As a child, I had a few different ideas about what I wanted to be when I grew up – a doctor, an artist, a mom, and a kindergarten teacher. By the age of 12, I knew that no matter what I decided, it would need to involve children in some way. When I was a young girl in school, I saw special education students with their teachers, and I was sure I never wanted to have that career. I excelled in school, had many friends, and always believed I was capable of anything I set my mind to. However, as a child, I never knew how to act around the students with special needs. The kids most highly impacted went to their own classroom, I went to mine, and I only saw them during fire drills or when they ran away from their teachers. In middle school, I became more aware of students in my own class who had learning differences, but I didn’t understand that they were special education students. Honestly, I thought that they weren’t trying very hard, or were maybe just not very smart. No had ever talked to me about why some students have special needs, and it felt almost taboo to mention it. My peers made fun of them, mocked people with disabilities, and I heard the “R” word nearly every day. I realize now how the stigma contributed to my views of these students. In high school, I was a part of our community service club, and loved to volunteer for any event I could. During my sophomore year, I got to volunteer for a special education track meet, with elementary, middle, and high schoolers. I was assigned a student to buddy with, make sure that they made it to their event, and hangout with them between times. I was scared and a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the track meet. I felt inept. When I met my buddy, let’s call him Mike, I still felt extremely anxious. Mike couldn’t talk much, but I played games with him and his family, and got to know them all. I ran alongside Mike as he participated in the bike riding event and cheered as he threw a pool noodle javelin. I learned about Mike from his siblings, and from non-verbal cues from Mike when I asked him questions about what he liked/disliked. Throughout the day, I went from a nervous girl, afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, to really feeling a connection with Mike. What started as a stressed induced day, ended with a fresh outlook on how to interact with special needs students. While I still couldn’t imagine myself finding a career working alongside students in that capacity, my heart was opened to Mike and his peers. When I began my first job in a school at 21 years old, I was hired as a Title 1 educational assistant, where I taught reading groups all day. I taught students with dyslexia, autism, and students who would later qualify for SPED. Firsthand, I saw how students were evaluated and recommended for special services. I enjoyed working with all the students, with or without disabilities, and yet, I did not envy my coworkers and friends who were SPED educational assistants, working with the most impacted students. I saw how my friends were hit, kicked, and spit on by students, and I remember thinking that I wasn’t made for that. I was devastated when I had to move two hours away and needed to find a new job. I applied to be a general education instructional assistant at my old elementary school in my hometown. My interview was alongside four other applicants, but I got the job! I didn’t know exactly what would entail, I was just thankful to have a job to support myself and my daughter, as I was a single mother. Two weeks later, I walked in and was shown around my old hallways. When I met my lead teacher who would give me jobs and make my schedule, I realized in about 30 seconds that the job I accepted was for special education, working with the most impacted students. Within the next 5 minutes, I was given my schedule and introduced to Mateo, a 3rd grade partially verbal boy with autism that I would be working one on one with. Internal panic came over me as I was thrown headfirst into my job, no training, no time to talk, no warning of what might take place in the next 5 minutes. I walked into Mateo’s classroom, walked over and said hi while the teacher introduced us. The teacher left and I was on my own. A few seconds later, Mateo jumped up and ran around the room clapping his hands. He ran and ran at least 4 times before falling on the carpet and rolling around there. In that moment, I realized I was now a Special Education Instructional Assistant. I had the one job I never thought I would have, one I didn’t necessarily want, and one with the most impacted students in the school. I could’ve quit. I thought about quitting. But I am a spiritual person who believes that some things are meant to be, and that’s how I chose to think of my new job. It was a challenge that I knew would stretch me, and hopefully give me valuable experience. Looking back, I admire my courage of trying something outside my comfort zone. Throughout the year, Mateo and I both grew in different ways, but closer together. Days of struggling to just walk down the hall with his class turned to weeks of nearly perfect walking with control. I learned strategies to help Mateo reach his full potential. When he pinched, hit, and kicked me in the face, we worked through it together, and I taught him better ways to communicate. We liked to be silly, and Mateo loved to talk about rabbits and how they eat carrots and not peaches. He would joke around, asking me if I liked asparagus pudding, and responding that its icky. Our relationship blossomed, and I grew to love coming to work every day. Mateo brought so much joy to my life, and I found myself so proud of him for his accomplishments. "I have learned that the purpose of teaching is to bring the student to his or her sense of his or her own presence." - Professor Harold Bloom, Possessed by Memory. After reflecting on this quote by Professor Harold Bloom, I connect strongly with its message. The purpose of teaching is not to create robots that produce a certain result. Teaching is not about coercion. Teaching is not about molding a child into who you want them to be. The purpose of teaching is to come alongside a student whose brain is still developing and guide them in understanding themselves and how they can positively be in the world. To help a child reach the potential they already possess within themselves. To guide special needs students takes a special skill set and heart that not everyone has, but I believe can be learned. I never desired working with special needs students, but I make a choice every day to open my heart and do the very best I can to come alongside my students. To bring a student to his or her sense of their own presence to me means to first model my own sense of presence. To be vulnerable and share parts of my life with students who have no choice but to be vulnerable. To allow students to spend time working on things they love, and also coaching them through activities that they don’t love, validating their feelings along the way. When students tell me that they don’t like an assignment, I always try to validate them by smiling and saying, “it’s okay to not like it, I don’t always like some assignments also. I will help you, you are not alone.” To bring them to their own sense of presence one must first really hear what a student is saying, and not immediately try to change their mind or dismiss them. If a student is to change their mind about something, it must come from within. In conclusion, while I never imagined myself being a special education teacher, now I can’t imagine myself not working with special needs children. As a graduate student, a mom, and a future teacher, my life revolves around children and learning. As a SPED instructional assistant, I also do what I can to educate general ed students about students with special needs and give them confidence to make connections with them. I have so much to learn, and I hope to always feel that way. While I constantly reflect on my own sense of self, my purpose is to guide children in this same journey. I believe that all children are the most precious form of life on our planet, and at all costs we must protect and bring them up well. Thank you for the opportunity to apply for your scholarship, I know it will greatly benefit whoever is chosen and their students. It is an honor to be considered. Wishing you well, Madeline Thompson