Being gay and a witness is a rough combo. I was born into a very "spiritual" family and got baptized when I was 12. It wasn't long after that I started to come to terms with my sexuality. It affected my mental health. It didn't make sense how I was doing everything for Jehovah and had to deal with this when everyone else was "normal". I read every article under the sun but it didn’t help. If being gay was a bad habit, a kink, and a choice, why did it not go away when it was something I hated about myself so much? I thought being the best witness would "fix" me. When I was 17 I began pioneering and later became an MS at 18. For years, I shut my mind off to stay focused on the "truth". I couldn't handle the tears, suicidal thoughts, and sleepless nights I had during my teens. My family would always make fun of me for being emotionless but I had to avoid acknowledging that I was gay and alone. Instead, I did as much as I could in the congregation so I wouldn't have to think. When the pandemic hit and witness life paused, I had no choice but to face this elephant in the room, and how unhappy I was. I started talking to people online through dating apps. It didn't take long for me to realize that what the Watchtower says about being gay is not true. It is more than a sexual perversion, the romantic connections are the same as any straight relationship. There is nothing harmful about it. That was the first time I ever disagreed with the Watchtower. All it took was one unshakeable doubt that caused that "strong foundation" of faith to come crashing down. More and more I noticed doctrinal flaws. I was willing to give up so much of myself believing in their promises, but if they are wrong then what's the point? Growing up, I was always a good student but was only allowed to get an associate's degree at a community college. I dreamed of having a real college experience but never dared express that desire. I graduated summa cum laude with an associate's in Information Technology. I became a part-time web developer, but it made very little. I was 25 with no career, no money, and was living with my parents and I needed an exit plan. I used the time in the pandemic to focus on my coding so I could get a sustainable job. I eventually did, found an apartment, and moved out. That was a huge step in being able to untangle my life. While living on my own, I made my first "worldly" friend and started dating someone who would eventually become my boyfriend. Those two helped me see a life on the other side. They also made me realize just how empathetic and kind-hearted "worldly" people are. I learned that conduct does not equate to your qualities. A gay man with tattoos who curses, and watches violent movies can have more empathy, love, and compassion than any witness. You don't need a "Bible-trained conscience" to be a good person. One night, I was telling my friend about my situation as a witness. He told me that regardless of whether or not I chose to leave, he would always support me. That stunned me. What a contrast to how witnesses view relationships. It was the first time I felt unconditional love. I lived a double life for a short time, but once it was announced that door-to-door would resume, I knew that was my deadline. Never again would I knock on a door and try and sell this misery. My parents are too insane and controlling for me to be able to fade. I had to face them. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I was deeply afraid of my father. I never disobeyed him in my life and never spoke negatively about the religion. I had to tell the person I feared the most the worst thing he could hear. On Sept 6, 2022, I went to their house, told them I was gay, and that I was done with the "truth". It's too difficult for me to describe how that night went, or the weeks that followed, but it was done and I was free. I refused to talk to the elders, so the hall had a marking talk about me a month later. As hard as it was, I am so unbelievably proud of myself for having the confidence to face them and speak my "truth". There has been an immense amount of healing I have gone through. I used to think I was worthless, unloveable, and destined to be alone. I've now learned to value myself, love myself, and stand up for myself. I love the person that I've become. I wish my family would bump into me and see the person they were never allowed to see. The boy without emotions has a full heart. My bold departure had an impact on others too. A few months after leaving, my cousin left. Shortly thereafter, two of my close friends left. They told me it was my leaving that woke them up, which made everything I went through more than worth it. Between my amazing boyfriend, and my close friends old and new, I have my own little family. As time goes on, I can build my identity beyond this cult I happened to be born into. Some in my life have given me a pep talk about discovering my potential since I was always a good student and no longer needed to limit myself. I am now pursuing the Computer Science bachelor's degree my parents wouldn't let me have. This scholarship would be a huge help to me in paying my tuition so I can see what I can make of myself in this life.