At the beginning of high school, my mom noticed the life once in me was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t handle or express my emotions. I had to let go of them with streams of tears. She wanted me to get better, so she suggested I see a counselor. I was hesitant, believing I could deal with everything by myself. I remember walking up to her room and listening to her pray I get better. My nightly prayers consisted of me begging God to save me from my tormented mind and ended with tears pouring down my face so often it felt like a chronic disease, so I finally accepted the help I needed.
In therapy, I told the counselor about what I thought the root of my problems was. My distrust came from people leaving me. My once beloved friends were no longer in my life, even though I trusted them with my defects. I trusted with ease and saw the good in people, and I believed vulnerability was a weakness I had to control. The scars left by the words others speak are much deeper than those left by their hands. I created a mental barrier between my thoughts and the words I spoke. I distanced myself from people and never expressed unshielded emotions. "Life is a train where sometimes people board it and don’t get off until the end. Sometimes their unexpected stop requires them to leave," my counselor said. God gives us a purpose in everybody’s life, whether it’s good or bad, we all deliver lessons to others. Our memories remain with the wisdom given through these relationships. I learned to be grateful for everybody and unapologetic about my emotions.
When quarantine started, my counseling appointments came to an end. I began to feel the lightness my heart deeply ached for. I decided to do more than lament my situation. While I searched for answers in my mind and my heart, I found them through my body. I got up, got my dusty mat, and my dumbbells, and started moving. I saw strength in the word of God, and I knew God wanted me to progress even if I didn’t know what was to come. I had to take a leap of faith for my good. As I pushed my body for more, I saw my pain evolve into strength. Every drop of sweat meant I was becoming stronger. I acknowledged my limits and pushed them. As I pushed my physical limits I began to push my mental and emotional limits. Understanding why I went through what I went through helped me realize I survived. I look back at the beginning of high school, a place of desolation and pursuit of a better life.
Now, my once-believed weaknesses shape who I am. I know vulnerability comes from strength, and it takes courage to be vulnerable. I appreciate the resilience I have found within me. I see the reflection of my physical strength in my ability to push through. I never gave up on my family, God, and myself. My loved ones noticed a change in me, a glow that helped me persevere. The effort to exercise turned into the discovery of my strength and perseverance. I believed my life lacked love because of my depression. One thing desolation never took over, though, was the essence of my soul. I am yet to find all the answers in life, but with the resilience I have, the vulnerability I embrace, and the strength I grow, I know I can get through anything.