My parents got divorced when I was young, I believe I was about 6-7 years old; a few short years later I was given the news that my mother was moving to Florida. At about 9 years old I was devastated; I didn't understand why she would leave me, I was confused, angry, and upset; feelings that I would carry with me for a long time. My little body was filled with all these big emotions and was facing great change, I didn't know how to verbalize my emotions or talk about what I was feeling. For a few years it was just me and my dad, he was my best friend, my number one fan. Until he met my step-mother Shauna, at first we did not get along, I thought she was trying to replace my mother. However, as the years went on and my family was faced with great challenges, she slowly became the person I rely on most. Today, at 21 years old, my mother still lives in Florida and I only see her twice a year, and my father is an alcoholic. My father's alcoholism has caused him to be only a ghost of the man I once knew and looked up to. While we still live under the same roof, we barely speak and my family now faces financial hardship due to the cost of his addiction. With both my biological parents not fully present in my life, Shauna stepped up and made sure she was, she made sure I was happy, healthy and loved. As I encounter many obstacles in my life, the one thing that stayed consistent for me and never left was soccer. I have been playing soccer since I was 6 years old and still play today in college at Husson University where I am also in my final year of nursing school. Even though soccer has not always been easy, and there have been times in my life where I contemplated if I wanted to still play; it never left me, I always knew it would be there for me when I needed it. As my time as a college athlete is coming to a close I reflect on how it has been one of the best blessings in my life. Being able to continue to play the sport I love and achieve an education that will allow me to be successful and happy is the real gold of life. To me, nursing isn't about the money or the nice schedule; it's about giving back to others, helping others when they cannot help themselves, making someone else feel loved and cared for when they can't do it for themselves. I always knew I was also meant to be in this sort of profession and I think it is rooted in the challenges I faced at a young age and even know as I watch my father's health slip away. As for what I want to do once I graduate I am still currently debating between adolescent psychiatric nursing and the emergency department. Regardless of where I go though, my main goals and plans are to just help as many people as I can. Even if it is just a simple gesture of listening to how they are feeling and their concerns, something I think I wish someone would have done for me all those years ago.

About five years ago was when I began to experience a struggle with my own mental health. I was a freshman in high school who was involved in sports, clubs and succeeded in my academics. However, on October 11th of 2017 my daily life was put on hold as I got a concussion during a soccer game. This concussion put me out of sports and academics and many other activities with my friends for three months. For the first time in my life I had nothing to do and nothing to look forward to, all the things I loved to do I could no longer participate in for those months. Due to this I quickly found myself in an extremely dark place mentally. I struggled to see the bright side of things, I no longer looked forward to returning to the busy life I had prior to my concussion and I had no outlet for these feelings. But I put up my best act and pretended I was okay so no one would notice. Once I was cleared from my concussion I thought I would feel better, but, I didn't. Things seemed to be on a steady decline as I had mounds of school work to catch up on and new load of classes, I had a protocol to return to sports but it just wasn't the same. Eventually I wound up in the hospital and was placed into an acute residential program where I would receive help. Although this was the best option it made no impact on the state I was in and it did not help me escape my own thoughts. I would later end up back at another acute residential program, here I stayed for 32 days, and this time it was different. I was put on medication I had round the clock therapy and supervision, I had made friends with people who understood me. So, for the first time in about 8 months I felt hopeful for myself. This hope followed me after I was discharged. The program I attended made me realize that I was more than my mental health, it taught me that it is okay to not be okay. It taught me to take help when it was offered and to not push away those who care, and most importantly it showed me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. From the support, love, and care I received from all the staff members it quickly confirmed that I did want to be a nurse. I wanted and still want to help those who cannot help themselves. It has made me believe that every single person deserves to be shown compassion no matter what they may be experiencing, because everyone has battles they don't talk about. Now, I sit here from my college dorm room in Bangor Maine where I am studying Nursing with a plan to minor in psychology and I am considering receiving my masters for psychiatric nursing. While I would not choose to relive those events in my life I would not choose to change or get rid of them. I believe that my mental health has made me into who I am and has made me stronger, more compassionate, and more determined than ever to become a Nurse. To fulfill the dream I once thought I would never even live to see.

All my friends have always had siblings whether it was only one sibling for five, and I was always the friend who was an only child; not that it is a bad thing it is just interesting. My friends have always had someone to talk to and hang out with every minute of everyday, most of my friends have even been able to have help in big life achievements from their older siblings. As for me, I have to learn all those things on my own... such as applying to college, financial aid, scholarships, deadlines and much more. For my parents, they try to help me as much as possible but since they never went to college either, it is like I am stranded on an island where people can see me but they can't get to me to help. As for school, I was fortunate to have made friends easily, but sometimes I felt singled out when all my friends had sibling and I didn't... it felt as though I was almost left out, even though that wasn't really the case. Occasionally being the only child also created a sense of loneliness because my friends couldn't be available everyday for me, so sometimes I had to play outside by myself and let me tell you the wall isn't very good at hide and seek. But as I got older I learned to manage it more and I also became closer with my parents and grandparents, as my Nan (grandma) and Pup (Grandpa) were and still are my best friends. It takes a lot of energy sometimes and a lot of research most days when it comes to college, as this information is as new to me as anyone else in my family. But I won't let that hold me back. I have always achieved good grades, participated and been well rounded when it comes to all of my extracurriculars and even received a few awards for my success thus far. With that, I have accumulated big dreams and pathways to achieve them, but I created many of these plans along with back up plans on my own due to the lack knowledge of nobody fault. Although being the older child has its perks and down falls I wouldn't change it for the world. Even though I used to wish so hard to have a sibling I know I would not be as independent, reliable and confident in myself and planning had I had other sibling whether that be younger or older. I believe that sometimes being 'by yourself' or any only child creates a character that cannot be unlocked another way and for that I am thankful. I also would not change the fact that none of my parents received a degree as they would not have raised me to be so successful and made sure I had plans ahead of me that would create a future for myself and future family. I am proud of myself and my family beyond what words can describe and I hope one day to have kids, more than one but teach them insights only an only child would know.

My freshman year of high school, I was ecstatic about all that could go on and the opportunities I would encounter. Except my life took a turn in the unexpected and I was challenged with struggles larger than anything I had ever faced before. My mental health began to deteriorate and I felt as if there was no good left in my life or the world, I was hopeless, I had lost the excitement I held just a few months prior. Thankfully I had a group of friends and family who put me through therapy and two acute residential facilities to help me get back on my feet. Although I was resentful at first, the residential stays were the best thing that could've happened. During the time I spent in treatment, I found my spark again and came to the realization that I would never want anyone to ever question there purpose in life or believe the deserved nothing good. I want to use my knowledge of how bad mental health can get if untreated and the life lessons I learned from my own experiences to benefit others. One of my life goals besides graduating college and becoming a nurse is to become a mental health advocate. I want to create a space where kids and teens can come together to connect and feel less alone, realize that they aren't the only ones who are feeling the way they do. I want to create an online portal where others can access tips to help them feel mentally well, where they can collaborate and give their own ideas and strategies. In the time since my experiences I have done a final project on mental health within my school and how to help along with create a Mental Health Awareness week based on proven life tips to benefit oneself. I want to make everyone feel like they have someone because being a point in my life where I no longer wanted to live, no one should have to cope with that feeling alone.

April of 2018, I was in the back seat watching the rain drops race down the window of the car with a bag of clothes and hygiene supplies next to me. I was in a town I didn't even know existed till then, I was on my way to be dropped off at my first acute mental health facility. I was scared but also full of anger that this was even happening, I was mad at myself for letting people find out how I was feeling. So, I sat in the car in silence for as long as I could. I had always been the happy go-lucky kid on the playground and even all the way up till high school; it was my freshman year. In the beginning of the year I was so excited. I had made the soccer team, I was doing well in all my classes and I began to make new friends but there was a feeling deep down that I wanted to ignore. However, I unfortunately suffered from a concussion only a few months into my first year of high school that lasted for about three months. During this time I was not allowed to do anything and that absolutely destroyed me. I have always been active and maintained a busy schedule and now that I was forced to sit with nothing to do I had no choice but to be with my thoughts. That is when those feelings I had tried so hard to suppress came roaring back at me. I withdrew from my friends and family, I became irritable and I felt like all I did was sleep. So the months passed by and I was soon cleared from my concussion, except I had no desire to resume the life I once loved. It was then when a few friends of mine realized that I was battling something much larger than I could handle, but I refused their help time and time again. Day after day of denying the help my friends were trying to provide and my thoughts growing louder, they took matters into their own hands. A day I will never forget, as I walked down the school hallways to the guidance office where I was told my step mom was on the way. I was going to the hospital and I was not allowed back to school without a doctor's note stating I had been treated for my deteriorating mental health. This is how my journey began. April 13, 2018; my parents dropped me off at my first facility. Here I was with other kids who were also struggling and I had helpful resources to get me back on track. I stayed there for one week and then I was able to return to school, except that didn’t last long. I was home for about a month before I found myself back in another hospital room waiting for another bed to open up at a facility. My life felt meaningless and the days all blended together. The only thing I knew was I had a pile of school work growing rapidly that I had no desire for or any accessibility to, I felt like I was just going to rot into a hospital bed. A few days later and three nights in a psychiatric ward I was off to another facility, except this time would be different. About three hours from home is where I found myself for the next twenty eight days. This new place felt like a home, all the other clients were my age and we all shared so many common struggles. I had so much more access to therapists and group sessions and psychiatrists. Here, I threw myself into recovery as I bonded with the other clients and I finally didn’t feel so alone. I was also able to have access to my school work, and as it was faxed over to me and I was able to watch the list of missing assignments diminish I felt that spark I had lost so long ago, the one that reminded me I had a purpose in this world, I had dreams and success to achieve. As twenty eight days came to an end, I had heartfelt goodbyes, memories that would remind me of what happiness was and a team behind me to support me going forward. This was thankfully my last admission, and I was able to sustain myself for the next three years of high school. While I faced some ups and downs after my facility stays, between finding myself again and finding a therapist that would be the right fit for me along with the right combination of medications, I have never been better. I am reaching my goals and setting new ones as I sit here and apply for scholarships to attend the schools of my dreams. But most importantly, I took away irreplaceable life lessons and learned how to pick myself back up from. From all my mental health struggles I have learned that it is okay to not be okay, as long as you never give up on yourself because life will always be worth it. I have learned that it is okay to take a step back, breathe and relax because while hard work pays off, ones health comes first along with much more knowledge I will never forget. Overall these obstacles have shaped me into the person I am even though they once tore me apart. But your imperfections are what make you perfect and I am no longer ashamed of who I am and my mental health baggage that I take with me.

April of 2018, I was in the back seat watching the rain drops race down the window of the car with a bag of clothes and hygiene supplies next to me. I was in a town I didn't even know existed till then, I was on my way to be dropped off at my first acute mental health facility. I was scared but also full of anger that this was even happening, I was mad at myself for letting people find out how I was feeling. So, I sat in the car in silence for as long as I could. I had always been the happy go-lucky kid on the playground and even all the way up till high school; it was my freshman year. In the beginning of the year I was so excited. I had made the soccer team, I was doing well in all my classes and I began to make new friends but there was a feeling deep down that I wanted to ignore. However, I unfortunately suffered from a concussion only a few months into my first year of high school that lasted for about three months. During this time I was not allowed to do anything and that absolutely destroyed me. I have always been active and maintained a busy schedule and now that I was forced to sit with nothing to do I had no choice but to be with my thoughts. That is when those feelings I had tried so hard to suppress came roaring back at me. I withdrew from my friends and family, I became irritable and I felt like all I did was sleep. So the months passed by and I was soon cleared from my concussion, except I had no desire to resume the life I once loved. It was then when a few friends of mine realized that I was battling something much larger than I could handle, but I refused their help time and time again. Day after day of denying the help my friends were trying to provide and my thoughts growing louder, they took matters into their own hands. A day I will never forget, as I walked down the school hallways to the guidance office where I was told my step mom was on the way. I was going to the hospital and I was not allowed back to school without a doctor's note stating I had been treated for my deteriorating mental health. This is how my journey began. April 13, 2018; my parents dropped me off at my first facility. Here I was with other kids who were also struggling and I had helpful resources to get me back on track. I stayed there for one week and then I was able to return to school, except that didn’t last long. I was home for about a month before I found myself back in another hospital room waiting for another bed to open up at a facility. My life felt meaningless and the days all blended together. The only thing I knew was I had a pile of school work growing rapidly that I had no desire for or any accessibility to, I felt like I was just going to rot into a hospital bed. A few days later and three nights in a psychiatric ward I was off to another facility, except this time would be different. About three hours from home is where I found myself for the next twenty eight days. This new place felt like a home, all the other clients were my age and we all shared so many common struggles. I had so much more access to therapists and group sessions and psychiatrists. Here, I threw myself into recovery as I bonded with the other clients and I finally didn’t feel so alone. I was also able to have access to my school work, and as it was faxed over to me and I was able to watch the list of missing assignments diminish I felt that spark I had lost so long ago, the one that reminded me I had a purpose in this world, I had dreams and success to achieve. As twenty eight days came to an end, I had heartfelt goodbyes, memories that would remind me of what happiness was and a team behind me to support me going forward. This was thankfully my last admission, and I was able to sustain myself for the next three years of high school. While I faced some ups and downs after my facility stays, between finding myself again and finding a therapist that would be the right fit for me along with the right combination of medications, I have never been better. I am reaching my goals and setting new ones as I sit here and apply for scholarships to attend the schools of my dreams. But most importantly, I took away irreplaceable life lessons and learned how to pick myself back up from. From all my mental health struggles I have learned that it is okay to not be okay, as long as you never give up on yourself because life will always be worth it. I have learned that it is okay to take a step back, breathe and relax because while hard work pays off, ones health comes first along with much more knowledge I will never forget. Overall these obstacles have shaped me into the person I am even though they once tore me apart. But your imperfections are what make you perfect and I am no longer ashamed of who I am and my mental health baggage that I take with me.