It feels like I can't speak when I want to speak, like my mouth was ripped off and I'm trying to make noise come out of a flesh covered hole. That's how my experience with sharing things about me and my life have been. Due to not having courage or simply because I had no one to understand me. I've decided I'm going to change that. Not only for me, but for the rest of those that might be in my situation. There is fear combined with uncertainty when someone shares what is in their mind. If they have a lot of those feeling, talking feels harder than ever, almost impossible. As someone who had dealt with this issue first hand, it causes opportunities to escape you despite the fact you don't want them to. I want to create things that tell the side of those that can't do it themselves. In my way but still trying to send a message that will affect many. So that way they can see they are not alone and that others are there for them. So that hopefully they could have the courage to speak themselves. Not only have I experienced this troublesome ability but I have also engaged with different communities, different people, different ages and different perspectives, ideas, and minds. I've noticed how impactful all of these different sides are, how I can see a future where these sides can shape a world where understanding is key for a better tomorrow. The only thing that causes them to fall is the lack of representation or the wrong showing of representation. I plan to use what I have learned and will learn to create representation that can benefit more than harm. Your asking me how I plan to make a positive impact in the world, and the answer is by doing what should have been going on in the first place, or continue what has been able to be achieved. There are so many people out there, so many with different lives, different struggles, and different identities. It would be unfair to them and those who are oblivious about the differences, showing one form of life. It's harmful, and I will use my art in any way to contribute to the change of how people view variation in others and world.

I am from a proud Mexican family, I say we are proud because there is nothing that has ever deterred us from living a hard life, but still saying our names with power. My family struggles, I have seen it since I could remember, with money trying not to show, mental health, trying not to believe in it, and still trying to keep going after everything that has been brutally thrown and taken from them. They are strong people and I have always wanted to be that strong. I am proud to call myself Mexican, but struggle excepting myself in the family. Not because I wish to separate myself from the family, but because I cannot see them excepting me for who I really am. I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community some know who I am, I struggle with my mental health and have actively tried to explain it to them and one of the things I want to do with my life is be an animator. Make stories that not only entertain, but also express a side of myself that hopefully others can relate to, that way they can know that they aren't alone, someone, many even, are out there facing similar situations in life, that it's ok to struggle and break down, ok to be who you are. Ever since I could remember art was my outlet, to let myself escape from what life was tormenting me with. I drew what I felt, and sometime people got scared because most of what I drew was horror. While some, like my mother supported me through who I am and who I want to be, the rest of my family disagreed, arguing about what's best for me. I don't want to start fights, I just want to live my life.

I don't know how to talk about it, my mental health. I'm not used to it because I was never told to be comfortable around the topic. It causes me to feel nervous and eventually I can't breath, my breath shakes as I feel like my eyes are being filled with tears. Its embarrassing talking about what's bothering you, especially when its you yourself. That's why relationships with people just end up with me expecting them to leave. My mental health has never made things easier for me, only more tiring. Its made each day feel like I'm fighting to breath. It causes seeing things I used to love with so much hate. It makes me wish I could stay asleep and never wake up the next morning. It makes arguments with my family, miscommunication with my friends, and made up scenarios be the reason I never begin anything. It makes eating sickening. It makes any moment to yourself be the reason why your useless, your nothing, and why its better for people to hate you, how love will never be something you deserve. It makes you become someone that you never thought you would be. It makes you be in its trap. I remember how I was only a kid when I started dealing with my mental health that would only grow to be something that I may never be getting rid of, but only figure out how to live with it and not let it overpower me. Sometimes its good days where I can stand on my own two feet, I can breath, and I think I can take it. Other times there are days where it feels that its that day that's my last, I have to say goodbye because the ones that love me won't see me the next day. Its a scary thought, to not fully trust yourself because the one talking isn't even you, its the mental health that is breaking and you don't know how to ask for help because you were never taught how to. My mental health had been nothing but harmful to me. It has never brought comfort, except when it manipulated me into believing it could when I was in my worst times. The thing about my mental health though, its that just like me, it's changing, and I end up learning more about it as a grow. Recently, there are my ups and there are my lows, but I have been learning about what I can do to make my mental health not fight me anymore, but work in my benefit. It's not easy, but I've learned that no matter how much I have suffered, I've still been able to go through it all, crawling, but still moving, and I don't plan to stop.

The worst part about having a messed up mental health is that you can't talk about it. I have grown up in a family that believes mental health is a myth, something made up, and how you're a fool to believe that it's actually real and can affect you. That's why most of my mental health I had to fight with it alone. Since I could remember mental health was a hush topic in my family, mention it and everyone has something to say about it, most of the time what is being said just makes you be the one to apologize at the end. There is no point trying to ask for help, you don't need it anyway, it's all in your head, you're fine. It was frustrating trying to find out what was wrong with me, and trying to find someone to speak to about it. While I was younger it made communication the hardest challenge that I could face, I don't lie so I stayed quiet instead, meaning that most people believed I only wanted to be alone. It made making friends hard for me as a kid, I didn't approach people, I let people approach me, and I made myself believe that in a nick of time those people will leave and i'll be alone again. It was merely because I knew what kind of person I was and someone who isn't entertaining doesn't keep the attention. I didn't want attention, I just wanted friends. As I grew older I realized that my past of suppressing emotions has caused me to become a sensitive individual, that cannot control when they cry. I can't lie anymore. I can't stay calm, and I can pretend that I'm okay. I cry now more than what I have ever wanted to in the first place. It's harder now to talk about things that have happened due to the fact that I was just never accustomed to in the first place. However, there are those in my life that have learned the error in their ways but have yet to grow the patients to talk with someone about them. I used to have screaming thoughts about suicide and violence against others, now I can only hear the nagging voices of how I was cheated out of so many things in my past. I am on medications that seem to change every so often because they don't work anymore. I have to decide whether or not to go far as to have a break from a life that has mostly brought pain, or stay close as to keep me from doing something I will regret. It is harder most days because it feels like i'm drowning, my depression comes with anxiety, and that means that it's mostly me panicking and having a break down over things that already happen are that might never happen because I overthink everything. The worst part of having problems with your mental health is that you never get rid of them, you only know how to adapt to them, and work with them. I am still learned how to navigate life with my mental health. I've pushed many away due to my frustration, I have hurt people because of my anger, and I have lied to others as to keep their mind at peace. My mental health had and keeps making me act a certain way that I am not happy nor proud to act. I am learning, I have made mistakes, and there is nothing that will change the fact that I have to start over.

I'm not special. I don't have any awards in my name, I'm not the most popular person in school. I don't have any successful stories about moving up in rank in class or work, and I get average grades, never passing, but never failing either. I don't get in trouble with the school, but that also doesn't mean I'm the class president. My hobbies are small, and I barely do them at times. Consisting of drawing or reading whenever I'm bored, or watching cartoons, anime, or tv shows after school. I have a small group of friends and most of the time I don't even hang out with them out of school. My family has issues and sometimes it's suffocating just entering the apartment that I live in, but I love them and despite it all I know some of them will have my back. My family history itself is complicated and most of the time it sounds like its from a drama that never aired. I can't believe it sometimes that I am related to so many bad people. l live with only a mom, grandma, brother and sister, my dad decided being a dad was too much and my grandpa died a year ago. We miss him a lot and sometimes I wonder what he would tell me at these times when it feels like I can't breathe. It's my senior year and I have never been more scared in my life. Iv been through surgery, and I watch horror related content every chance I get. My heart has never raced as fast as it does when I'm thinking about the last few weeks I have left in school until I walk down to graduation. I'm more scared because my education path seems messy compared to others. I am planning on going to school to pursue animation, but the way that I'm doing it can be considered complicating for others. I don't care though, I didn't plan for it to be this complicated but I also didn't plan on doing many things that I did in my last year. I may not be the most extraordinary person in the world, but I know that I always liked it when I watched those animations online and on tv. When I planned out a cartoon in my head, and when I talked about my ideas to my family or friends. Despite the negative talk about how this will never bring anything for me, I remember that the only thing I ever wanted to do when I grew up was be a part of an animated movie. Stories have a huge impact in my life, from real to fiction. From family to strangers, it never fails to amaze me that there are different perspectives and different lives that anyone can live. I want to be able to share those stories that people will allow for me to share. I want to be able to have a story I make, touch someone in a way that makes them think about life differently. Just how the many stories that were told to me did for me. Going to college/university will help me grow those skills and find others who want to follow the same as I. With everything that I will hope to learn and what I can try to make, I plan to bring perspectives into light and share stories where anyone can say what needs to be said, it's been done before, but I aim to have these perspectives be heard rather than judged immediately, try to change rather than hurt.

When I first sat in my meeting that was going to determine what accommodations I was going to have through out my years in high school, I felt and thought of nothing because I was too confused to understand that I was going to be in a Special Education program. I didn't know that I needed help to do better in class. My problem that led me to have a special education program came from disturbance in environment and an emotional disability that would cause me to not perform the best I could due to becoming emotionally unstable. My mother explained it to me in a different manner, that she thought I would understand. However I figured quite late that I did not in fact know what was wrong with me. I had a hard time knowing how to use those accommodations, and only now when I am in my last year of high school have I realized that I really can use them. Due to my emotional disability I over think and exaggerate something that isn't meant to be. I exaggerated the response teachers would give me if I ask to use my accommodations, therefore I never used them. I would sit in class struggling without them but I refused to ask. One of my accommodations allows to to exit the class quietly when I feel that it is too much. I was so scared when I herd that and over thought that if I did actually do that, I would be in trouble with the teacher and have to suffer detention or possibly expelled. I was so full of fear when I heard that I was having accommodations, in part of the emotional disability that I have. I always told myself that I don't have anything, that they have mistaken me for someone else and when they find out, I will be punished. That constant fear is what didn't allow me to use the help that was provided to me. However in my senior year when I have realized that using them was okay and I wouldn't get into trouble it made me feel this courage that I thought I never would have been able to have. I still didn't use them as frequently as I should have but only now when I have a few months left of my senior year I have been using them when I need to. I have even spoken to someone who is apart of the group that allows me to have these accommodation in the first place, to talk about adding some new ones because I have finally been able to find my voice. It is still terrifying to ask for help but slowly I have been able to do so. When I was first told that I was going to have these until I graduate and only when I turn 18 will I determine whether I not I want them for college or university, I was still scared, telling myself that the minute I don't need them I will get rid of them. Now, all I think about them is how and when I can see the one that will transfer my special education program into university as soon as possible. I have been able to see myself using the accommodations instead of fearing them, using them to succeed in school. Seeing those opportunities that have been given to me when I was younger have allowed me to feel encouraged, and instead of being put down, they have lifted me up into believing that I really can do what I would love in the future. I was full of fear, those that tried to help had never noticed that I was, instead they believed I was wasting the sources that I was given. Maybe I was but I did not need someone telling me that, I needed someone to guide me on how to use them. I eventually found them, it was me all along and the special education program that I put into has let me see that. I can accomplish things on my own, and when the help is there, use it, don't be scared to ask. I would have been in a completely different spot if I had the confidence I have now, back them, and while I have many regrets about staying quite in the meeting instead of asking the questions for reassurance, I now know that I can at this moment, when one of the biggest things in my life is going to happen. I still see myself having fear, but from my experience, I'll get out of it, because I had been able to before.

The saddest year for me has to be the current one, my senior year. The tiring repetition of finishing assignments and projects, so that I could have enough time to study, combined with personal struggles, getting ready for college, and trying my hardest to make work count. It had been a chaotic year, but the worst part of it is the daily reminder that this is it, this will be my last year in high school, i'll be graduating soon, and then adult life is around the corner. It is a scary thought and at times when school work gets to me I feel sometimes that it's too much. I almost give up at times. Grades are the things that I try to keep at a good number. Making sure that they are at a score that will allow me to pass the year. That doesn't mean that keeping them like such is an easy task, I have to be consistent in what I do. One of those things is to go to tutorials when I can, that's where I meet with my physics teacher. If I'm being honest, she's a great teacher. She explains the topic is a way that I can understand, she is patient whenever it's taking me a while to understand, she's understanding when I mention how I will need to have more time for certain assignments due to personal reasons, and not to mention she's hilarious, always having a joke to tell here and there. I really do appreciate having this teacher for one of the toughest subjects for me. The way she teaches doesn't make me hate coming to that class. Her understanding nature makes it easy for me to talk to her, which is something that I feel my younger self, who had to deal with really hard teachers who where hard to understand and even harder to talk to, would appreciate. Even when it's not work from her class, I just need to work on other subjects she lets me stay during tutorials when I need to. She even let me keep a bouquet that I made for my partner for a prom proposal in her class until I needed it. During my moments of struggle with physics, as the greatest teacher that she is, she spent her time during class, and sometimes after school to help me understand the material. I have accommodations, and she has been able to let me have them, on board with them and checking up on me about things that she knows i'll need a reminder in. The respect that I receive from this teacher is something I knew was going to take some time for me to understand, but she had been able to let me grasp it when I needed to. It has made me think about the structure of how school should feel, and how a relationship between a teacher and student should feel like as well. This will help me understand where I am meant to stand when I get into college/university, and how my teacher and I should act in order for me to reach my full potential. This experience this last year of high school, has opened my eyes to the possibility of having a good teacher, taught me some important lessons on how to ask for help when you need it, and has given me advice in how you should treat yourself, that I will use after I graduate.

If you have ever thought about becoming someone who you're not, someone better, with the abilities to do basically anything, than the 1994 film The Mask, is the film you want to see. This film is one of the first that I can think of that has a great impact on my life. I remember how the first time that I watched it I was way below the recommended age that the movie was originally for. When my mom first put it on she didn't say what the movie was about, I just sat there and started watching it. As the movie continued I liked it more and more. The movie didn't just make me laugh, but it made my imagination go wild. A mask that can give you abilities that are inhuman. As the main character Stanley Ipkiss became a cartoon in real life, I was in awe. That's what I wanted to do as a kid. Escape this world and be a cartoon, it played with my dreams and it executed a reality that I realized was good to know. The message of at the end of the movie of just being yourself also made me think as a kid about how many times I shall do that and how this movie has shown me that while being someone else can be fun, it has consequences and the most greatest person you could be is yourself. As a kid I decided nothing was going to stop me from being myself, and so as a child I was what some could say chaotic. As I grew older, sadly I didn't always follow what I learned from this movie, I also put on a metaphorical mask, and acting like someone completely different. Unlike in the movie when the mask is a chaotic character that wants attention, I became timid and tried my hardest to avert the gaze of others. I remember I had forgotten about that movie until I found it one day while scrolling a streaming platform. I had the DVD but it was lost a while ago, seeing the movie again brought some nostalgia. I immediately put it on and sat there watching it, feeling like a kid again. I laughed more than last time. At the end of the movie that same message popped into my head, about how the greatest person you could be is yourself. I sat there this time thinking about it and eventually I made up my mind. I didn't want to be this person anymore, this quiet person that tries to be away from others. I wanted to change. It took some time, but I eventually broke out of that shell that I was in, and I ended up being someone who my younger self would appreciate. Even when I feel like going back and being that timid self, I think about the movie and its funny moments but also its characters. It's a comfort movie and one that I watch to this day. Maybe its because it has one of my favorite actors, or maybe its because I still think about being a cartoon, what ever the reason, this movie has been one of the reasons I try to be myself.

The first lesson I was ever taught is how no matter what and no matter who comes, you are always alone. This wasn't meant to deter me in the slightest however. My mother, who was a single mom raising three kids and taking care of two adults, my grandparents, only meant to tell me this to make me stronger. To believe in myself that I can accomplish things on my own without relying on anyone else for my success. She spent my younger years raising me to be independent, in a manner that others would say is neglectful. She wasn't neglectful, at least not on purpose. She was tired. I had figured at a young age that life only becomes well enough for you when you work for it. I had learned many lessons from my mom, from how not to be treated by others, how to treat others yourself, how to keep yourself moving when everything is against you, and many other lessons. She never had to tell me though, I learned from how she experienced things, I learned from watching. Whenever she did say something it was the pure truth, nothing hiding and nothing being reworded, just the pure cruel truth. At some point I had forgotten I was only a child, barely in elementary, and I was being talked to as if I myself was an adult with a life. During this time it was also when my mental state had started to deteriorate, it was getting bad for me, and I still had recess in school hours. My mom tried her hardest, but she was always tired, and eventually she just left me be, using words that still replay in my head at times. I had found myself replaying the first lesson I had ever known. With that I had begun being someone that to this day is one I regret. My years now are full of learning how to undo what has been done, in a way learning all over again. Due to the way my mother had raised me, I learned that life is harder to keep in your hands than you think. You're all alone, and you only have yourself, and sometimes you're your best liar. I have told myself many things, the same that my mother had done to herself, and it has made me realize that my mom had been wrong in a lot of things. I'm learning again, more about myself than what I had known. You can say that it is something that I wish I had been able to do while growing up. Despite the situations and what had occurs I still love my mom, and today sh herself is trying to find herself again. I think one of the most important lessons that came from what I have learned, is that, if you really need to, you can start over.

I was celebrating my birthday and I hadn't thought much about what could happen. There weren't that many days after, maybe two, when my mom was picking me up from school, I knew the news were bad because I could see she had been crying and all I think was, don't say it. My grandpa died from a heart attack two years ago. He was in Mexico with his family and his brother found him. It was a moment that felt so surreal. I couldn't stop thinking about how he really was gone, but he wasn't in my head. No he was just in a trip and will come back when he's done. That's still how I think about it. When we came to the funeral home where he was going to be cremated, I gave him one last hug, when he didn't pat my head like how he used, that's when it hit me. He really is gone. My grandpa and I weren't that close. He loved my brother the most out of his grandchildren. I mind it a lot because all I wanted to do were the things that he did with my brother. I wanted to fix cars and bikes and be hands on outside in the sun, but my grandma only saw a girl and not a boy that is built for it. So I gave up on trying to be that close. That didn't mean that I saw my grandpa as any less. No I think he's some of the reason for why I am the way I am now. He taught me a lot just by his own experiences. One of which that I think about from time to time is don't let things scare you, the most you can give them is that chance. Act brave and eventually you will be. Words that my mother was raised with that she passed down from my grandpa were that when you feel like you need to break down, do it, and make the break down good, but when you done, get up, wipe your face, and keep going. My grandpa was a strong man, through everything he had ever gone through in his life, which from the storied my mother tells me, he went through hell before anything else, my grandpa is an admirable man. He helped others even when he was the one that needed to most help. I miss him a lot but knowing him he would be telling me to focus on school to get a good job that will pay me many so that life wouldn't be as hard on me. He would tell me to keep going. He would probably the second person right now telling me to go for it, on anything. We called him ito, and for ito and to prove to others that I can, and to myself, I'll make whatever I put my mind into happening.

When you think of a happy place, or something that calms you when your not at your best, most people would think of the calmest setting imaginable. A beach, some clouds, or even with their family. I think of the horror, the grotesque, and the absolute life shattering moments within it that cause people to turn of the screens. I love it. When I was in my second year of highschool, my school had allowed for their students to develop a project in which we pick a topic and create a product out of the research. I immediately knew what I wanted to talk about. I knew what genre was going to be the most interesting to me, that being the history of horror. So I began my research and collected any information that I could. When the time came I had readied my supplies and began the poster in which will dipict some of the most iconic horror characters that shaped the genre into what we know now. It was a challenging week, mostly because I gave myself only a week to work on the poster. I sketched out the characters and each day worked on more than one of them, using references and color pencils to get the best details on them. I skipped meals and stayed up until I was shaking from being tired. However I didn't let myself stop until my poster was complete. There were moments that I thought I wouldn't be able to finish. The doubt only made me give it my all. This poster wasn't just made because my school needed a project to grade. It was made with my effort and not just that it was made to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I put my mind into. School didn't inspire this poster, my stubbornness and passion for explaining what others don't understand did. My excitement to draw what comforted me at moments when my anxiety didn't. My drive to never give up even when things were mentally and physically the hardest. This poster was inspired by everything that I felt I had to put into it, my tiredness, my perseverance, my passions, everything that I felt while making this poster, from almost crying because I couldn't think of being able to finish it on time, to the relief and satisfaction that came when I landed the final stroke. I love art, and this poster proved to me that I did. No matter what occurs while I'm doing it, I'll always love art. That's another thing that inspired my poster. My love to create. Nothing stops me from doing it, and if given the chance, I'll do all over again. Thers nothing more that I would want to do. Getting inspired by who knows what but always going back to what led me to it. Wanting to make, to create, to share something for others to see, because let me tell you seeing the faces of my classmates when I showed them the poster at the end gave me this feeling of worth. I create, so that I can share what I make to those who want to see. I want to keep doing that. For as long as I can.

I don't deserve the people that have given so much to me. Everything they have ever done I see now that I have taken for granted. I hope one day I can see those that are gone from me again and thank them for everything they have ever given me, my grandpa would be the first. For now, I will recognize those that I still have with me and give them as much as I can. They deserve a lot more than what I can give, but I hope that they will appreciate it. For one that is not here anymore, my grandpa, he has given me something that I had only realized now how important it is. He had given me the chance to better my future. He moved to America without his family and worked hard to get them to pass and even harder to keep them secured and well while being here. Without him my mother wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be able to have the many opportunities that I am having right now. I hope the day I see him again I can hug him as tight as I can and show him everything that I was able to accomplish because he decided that life would be better for his family here. My mother is one that is still present and who I would give to next. She has not only given me a place that despite not being warm all the time, is still a place that can shelter me enough to feel safe, but also given more of her life to me than she had given to her self. She is a strong woman, going through a lot that sometimes I wonder how she could still be standing up right now. Physically, mentally financially, and more has she been struggling and still continued to fight every morning to give me and my sister the best that she can give. To keep us in school and to give us what we need. She has given me pain and wisdom, support and love, through everything that she has taught me. Even though they weren't taught in the nicest way possible as I had hoped, she still gave me lessons about life that I am still using and will continue to use. My friends, they have been able to give me heartbreaks, love and support. They don't know that they are a part of the reason that I still am here in this world. They have given me a reason to wake up in the morning and continue. I wish I could give them everything that I could ever give them, but there is only so much I can give to them. For that reason, for my grandpa I will give him the ability to see me succeed in what he saw I was the best in, my art, it will be challenging but when thinking about everything he had to suffer through, going to school and getting a degree in the career I want doesn't sound hard to do at all. For my mother I will succeed and give her what she always needed, a break, through working hard and saving up I will get her a place in which she can finally rest. For my friends I will be there for them and help them when I can. I will tell and show them how much they mean to me and trust that they'll be there for me too. I can't pay everything back all at once, but I can at least start now.

I have seen money being stolen and I heard of the moments when people lose everything they ever earned. I witnessed the struggle of financial hardship, and irresponsible spending on things that were not necessary. I experienced and still see my mother stressing about how much we have for rent and if we are able to have enough to buy food to eat. I am no stranger to the strain in successful finances, at least the part of trying to reach them. I am well aware that without money, you are basically left with little to nothing. Therefore, one of my goals in life is to be financially stable, being able to afford what I need and even be able to spend a little more without worrying about if I have enough or not. However, more specifically, I want to be able to help my mother with financial troubles without having to struggle as much as she did. Even give her more than she has ever given me. I aim to be responsible in how I work with money, and have the ability to explain how to use it as well to others who are not as good at understanding the material. I myself can see where my strengths and weaknesses are when looking into financial things however that does not stop me from wanting to educate myself more in them. I have always asked questions to those that I know are more adept in the topic, and I make sure to take notes in what they have to say. I do have an interest in finance as a whole, and despite what I say to others I am secretly interested on the strategies that people do in order to make the most of what they earn, wanting to learn more about the shortcuts people take to be able to get what they need with not a lot in their pockets. One of the things that does interest me a lot is how much money can grow overtime, and how people have been able to make a lot just by simply investing. I plan to use what I know, learn more and expand my knowledge of understanding of money and how to use it wisely to the best extent, as to be able to work with money professionally and personally. How I will do that has a simple answer. I will educate myself in the present way of finances, and figure out how it works. Then see what I will need to learn so that in the future I am not as behind in the newest methods. It all will depend on my efforts of trying to understand, and currently I am trying my hardest to understand the best way to finance. I do not know what my future holds, I may take a career in finance, I may have just been able to help my mom the way I wanted to, who knows, but what I do know is that money is always going to be something that I need to realize is apart of my life, and I will be trying my hardest in mastering it.