for a moment, humans will continue to behave as they have been conditioned to behave. This is turn perpetuates beliefs. For some, the interruption may come from a new discovery found in physics, for others, it may be an emotion that arises when looking at a painting. In other words, the interruption in the neurological system can come from an array of avenues. Ultimately, It doesn’t matter what new knowledge was accumulated because as a species, we will not be receptive to it unless we know how to challenge our beliefs and deconstruct them. Without this skill and understanding, we will continue to live with confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance to make ourselves feel safe and secure. We will continue to perpetuate dangerous beliefs that harm others and self to confirm our beliefs are right. As previously mentioned, the paradox is that often new information has the potential to trigger a point of entry, yet before change can occur, unlearning needs to happen. Yes, understanding the nature of the universe, should be done by experts in many fields. But if the information about our beliefs are not deconstructed, it seems there will be contention when wanting to make systemic change that is more aligned with evidence-based information. Thus, the acceptance of this new information will be a key component is navigating change, and this cannot happen unless there is a grassroots effort in helping individuals explore their beliefs and assumptions. Knowledge about the nature of our universe and its acceptance will continue to cause contention unless the minds of individuals are softened, reframed, and self-awareness is practiced. And this is what I hope to do with my degree, be a mover in the deconstruction movement because without unlearning, there is no learning. Reference Smedley, A. (1997). RACE - The Power of an Illusion. Background Readings. PBS. https://www.pbs.org/race/000_About/002_04-background-02-09.htm

As a single mom, there are two techniques I use to help me reset when life gets overwhelming. The first technique I use to reset myself is to make sure I schedule some time to engage in outdoor physical activity. Before I started going to school, I was an active trail runner. I recognize now that I was able to be active because of my privilege. I had ample time to be in nature and run for hours every week. That privilege was quickly taken from me. Seemingly overnight, I was a single mom working two part-time jobs while going to school to pursue a career in mental health counseling. In essence, I no longer had time for the physical activities that kept my mental health in check. Not only did I find myself exhausted, but I was shaming myself for no longer being active. It didn’t take long to realize that I needed to schedule time to run in the mountains. Granted, my time spent trail running has decreased four-fold, but without it, it is difficult for me to reset when I’m overwhelmed. This is because when I trail run in nature, it is as though all the overwhelm I keep inside is purged. The beauty of being in the mountains keeps me in the present moment while the movement of my body allows pent-up emotions to flow and release. Even though I no longer spend hours on the trails, 20-30 minutes still does the trick. The second technique I use is connection – making time for connection with friends and family. Being a single mom often feels like being stretched so thin with my time and energy that I may eventually snap due to being overwhelmed. Sometimes, due to a lack of time, I put my support system on the back burner, but without it, I can quickly deflate into a state of overwhelm. When I am connected and am having deep conversations, I feel seen. Reaching out to my support system allows me to put school and work out of my mind while feeling love and support for others. It also allows me to feel valued and push through those overwhelming states more energized. That being said, these moments of connection are often little daily check-ins rather than lunch dates or extravagant dinners which don’t lead to deep conversations. But what the check-ins do for me is remind me that my support system is there, even if it is through a simple meme or emoji. Ultimately, if I begin to feel overwhelmed, I know that these techniques will alleviate some overwhelm and allow me to be more present for my own children. This is my ultimate value, to show my children that I am a strong independent woman who can cope with stressful situations while holding their hearts tenderly. By no means am I a perfect mom, but I am mindful of the fact that they are watching and learning how to navigate the world through my modeling. So, it is imperative that I continue to implement these techniques while continuing to look for other techniques that can help me manage stress and overwhelm.

Marriage to my ex-partner was the first time I have ever had to deal with an overt mental health crisis. I was in a marriage that was abusive emotionally and verbally and found myself self-harming and having suicidal ideation. But I was a strong independent woman and it was in my nature to “tough things out”, so rather than leaving (which I wasn’t mentally strong enough to do), I sank comfortably into a chronic survival state for the remaining 12 years of marriage. Due to being stuck in this state, I was unable to make decisions. I was literally and figuratively stuck. This eventually led me to therapy. It was my own experience with therapy that helped me reframe how I perceived my then-current situation. During this reframing, I looked at the story I had been telling myself since I was a child and began to deconstruct cultural, religious, and gender expectations. This led me to understand that my cultural upbringing was fraught with a “tough it out” component and was part of my core belief system. Throughout my entire life, I felt that this quality was a great strength, but in therapy, I developed a new perspective: sometimes “toughing it out” simply leads to more harm. This simple reframing felt life-altering and was the genesis of my desire to deconstruct other beliefs I deeply held. It was in this deconstruction that healing occurred. It felt as though every time I peeled back a layer of assumptions and beliefs, a light shined brightly on how those beliefs dictated my emotions and behaviors. Even though I am now a single mom of four boys scraping by to provide a better life for all of us, ultimately, this process gave me the strength to leave a toxic situation and liberated me. I now believe to my core that change and healing cannot occur without some deconstruction and unlearning. Not only did this new understanding set me on a course to become a mental health counselor, but I began to approach relationships differently. I began to understand that every human has a story, and in that story, there are beliefs and assumptions thrown upon people without choice, and that these beliefs and assumptions often cannot be helped. I began to understand the story that each human tells themselves is often bound to the context in which they lived, and if it causes pain, it should be deconstructed because the process of deconstruction creates awareness and we cannot change that which we are unaware. Because of this belief, I now hold humanity with empathy rather than simple judgment. I now have more compassion for those with whom I disagree, and many of my personal relationships have shifted from functioning on a surface level to developing a deeper connection. In essence, my personal experience with mental health has generated an element of genuine curiosity about individuals and their lives, thus leading to meaningful relationships. This newfound understanding had me so excited that I couldn’t wait to empower others to find their paths toward healing. Healing sounds simple, but it is often scary and requires someone with an outside perspective to point out the blind spots we often miss. And this is how I plan to make an impact on the world. Ultimately, I believe my purpose as a mental health counselor is to hold space for others’ pain, approach clients with genuine curiosity, and shine a light on the areas that may need to be deconstructed and unlearned so that growth and healing can occur.

The decision to go back to school is the result of 45 years of lived experiences. And yet, my decision to become a mental health counselor was a bit impulsive and came with a sense of urgency. So, the answer to the question: how has my experience with mental health influenced my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations, lies within the narrative of my lived experiences. To begin, When I was in my early 20’s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I didn’t necessarily do this because the desire to serve resided deeply in my soul. Yes, the opportunity to serve did attract me, but so did traveling abroad, meeting new people, and uprooting myself from my mundane life to shake it up a bit. What I didn’t realize is how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. I realized, that people, no matter where they come from or what their culture is, just want to find joy. After I returned from Ecuador, I was pursuing a degree in graphic design, but something no longer felt in harmony with my new awareness. So, I began taking upper-division courses in social work and literature. Because of the healing power I found hidden in poetry and novels, I settled on pursuing literature and obtained my degree in English. A deep study of literature has cultivated a more empathetic outlook on the human condition and its nuances and complications. Literature and volunteering changed my relationships with people. I went from not noticing others, to having a genuine curiosity about others’ stories. Shortly after graduating with my Master's in English, I took a decade off to raise a family. Over time I came to understand that while literature and rhetoric are often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly in a culture, society, family, or individual, it’s sometimes not enough. And while I have found personal healing in the written word and nature, I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I realized I wanted to have a direct role in that “something more.” I believe therapy can be that something more because one primary purpose of therapy is to hold a mirror up to our own pain so we can confront it and heal. While serving in Ecuador and finding healing power in the written word helped cultivate my desire to pursue a degree in mental health counseling, there is a shadow side to my lived experience that is perhaps the impulsive factor to my decision. In conjunction with raising four boys and continuing to self-educate in literature with the hopes to go back to school, my partnership was not a healthy one. I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state causing complex trauma. Even though at the time I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, I wound up being small and powerless. I self-harmed and thought often of suicide. I was becoming more and more isolated and because I was in a state of survival, I was not capable of responding in a healthy way and I couldn’t get out because I was too busy surviving. Over time, I had four boys and as I witnessed them navigate through some of the horrific verbal storms that were riddled with humiliation brought on by my ex-partner, I began creating escape plans for my children and I, and yet, I couldn’t pull the plug. I was stuck in a world of mental health struggles. Admittedly I was coerced into going to couples therapy with my ex-partner. His motivation was to illustrate to me that I was the problem because my survival instincts had created impenetrable walls of indifference. It was in those walls that I felt safe. In short, these therapy sessions saved me. Not because they saved my marriage, but because they helped me get out of an emotionally harmful one by validating my experience shining light on my thinking errors. I found myself finally escaping a situation that caused 15 years of suffering to me and my children. I finally did it. And it was the scariest thing I have ever done because I had no career, I hadn’t worked for over 12 years, in essence, I wasn’t sure how I would survive financially. And this is where my narrative becomes full circle. In looking back at my life, I can see that Ecuador, world travel (I did a lot of that in my 20’s) and immersing myself into other cultures, literature, and my years of suffering were a culmination of events that helped me realize, I want to become a mental health counselor. As soon as I had this thought it was as if a light bulb in my soul turned on. I knew it was what I needed to do. Not only did I feel in alignment with body and soul, but I knew it was a career that would help me provide for my children, financially, yes, but also spiritually and mentally. My lived experience has taught me that once individuals begin to evaluate their conditionings, once they feel completely seen and vulnerable, clarity can begin to arise and external situations may begin to shift in a healthier way. But if we are stuck in the dark, and there is no one there to cast a light on these emotions and thoughts, we struggle. I want to shine that light and hold space for others to feel seen and heard. Ultimately, the desire to hold this space has impacted every aspect of my life because my desire is greater than that. It is a deeply held value I hold, that all people deserve to be seen with compassionate curiosity.

When I was in my early 20’s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I didn’t necessarily do this because the desire to serve resided deeply in my soul. Yes, the opportunity to serve did attract me, but so did traveling abroad, meeting new people, and uprooting myself from my mundane life to shake it up a bit. What I didn’t realize is how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. I realized, that people, no matter where they come from or what their culture is, just want to find joy. This experience was the genesis of my interest in having a career in something that could help influence people to also have an internal shift. After I returned from Ecuador, I was pursuing a degree in graphic design, but something no longer felt in harmony with my new awareness. So, I began taking upper-division courses in social work and literature. Because of the healing power I found hidden in poetry and novels, I settled on pursuing literature and obtained my degree in English. A deep study of literature has cultivated a more empathetic outlook on the human condition and its nuances and complications. Ultimately, my goal was to obtain my PhD and teach literature so others could also find these gems of healing in the written word. However, shortly after graduating with my Master's in English, I took a decade off to raise a family. During this time, I continued reading philosophy and literature, but found myself gravitating towards books and novels dealing with mental health, emotions, and our relationship between thoughts and emotions. I believe all literature, even novels rooted in fantasy or sci-fi, contain truthful commentary about the human condition which in turn can lead to introspection, empathy, and awareness. While literature and rhetoric are often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly in a culture, society, family, or individual, I believe one primary purpose of therapy is to hold a mirror up to our own pain so we can confront it and heal. And while I have found personal healing in the written word and nature, I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I realized I wanted to have a direct role in that “something more.” Retrospect is a gift. I am now a single mom of four boys pursuing a degree in Mental Health Counseling because there are a few truths I have learned when looking back at my survival self. First, no one comes out unscathed from the suffering that often accompanies the human experience. And second, there are so many people in the world suffering alone and in silence, and they don’t have to be. I see this and I know this and I want to be someone who holds space for those suffering. While mental health counseling may not be considered medical by some, offering mental health support will not only heal people emotionally, but it will also help heal them physically due to the convoluted connection mental health has to physical health. Hopefully, our future understanding of mental health can eventually be viewed as a medical necessity.

When I was in my early 20s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I didn’t necessarily do this because the desire to serve resided deeply in my soul. Yes, the opportunity to serve did attract me, but so did traveling abroad, meeting new people, and uprooting myself from my mundane life to shake it up a bit. What I didn’t realize is how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. I realized, that people, no matter where they come from or what their culture is, just want to find joy. This experience heavily influenced my core values and was the genesis of my interest in having a career in something that could help influence people to have a similar internal shift. During the time I volunteered in Ecuador, I was also pursuing a degree in graphic design, but when I returned, something no longer felt in harmony with my new awareness. In retrospect, I developed new core values during my time in Ecuador. Volunteering provided me with the opportunity to step outside of my own ego. Rather than wanting financial success and endless amounts of friendships, my values shifted to compassion, courage, and respect. Graphic design was out of harmony with my new perspective. So, I began taking upper-division courses in social work and literature but found myself gravitating towards books and novels because I discovered empathy and healing in the written word. Shortly after I graduated with a degree in literature, I became a stay-at-home mom for 11 years. I continued to study literature and philosophy during this time, but it was my time as a mother that solidified my new core values, and perhaps even shifted them slightly. Motherhood also made me realize that while all literature, even novels rooted in fantasy or sci-fi, contain truthful commentary about the human condition which in turn can lead to introspection, empathy, and awareness, our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I realized I wanted to have a direct role in that “something more.” And this realization is what has led me to pursue a degree in mental health counseling. I believe that all humans should know what it is to receive compassion and respect. All humans are deserving of someone to hold space with them while they are in pain or struggling to heal from something. It was in Ecuador that I first saw the healing power that occurs when someone feels truly seen. I saw children who were stagnant in development skyrocket off the charts. I saw teary eyes dry up and get replaced with smiles. I witnessed courage and confidence in children as they were truly seen by the volunteers. But motherhood is where I gained clarity about my values. Ultimately my values have evolved into what I believe is the most significant value of all, and that is to truly see and hear others. This is the value that has evolved out of my volunteer experience and it is the value that has influenced me to become a mental health counselor.

Becoming intimate with our own mental health is scary and difficult, but if nurtured properly, there can be a healing effect that will trickle down into all aspects of life. As I dealt with my own mental health, I began to deconstruct my own personal narrative. This led to deep healing, which in turn, ultimately influenced my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations. Marriage to my ex-partner was the first time I have ever had to deal with an overt mental health crisis. I was in a marriage that was abusive emotionally and verbally and found myself self-harming and having suicidal ideation. But I was a strong independent woman and it was in my nature to never give up on anything, so rather than leaving (which I wasn’t mentally strong enough to do), I sank comfortably into a chronic survival state of frozen for the remaining 12 years of marriage. This eventually led me to therapy. It was my own experience with therapy that helped me reframe how I perceived my then-current situation. The process of reframing led me to understand that my cultural upbringing was fraught with a “tough it out” component and was part of my core belief system. Throughout my entire life, I felt that this quality was a great strength, but in therapy, I developed a new perspective: sometimes “toughing it out” simply leads to more harm. This simple reframing felt life-altering because it was in this deconstruction that healing occurred. From that moment on, every time I peeled back a layer of assumptions and beliefs, a light shined brightly on how those beliefs dictated my emotions and behaviors. Ultimately, deconstruction saved me. I now believe to my core that change and healing cannot occur without some deconstruction and unlearning. Not only did this new understanding set me on a course to become a mental health counselor, but I began to approach relationships differently. I began to understand that every human has a story, and in that story, there are beliefs and assumptions thrown upon people without choice, and that these beliefs and assumptions often cannot be helped. I began to understand the story that each human tells themselves is often bound to the context in which they lived, and if it causes pain, it should be deconstructed because the process of deconstruction creates awareness and we cannot change that which we are unaware. Because of this belief, I now hold humanity with empathy rather than simple judgment. I now have more compassion for those with whom I disagree, and many of my personal relationships have shifted from functioning on a surface level to developing a deeper connection. In essence, my personal experience with mental health has generated an element of genuine curiosity about individuals and their lives, thus leading to meaningful relationships. This newfound understanding had me so excited that I couldn’t wait to help others deconstruct their own narratives. I found that pursuing a career in mental health counseling with a focus on narrative and existential theories would be a perfect fit for my newly held belief. While deconstruction sounds simple, it is often scary and requires someone with an outside perspective to point out the blind spots we often miss. Ultimately, I believe my purpose as a mental health counselor is to hold space for others’ pain, approach clients with genuine curiosity, and shine a light on the areas that may need to be deconstructed and unlearned so that growth and healing can occur.

I believe all literature, even novels rooted in fantasy or sci-fi, contain truthful commentary about the human condition, which in turn can lead to introspection, empathy, and awareness. Often, the opportunity for small perspective shifts comes whenever a person picks up a book or a poem or an essay. These small perspective shifts can shine a light on areas of our own cultural conditioning that often go unnoticed. While many novels instigate “perspective shifts” on many micro levels, I believe This is Water, a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace, should be carried in the back pocket of all human beings because Foster’s words introduce the reader to the concept that humans default mode is to live in their own ego-centric universe, and without consciously choosing what to pay attention to, we will get bogged down and frustrated by the mundane petty tasks of living because we believe that every moment has to do with us. Foster argues we need to be aware that we actually have a choice to think beyond ourselves, but this takes practice and work. Foster does this by telling relatable stories about mundane moments such as traffic and grocery lines. He then takes that story and offers a retelling of the circumstance that forces the reader to consider other’s perspectives, “or that the Hummer that just cut me off is maybe being driven by a father whose little child is hurt or sick in the seat next to him, and he’s trying to get this kid to the hospital, and he’s in a bigger, more legitimate hurry than I am: it is actually I who am in HIS way.” In a nutshell, Foster argues that we need to choose to think differently. We need to choose to consider others. We need to choose to live a more compassionate life because our default mode is to live a selfish one. It is a powerful, motivational speech that has the power to shift perspectives in an introspective way.

I grew up in the 80s in a small town in Idaho, and from a young age began to push the boundaries that boxed in women's behaviors and ambitions. I played sports, worked construction with my father in the summers, and was the first of my generation to attend college. I felt empowered, that I could do anything, stand up to anyone. I didn’t mind change and challenge. I left the comforts of my home to do volunteer work in orphanages in Ecuador, did a study abroad in Chile, and received a degree in English Literature. Now, I’m pursuing a degree in mental health counseling. While serving in Ecuador and finding healing power in the written word helped cultivate my desire to pursue a degree in mental health counseling, there is a shadow side to my lived experience that is perhaps the most prominent inspirational factor in my decision to become a mental health counselor. My partnership was not a healthy one. I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state. Even though at the time I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, I wound up being small and powerless. I was blindsided and flailing as I tried to navigate the unseen abuses that were verbal. I self-harmed and thought often of death, yet I pursued living in this environment because when a girl in the 80s grows up in a small town in Idaho, it is her duty to tough it out. I was becoming more and more isolated and because I was in a state of survival, I was not capable of responding in a healthy way. Externally I wore a mask of contentment while experiencing nothing but internal turmoil. Throughout this time, I had four boys and as I witnessed them navigate through some of the horrific verbal storms that were brought on by my ex-partner, I began creating escape plans for me and my children. Yet, I couldn’t pull the plug. I was stuck in a world of mental health struggles. It was in therapy that I was able to work through the fears that were keeping me stuck; the primary fears being unsure how I would survive financially and how my children would endure such a change. Even though I had my degree, I was a stay-at-home mom and my partner was not willing to support me in a career. I was 15 years out of the workforce and terrified. In short, these therapy sessions saved me. Not because they saved my marriage, but because they helped me get out of an emotionally harmful one. Currently, I am the single mom of four boys living in a paradoxical world of liberation and economic survival. To put it simply, these scholarship funds will not just help me minimize my debt, they will alleviate the stresses that come with being a single mom who is working two part-time jobs and going to school. What these funds offer is peace, gratitude, more presence in my children's lives, and time for self-care as I push through these educational years. My ultimate goal is to create affordable nature/adventure grief retreats for adults. Currently, wilderness retreats are mostly offered to adolescents at an extremely high price. I want to be good at what I do which means that after graduation I will need continuing education in grief and adventure therapy. These funds will help me attain this goal more quickly. Ultimately, this scholarship would offer relief and opportunity, a ripple effect that will trickle down and heal others.

When most people think about making a positive impact, they offer up actions rooted in grand schemes, grassroots plans, or societal goals. While these can be effective and are not negative offerings, my perspective on how to make a positive impact is less external. I believe that in order to make a positive impact as a mental health counselor, I need to take internal actions rooted in cultivating a deep awareness about myself and others. First, cultivating awareness of self seems like a simple thing, but I believe attaining true personal awareness is difficult. First of all, attaining awareness of self requires that we see and understand not only the good qualities but that we see the shadow side of ourselves. Once the shadow side has been uncovered, rather than avoiding or pushing away what may be deemed negative aspects of self, we need to face them in order to understand them. Understanding my weaknesses, triggers, and vulnerabilities will ultimately help me hold space for others as I offer mental health counseling. If I do not know myself, it would be easy for any counseling session to turn personal, thus imposing on the therapeutic experience for the client. If this interference occurs, the therapeutic process is hindered, and healing cannot happen, thus imposing on any positive impact occurring. In addition to cultivating an awareness of self, I think it is extremely important to have an awareness of others. In essence, I believe in order to have a positive impact on a client, I need to put in the effort to understand the culture and background from which the client comes. This means I need to do the work to understand the different experiences that can arise due to sexuality, gender, race, religion, socioeconomic status, and privilege. A lot of this work will not only require deep listening and study, but it will also require an unlearning of what my personal narrative and context have taught me. In essence, awareness of self and others are two sides of the same coin. It is in this understanding that I will be able to allow my clients to be seen, which can enrich the therapeutic process and cultivate true healing. I understand that these do not seem grand, but it is my experience that true change happens one healing moment at a time. These moments have a ripple effect on a person which then ripple out into relationships, families, and eventually societies. The simplicity of these actions, I believe, will have grand results.

Inspiration is a funny thing. Sometimes, it can come in the form of a sonorous boom. Other times, it can be a soft whisper that can go unnoticed if one is not paying attention. For me, it was neither; it was found in the culmination of experiences and in the paradox of life. The answer to the question: what inspired me to get my master's degree in counseling, lies somewhere within my personal narrative of 45 years of lived experiences. To begin, when I was in my early 20s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I did not necessarily do this because the desire to serve resided deeply in my soul. Yes, the opportunity to serve did attract me, but so did traveling abroad, meeting new people, and uprooting myself from my mundane life to shake it up a bit. What I did not realize is how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. I realized, that people, no matter where they come from or what their culture is, just want to find joy. I realized that I wanted to help inspire people to find this joy. This experience was the genesis of my interest in having a career in something that could help influence people to also have an internal shift that would lead to healing. In essence, my experience working with the underserved in Ecuador was the first nudge that inspired me to become a mental health counselor. During this time, I was also pursuing a degree in graphic design, but when I returned from Ecuador, something no longer felt in harmony with my new awareness. So, I began taking upper-division courses in social work and literature to explore other options. Both felt in alignment with my new perspective, but because of the healing power I found hidden in poetry and novels, I settled on pursuing literature and obtained my degree in English. A deep study of literature has cultivated a more empathetic outlook on the human condition and its nuances and complications. I do believe literature and mental health counseling are two sides of the same coin. They both dissect, evaluate, and study humanity. Ultimately, my goal was to obtain my Ph.D. and teach literature so others could also find these gems of healing in the written word. When I contemplate this season of my life, I can clearly see that exploring the emotions and human experience through the written word also fed my desire to ultimately become a mental health counselor. I found that literature and rhetoric are often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly of a culture, society, family, or individual. Thus, literature expanded my perspective and human understanding which was initially brought to my awareness while in Ecuador. While serving in Ecuador and finding healing power in the written word helped cultivate my desire to pursue a degree in mental health counseling, there is a shadow side to my lived experience that is perhaps the most prominent inspirational factor in my decision to become a mental health counselor. My partnership was not a healthy one. I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state. Even though at the time I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, I wound up being small and powerless. I self-harmed and thought often of death, yet I pursued living in this environment because I thought I was strong enough to tough it out so giving up was a shameful thought. I was becoming more and more isolated and because I was in a state of survival, I was not capable of responding in a healthy way because I was too busy surviving. I wore a mask of contentment while experiencing nothing but internal turmoil. Throughout this time, I had four boys and as I witnessed them navigate through some of the horrific verbal storms that were brought on by my ex-partner, I began creating escape plans for me and my children. Yet, I could not pull the plug. I was stuck in a world of mental health struggles. It was in therapy that I was able to work through the fears that were keeping me stuck; the primary fears being unsure how I would survive financially and how my children would endure such a change. In short, these therapy sessions saved me. Not because they saved my marriage, but because they helped me get out of an emotionally harmful one. During these 15 years of survival, I continued reading philosophy and literature hoping to eventually attain a Ph.D. in literature, but found myself gravitating towards books and novels dealing with mental health, emotions, and the brain's relationship between thoughts and emotions. I became extremely interested in the psyche and I was constantly listening to podcasts and reading books rooted in neuroscience, psychology, spirituality, and human behavior. I expanded my knowledge about how the context of our lives influences our behaviors and decisions. I began to study diversity, feminism, socio-economics, and history. In essence, I became completely fascinated with all of life and how it shapes who we are. And while previously, I had found personal healing in the written word and nature, I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more because experience is complex. I realized I wanted to have a direct role in that “something more.” In looking back at my life, I can see how experiences such as Ecuador, studying literature, therapy, and my years of suffering were a culmination of events that helped me attain a desire to help others heal. And this is where the inspiration and urgent factor to become a mental health counselor comes in. I had a perspective shift when I served in Ecuador. I found healing in literature. And I found myself finally escaping a situation that caused 15 years of suffering for me and my children. Shortly after my divorce, I felt as though I finally had space to move and make a choice without worrying about pushback and fallout. It was both liberating and terrifying. I decided to apply to a couple of Ph.D. programs in English to start where I left off, but something felt off. And while pursueing literature didn't insult me, the quote "dismiss that which insults your soul" by Walt Whitman continued to pop into my head and so I began to soften to the idea of alternative pursuits. Then, one morning I was sitting on my porch, drinking my coffee, and the word “therapist” crept into my mind. It felt as though peace filtered throughout my mind and body. I began to research therapy and found that there are theoretical frameworks called narrative therapy and bibleotherapy which are rooted in stories and words. It was as if my two passions had collided. I immediately knew that the fabric of my life had led me to this point, the point where I would pursue a degree in mental health counseling. It would feed my desire to serve and give back. It would help me attain financial stability for myself and my family. It would satisfy my desire to understand and learn about the human condition and its complexities. And if becoming a therapist would not check these boxes, it is something I would still pursue because when I made the decision, I felt aligned. In essence, what inspired me to become a mental health counselor was not one moment. It was not one person or one event. It was the culmination of my life, both the wonderful aspects and the aspects rooted in suffering, both the people who I love and the people who brought pain, both the written word and the spoken word. It was all of it. Retrospect is often considered a gift and in my case, it has been a minor miracle. It is a miracle because it has helped me develop trust in the therapeutic process. This in turn, motivates me to put in the work and become the best therapist I can be. I believe deeply that therapy can help others and that it works, and so though the subject fascinates me, ultimately, I trust the process which I believe will help me push through those difficult moments. Just as my therapist did for me, I believe my role is to hold space for others so they have the freedom to explore their own stories without judgment, and I don't believe that I would understand this without the inspirational experiences that led me to study mental health counseling. So while holding space isn't directly tied to the question of inspiration, I believe that inspiration cultivates this understanding and cannot be separate from the question at hand.

As with many people in their 40s, big life changes occur because of accumulated experiences. To begin, When I was in my early 20s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I didn’t realize how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. This experience was the genesis of my interest in having a career in something that could help influence people to also have an internal shift. At the time of serving in Ecuador, I was pursuing a degree in graphic design, but it felt “off.” I took a course in literature to fulfill an elective requirement and found deep healing power in poetry and novels. Thus, I shifted course and pursued a degree in literature. Ultimately, my goal was to obtain my Ph.D. and teach literature so others could also find these gems of healing in the written word. While literature and rhetoric are often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly in a culture, society, family, or individual, I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I understand this because there is a shadow side to my lived experience that is also a factor in my decision to pursue a degree in mental health counseling. My partnership was not a healthy one. I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state. Even though at the time I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, I wound up being small and powerless. I began creating escape plans but could never pull the plug. I was stuck navigating a world of mental health struggles without proper tools. After going to couples therapy, I found myself finally escaping a situation that caused 15 years of suffering. She helped me work through my fears and delusions that were keeping me in that relationship. It was the scariest thing I have ever done because I had four boys, no career, and I hadn’t worked for over 12 years. In essence, I wasn’t sure how I would survive financially. And this is where my narrative becomes full circle. In looking back at my life, I could see that playing sports, Ecuador, world travel (I did a lot of that in my 20’s), literature, therapy, and my years of suffering were a culmination of events that helped me realize rather than pursuing a Ph.D. in literature, I needed to become a mental health counselor. To put it simply, these scholarship funds will not just help me minimize my debt. They will alleviate the stresses that come with being a single mom working two part-time jobs and going to school. What these funds offer is peace, gratitude, more presence in my children's lives, and time for self-care as I push through these educational years. Ultimately, they offer great relief. I believe focusing on the mind, body, and soul is the only way to truly heal the whole self. I live in Utah where nature and recreation are at the heart of healing. Ultimately, my goal is to offer affordable local wilderness therapy retreats for adults which will incorporate awareness of the body during activities such as hiking, tree bathing, etc.; awareness of mind through therapy and meditation; and awareness of the soul through our connection with nature, meditation, yoga, and breathwork.

My passion to become a mental health counselor was molded out of 45 years of lived experiences. To begin, when I was in my early 20s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. Yes, the opportunity to serve did attract me, but my primary motivations were to travel abroad, meet new people, and uproot myself from my mundane life. What I didn’t realize is how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted, and this experience became the genesis of my interest in doing something that could help others navigate a similar internal shift. During this time, I was pursuing a degree in graphic design, but this no longer felt in harmony with my new perspective. I began to explore and took a literature course. Here, I discovered the healing power of words. My life took another pivot and I pursued a degree in English Literature. This deep study of literature cultivated a more empathetic outlook on life. I believe all literature, even novels rooted in fantasy or sci-fi, contain truthful commentary about the human condition, which in turn can lead to introspection, empathy, and awareness. Ultimately, my goal was to obtain my Ph.D. and teach literature so others could also find these gems of healing in the written word. While serving in Ecuador and finding healing power in literature were integral in cultivating my passion for mental health counseling, there is a shadow side to my lived experience that solidified my passion. Also in my 20s, I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state for 15 years. I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, and somehow, I wound up being small and powerless. I believed I could tough out my situation and so I continued to live as though nothing was wrong even though I was experiencing thoughts of death and self-harm. Over time, I had four boys and as I witnessed them navigate through some of the horrific verbal storms brought on by my ex-partner, I began creating escape plans for me and my children, and still, I couldn’t pull the plug, I needed help. It was in therapy that I was able to work through the fears that were keeping me stuck. I wasn’t sure how I would survive financially or how my children would endure such a change. In looking back at my life, I can see how experiences such as Ecuador, studying literature, therapy, and my years of suffering were a culmination of events that helped me attain a desire to help others heal. While literature and rhetoric are often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly in a culture, society, family, or individual, I believe one primary purpose of therapy is to hold a mirror up to our own pain so we can confront it and heal. I realized that rather than pursuing a Ph.D. in literature post-divorce, my passion had shifted to becoming a mental health counselor. I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I realized I wanted to have a direct role in that “something more.” As soon as I made this decision, I felt that my external pursuits were finally in alignment with my internal passions. And so, as a single mom of four boys, I’m working part-time jobs and attending Westminster University to fulfill this passion.

As with many people in their 40s, life decisions happen because of accumulated experiences. When I was in my early 20s, I had the opportunity to volunteer for nine months in orphanages in Ecuador. I didn’t realize how impactful this experience would be in my small world. During this time, my heart and perspective on life shifted. This experience was the genesis of my interest in having a career in something that could help influence people to also have an internal shift. At the time of serving in Ecuador, I was pursuing a degree in graphic design, but that now felt off. I took a course in literature to fulfill an elective requirement and found deep healing power in poetry and novels. Thus, I shifted course and pursued a degree in literature. Ultimately, my goal was to teach literature so others could also find these gems of healing in the written word. While literature is often used as a tool to hold up a mirror to the problematic underbelly of a culture or individual, I now understand that our self-healing techniques often need to be coupled with something more, especially when dealing with trauma, addiction, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I understand this because there is a shadow side to my lived experience that is also a factor in my decision to pursue a degree in mental health counseling. My partnership was not a healthy one. I found myself in a marriage that caused me to live in a chronic survival state. Even though at the time I believed myself to be a very strong, independent woman, I wound up being small and powerless. I began creating escape plans but could never pull the plug. I was stuck navigating a world of mental health struggles without proper tools. After going to couples therapy, I found myself finally escaping a situation that caused 15 years of suffering. She helped me work through my fears and delusions that were keeping me in that relationship. It was the scariest thing I have ever done because I had four boys, no career, and I hadn’t worked for over 12 years. In essence, I wasn’t sure how I would survive financially. And this is where my narrative becomes full circle. In looking back at my life, I could see that playing sports, Ecuador, world travel (I did a lot of that in my 20s), literature, therapy, and my years of suffering were a culmination of events that helped me realize rather than pursuing a Ph.D. in literature, I needed to become a mental health counselor. To put it simply, these scholarship funds will not just help me minimize my debt. They will alleviate the stresses that come with being a single mom working two part-time jobs and going to school. What these funds offer is peace, gratitude, more presence in my children's lives, and time for self-care as I push through these educational years. Ultimately, they offer great relief. I believe that therapy is deep soul work, and though I may not use those terms with all clients, I believe focusing on the mind, body, and soul is the only way to truly heal the whole self. I live in Utah where nature and recreation are at the heart of healing. Ultimately, my goal is to offer affordable local wilderness therapy retreats for adults which will incorporate awareness of the body during activities such as hiking, tree bathing, etc.; awareness of mind through therapy and meditation; and awareness of the soul through our connection with nature, meditation, yoga, and breathwork.