Freshman year was a year of many mistakes. While that sounds like a normal experience, not everyone loses friends, leadership positions, job opportunities, or relationships with family members because of an innocent teenage fumble. My biggest mistake? I came out in a small conservative community in rural Wisconsin, a recipe for disaster that I didn't quite read the directions for.
Since then, not one of my classmates has looked at me the same way. I used to be on WEB (student council) in middle school, and a leader of many clubs, but that was no longer available as those were voted on by students. I was a model student until I was othered. Along with that, my bosses seemed less friendly when they knew about what they called my "situation." One of my bosses actually outed me to my parents when I stopped working with them, causing a few problems at home and with other family members. Even my closest aunt, who helped my parents raise me, was against "people like me." Before she died, I asked if I could leave her house to go to an event in the Twin Cities. She sighed, as if she were already sick, and told me, "It better not be one of those pride parades, or you can forget me as your aunt." I never ended up going to that parade.
While coming out has caused a significant amount of problems in my life, it isn't the only part of me that sets me apart from my peers. I was recently diagnosed with a debilitating condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which is caused by the body’s inability to make or use collagen effectively, causing my joints to be unstable and movement to be painful. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome also comes with many co-morbidities that I may have but have not been diagnosed with yet, such as gastroparesis, POTS, ME/CFS, endometriosis, etc. EDS is often associated with mental health disorders as well, which could explain why I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and ADHD my whole life. The chronic pain and other symptoms cause me to struggle with day-to-day life, but the worst part is that nobody believes me, as it is an invisible disability. Since I do not "look" disabled, clearly I can't be, right?
But I've found solace in writing. Whether it be journal entries to write down my feelings, poetry to make those feelings beautiful, or just short stories to pass the time, I've been able to ground myself with my writing. I wish I could remember when I first picked up a pen, but I don't. Instead, I remember what I've created: soliloquies from the heart, stories of girls who don't exist, poems about girls who do. Writing is not just a coping mechanism anymore; it is a skill.
I want to use my writing to lift up others who have been where I stood. Along with that, I believe it is important to tell the stories of people who are struggling more than we ever would ourselves, so that we can raise awareness of the difficulties they face and give them a chance at a better life.
When there's something wrong, with me or with the things around me, I pick up a pen. Maybe, someday, my words will fix the world.