There was a point in my life where I felt my only self worth came from the sport I was in. I was a competitive figure skater from the age of six to eighteen. All I wanted was to achieve something after my mom invested so much time and money into the sport. During my junior year of high school I thought about quitting, but instead I decided to set goals for me to make it to the Excel National Festival. I worked extremely hard and eventually my work did pay off because I qualified. Once I qualified I wanted to win, and I worked even harder. Unfortunately I did not win, but I did get second place overall in my level, which is amazing. Even with all this hard work I felt empty. As an athlete you are made to believe winning is everything. Even though I medaled in every event I competed in that year, I was mentally losing. I developed two eating disorders. The first one I developed was atypical anorexia. This eating disorder is easy to miss because it is the same as anorexia, but not as evident, because when I had it I was over weight and lost a significant about of weight in a short period of time by starving myself and dehydrating myself to be thin enough for my coaches and judges. The other eating disorder I developed was binge eating disorder. After starving myself for long periods of time I would binge if I ate one thing that did not align with my diet and punish myself. The worst thing is I thought this was normal. Starving yourself was celebrated and proved how serious you were as an athlete, and showed that you were disciplined. During the summer after my win I hit a major road block and was mentally and physically drained. I felt I would never be enough in the figure skating community. I was never going to be white, or skinny. My features were too ethnic, and I was tired of having to prove myself every day. One day I had enough. I left my apartment and ran out into traffic hoping a car would hit me. They did not. At the time I was furious, but now I am grateful. It was not until I sat down with my mom and told her what I was going through and why I needed to stop skating that I was able to start healing. I was able to start being honest with my therapist and started to see the world was so much bigger than calorie counting or medals. I also sought out psychiatric help and went on medication for clinical depression. At first I was opposed to medication, until I talked to my friend who told me that if there was something wrong with my heart I would not allow it to go untreated. She was right. If there is one thing I have learned from everything I've been through, it is that you can find a way out. You don't need to go through things alone, or just allow yourself to not be okay. There are resources, and every negative struggle is temporary.

Growing up I've always had a warped perception of what actual true friendship is. My mom never truly had consistent friends, and now that I'm older I can say she was not the best friend. Friendships that she had kept were not healthy. As my mother was my example, many of my friendships started to look liker hers. It wasn't until my freshman year of college did I learn how to be a friend and what friends I wanted in my circle. No longer did my friendships feel one sided or competitive. My friendships had healthy boundaries and communication. Not only was I happier in my friendships, but my friends taught me how to grow as an individual. Friendship is so much more than aesthetic pictures, pedigree, and looks. It is about give and take. If you are not gaining anything from a friendship, or not bringing something to the table yourself, it is not true friendship. Friends are chosen family. In a way they can be even more important because you made the choice to care about each other. There is nothing more beautiful and fulfilling in life.