I’ve been sitting here staring at my computer screen trying to write about my experiences with mental health, and a flood of emotions and memories hit me like a freight train all at once. Mental health issues have affected my life in many so many ways.
I’m going to take a deep breath and try to tell you a little about it.
Mental health issues have torn my family apart twice. Coincidentally, they are to blame for why I don’t have any college savings and desperately need scholarships to pay for college.
My parents were high school sweethearts that got married after 15 years of dating. They were happy, and not long after me my little sister was born. One night when I was 3 and my sister was about 9 months old, I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting in the living room. I went out to see what was going on, but before I could even understand what was happening, my panicked mother picked me up and ran into the bedroom where my sister was sleeping in her crib. Mama was crying and shaking, and she tried to quickly shut and lock the bedroom door but my father angrily stopped her. Out of respect for my parents, I won’t go into great detail about what happened next. Instead, I’ll just say that I witnessed my father have a complete mental breakdown that night. My parents didn’t stay together for much longer after that night. My mother took my sister and me and we moved in with our Grandma, and my father went away to stay in the hospital for a little while. After he got out, we didn’t see him much. He continued to struggle with mental health issues daily, and it began to take a toll on my parents’ business. My parents jointly owned a restaurant, but my father ran it while my mother worked a different full-time job. Eventually, he wasn’t able to effectively run the restaurant, so one night he closed the doors and disappeared from our lives. My mother was left with their joint bills and all of the restaurant debt and she only had two options: file bankruptcy or sell her assets to pay off the debt. She had inherited 180 acres of land from her father, and had always planned on selling it later on to fund my and my sister’s college education. Unfortunately, every bit of the land had to be sold to settle my parent's debts, and nothing was left for college. My mother never financially recovered after that.
About a year later, my mother began dating an old childhood friend of about 25 years, and she was blissfully happy with him. A soldier in the Army National Guard, he had just recently come off of deployment in Iraq. The two of them were eventually married, and my sister and I were so excited to have a new stepdad. He was kind to us, played with us, and showed up for every school event and parent-teacher conference. He was invested in our lives and we eventually started to call him Daddy. But every so often, people would make comments about him that confused us. People often thought he wasn’t genuine or that he seemed manipulative and fake. My mother started to catch him in various lies, and it began to affect their marriage. In the end, he was diagnosed with mental illness and PTSD, and he told my mother that he didn’t want to live the life he’d been living with us anymore. He wanted to move on, so he did, and when he left he took all of our money. He was our Daddy, and he raised my sister and me for 11 years, but he walked out the door 3 years ago and we haven’t seen him since. Christmases have passed, I turned 16, then I graduated high school, got into college, and turned 18. At each major event, I couldn’t stop my eyes from looking for him in the crowds, but he never showed up. It took a while, but I finally stopped looking.
My mother now struggles with anxiety and depression, and she’s always worried about finances and my mental health as well as my sister’s. I guess she’s afraid that trauma from all the dad stuff will eventually rear its ugly head in the form of “daddy issues”. My biological father came back into our lives a while back, so that’s made it easier for my sister and me to cope with losing our stepdad. My dad has gotten remarried, has a stable job, and is in a much better mental place than he used to be. Unfortunately, he now has multiple heart conditions, and at 45 years old, has already had two heart attacks. His relationship with us is finally back on track, but now we have to wonder if his time is limited.
Taking care of your mental health is SO important. When you’re suffering, you make poor decisions that can destroy those around you. If it's bad enough, it spreads like a disease throughout everyone who loves and cares about you. It can take away happiness, joy, love, opportunities, money, jobs, and even life.
Mine probably isn’t the worst experience you’ll read about in these essays, but that’s my personal story and how it affected me. I am now a freshman at the University of Tennessee majoring in Biology, and I hope to work in the medical field. I hope that, once I enter the workforce, I can help others who are dealing with mental illness because I know what it can do to families. If I can help just one other little girl not have to live without a mother or father in their life, I will consider that a win.
Thank you for this opportunity.