My freshman year of high school is when I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety, but it felt normal, something everyone experiences. It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I began to understand that what I was feeling and experiencing was not normal. I had no clue that I would struggle the way I did when I began seeking help. In many ways, my mental illness has debilitated me and kept me from living a healthy, normal life, but in so many more ways, it has created spaces for me to help others who are experiencing the same thing. If we want to talk about weaknesses, I have many. I think we all do. Depression is a funny thing; it takes those weaknesses and heightens them, making the struggle to overcome them much more challenging. For example, one of my weaknesses is low self-esteem. Depression has influenced my low self-esteem to extreme lows, where my negative beliefs about myself became an absolute truth. I'm a failure. No one likes me. I'd be better off dead. No one would miss me if I was gone. I'm fat. Reading those statements I still make about myself is extremely sad. My beliefs of myself, my identity, my purpose, all have been affected by my mental illness. And I have the power to change that narrative from negative to positive if I choose, but it's difficult. I am still working on correcting the negative beliefs I have about myself and one day hope to say that my experience with mental health has positively influenced my beliefs about myself, my identity, and my purpose. In 2018, I was officially diagnosed with Dysthymia, a chronic depression, and Generalized Anxiety. As of July 17, 2022, added on to those diagnoses are: Somatic Symptom Disorder (specifically Hypochondria) and Obsessive Compulsion Behavior. Each of those diagnoses affects the way I interact with my family, friends, and peers. I've had two experiences with the ways mental illness has influenced my relationships- for the better and for the worst. I've lost romantic relationships either because mental health was something they did not understand or care to understand, or because my own mental health got in the way of the relationship. I've lost friendships because I pushed people away out of a negative response to my sadness and anxiety. My relationship with my parents have suffered because I didn't feel that I could be honest with them. My mother and I have had a hard time understanding each other throughout the years. My senior year of high school I began to self-harm and experience suicidal ideations and plans of actions. My mom really had no clue how to deal with that so she just became frustrated with me or blew it off like nothing happened. It doesn't feel too good when for the longest time, when you really needed someone, especially a parent, you couldn't go to them for emotional support. It was incredibly lonely. However, this is where the "for better" comes in. The amount of people I've been able to mentor or be a source of support and comfort because of my experience is unreal. Younger girls have trusted me with their baggage and hurt, and if I hadn't gone through my own battle with mental health, I would have never been able to adequately support them. This is not a time to toot my own horn by any means, but I take great pride in knowing my hurt has served a purpose in the way I interact with people. I may not always feel this way, but I would take a lifetime of more hurt if it meant I could help others who are struggling and make them feel seen, known, and understood. As for my career aspirations, that one is a rollercoaster. Some days I feel so great and think I can take on the world, that I can do anything! Then there are other days where I wish I could stay in bed forever. My motivation for my future and my career is one that I have to remind myself of my passion for teaching and inspiring students, because some days I just want to give up. At the end of the day, I know the future I dream for myself and am determined to let my experience with mental health push me to achieve it- to prove to myself that I CAN do it and the pain wasn't in vain. I'm more determined to reach those goals that I thought were unreachable. Honestly, I really shouldn't be here. If it wasn't for one person in my life fighting on my behalf, I would not be here. So there are two ways I can respond to another chance at truly living: give my feelings, depression, and anxiety power over me, or choose to take those negative thoughts and feelings and turn them into fuel to launch forward. Sure, my experience with mental health is not entirely positive, but I am choosing to view its influence as a positive experience even when it feels so desperately negative. Each of us have a choice. We always have a choice. My choice is to allow my pain to serve a purpose and positively influence my beliefs, relationships, and career aspirations.

Life really isn't fair and I have a hard time dealing with that idea. I used to let every single negative situation dictate my decisions, which led to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and an unhealthy lifestyle. There were times where I felt everything and times I felt nothing. Life didn't really matter, especially my future. I didn't see myself having a hopeful future. I pushed people away, I hated the world and only saw the evil in it, and I had no hopes and dreams. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia and Generalized Anxiety my senior year of high school. About a week ago I was also diagnosed with a Somatic Symptom Disorder (Hypochondria) and Obsessive Compulsion Behavior. It is very easy to let that become my identity, but I've grown since my senior year of high school. I cope and communicate better. I can let my diagnosis negatively dictate how I view my goals, relationships, and understanding of the world. However, I choose to see the ways in which my experience has helped someone else feel seen, known, and understood. I choose to remember how the ways I negatively coped affected my relationships and how I never want to experience that again. I choose to acknowledge that the world may have evil in it, but not everything is evil. Mental illness is real and it is hard, but I have a choice to take those negative and intrusive thoughts captive in order to accomplish the things I never thought I could. My life is nowhere near perfect, and won't ever be. I will probably always suffer from chronic depression. But I have a choice on how I live my life in the midst of it all, and from what I've learned, I choose to live knowing that it doesn't define me and therefore, I can dream big, love well, and live purposefully.