Within the last six months, I watched my mom suffer from depression and anxiety. I have always heard and read how mental illness can really affect a person and those around them, but I never knew what it was to suffer from it or watch someone you know suffer from it until now. It was hard for my mom to take proper care of herself, and it started to take a toll on me too. It really does affect those around them as well. There is only so much we can do to help those we love who suffer mentally, but they have to do their part too. I wanted to do everything I possibly could to help my mom, but if she was not willing to help herself, then there is nothing I can do about it. I realized I was killing myself in order to get her better, but now she has to get better at loving herself to go forward. I can give her a little push, and she has to continue from there. I have to remind myself that none of this is my fault, and she has to be willing to get the help she needs. It hurts, but it is the truth. In the beginning, it was definitely hard because my mom was not herself and I would often get irritated and tired easily. Along the way, though, I learned to become more patient and would not snap at any little thing. I’m also an introverted person, so I prefer to listen and observe rather than be the one to speak. Since my mom would often keep to herself, I try to make conversation by saying whatever comes to my head, and then we go on from there. This is slowly having me start to open up more and make friends a little easier. I mean, I’m still pretty shy, but I try my best. She loves movies too, especially hallmark, so whenever she’s in the mood, I’ll find a movie for us to watch together. Even just walking outside is wonderful. We get a breath of fresh air and enjoy the sight in front of us. Getting her to see the beauty of life and how we can perfectly handle our own without a partner is all I want for her. My experience has made me realize that physical therapy is exactly what I want to do. I had to do physical therapy when I was in middle school, and seeing what they did to help me, I was interested in it. Now that I have been going through this with my mom, it has helped me learn the mental health aspect and how I can help people, both physically and mentally. This has also taught me ways to keep myself healthy, such as keeping up with my hobbies, self-care, and just doing whatever makes me happy, no matter how small. We all have struggles in our lives, but it is up to us to keep pushing forward.

Last year, 2020, was definitely one big rollercoaster. We were told about an extra two weeks off of spring break due to covid, and next thing you know, I'm graduating next week. It began with lots of alone time, watching show after show, and even questioning my sexuality. From the fun I experienced in the beginning, it eventually got worse. The first few months I actually enjoyed because I would paint and watch shows/movies, but it started getting worse around the start of senior year. Having to wake up early again and be given lots of work was draining. I spent nearly all day and every day on my laptop staring at my screen, and it would give me headaches. December came, though, and I was excited for Christmas and winter break. As excited as I was, December started with a punch as my grandma passed away on the 1st. My mom and I went to Puerto Rico to see her a few days before, and I'm happy we did. We had the chance to see her before she left. I like to think of it as her waiting to see us before taking her leave. It may have been tough for me, but it was hardest on my mom. Her mom was her world, and to see her go was probably the hardest experience she has had to face. It definitely took a toll on her mental health, and not only because of that but because when she came back from the funeral, we got covid. We had a covid-filled winter break, so we could not go see our family for Christmas or New Year. She was then diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is still suffering from it now. These last five months have been the hardest of my life, but I know this will make me stronger. I have been eternally grateful that my mom is still here with me, even if she is not really herself right now. Although my mom has been struggling, I happened to get closer to my dad. I mean, we were already close, but I would do lots of things with my mom that I’m now doing with my dad, and it made me realize that I had left him out of some experiences. It makes me sad when I think about it, but I’m happy to be doing everything with him now. I don’t get to see him as often as I normally would since I have to be with my mom (she can’t be left alone), but he always makes sure to check up on me. At least one good thing came out of this. Well, and one other thing. Learning who we are (on a deeper level). I think a lot of people can relate because if there's one good thing that came out of quarantine, it is people learning more about themselves and finding who they really are, like me. Within the isolation, all we can really do is hang out with ourselves. I feel relieved in a sense because I understand now why I have been feeling like this for the past year. This is not my little coming-out story, but why not add it. It was part of my 2020 experience. I always hear the saying, "it is going to get worse before it gets better," and I'm going to trust it. It is not possible to explain in words the emotion I have felt, but I have to push through the bad to get to the good. This year, I have not really concentrated on the future because I'm focusing on the present, but I definitely will not take traveling for granted. I wish more than anything to travel the world, and I'm sure I'll get my wish soon enough. I hope the good starts coming soon, but no matter what happens, I know I will get through it.

"I make and put on the crown myself" This is from a song called 'Basquiat' by Pentagon (a boy band). They were inspired by Jean-Michel Basquiat's paintings, more specifically the famous crown symbol, and from the moment I read this quote, it stuck with me. At first, I did not grasp its meaning, although there could be different meanings depending on each person's interpretation, but I have an idea and I'm going to give my interpretation a shot. I take this quote as going through all of the hard work to reach a certain goal/dream and putting on the crown yourself as your reward once you reach it. As for me, my goal is to become a physical therapist and my dream would be to have my own physical therapy clinic. I always manage to go back to this quote to remind myself to stay motivated and to keep pushing forward. Right now, I have definitely been feeling unmotivated since it is the end of my senior year (aka "senioritis"), so I think of this quote and push through my work. My crown in is its process of being made. Once I graduate from college, I will consider my crown to be somewhat completed, and if I still have my dream of creating my own physical therapy clinic, then once I finally have, that is when it is completed and I will put on the crown myself. If I end up with a different dream, then I will complete and wear my crown once I reach that dream. This not only applies to my career goals but also my personal life, such as with painting. There may be a design I want to create and when in the process of it, my crown is being made, and once it's complete, my crown will be worn. Whether I change my goals or not, and no matter how big or small they are, as well as accomplishments, there is something to be rewarded for and most definitely something to be proud of. Even an “I’m proud of you” is a reward itself, and my crown will be mine. Some honorable mentions: "Your efforts will never betray you. All of your efforts will pay off." "If you worked hard, then you will be rewarded. Believe in yourself." "Even if there's no one walking down this path, if it's what I want, then that's my path." These are some extra quotes from artists I listen to and I find inspiration in their words. Of course, there are many more, but these are special since they apply to what I have been saying. This is my life. I will push through tough times and exceed at my best in my own path. I [will] make and put on the crown myself.

December 1st. Our favorite month of the year. Our Christmas spirit begins and we start counting down the days until Christmas. That is until we get a call. While doing homework in my room, a loud sob was heard down the hall, and it did not stop. Scared of what could have possibly happened, I nervously go to the room and see my mom crying uncontrollably. She comes towards me and hugs me, and after realizing what it was all about, I cry with her. December 1st was not associated with excitement anymore. The call was to share that my grandma, my mom’s mom, passed away. We had just come back from Puerto Rico from seeing her, and two days later was when we were told of the news. I like to think of it as if she waited to see us before she left. Not even a full week after coming back from Puerto Rico, my mom went back again for the funeral. Because of covid-19, a limited number of people were allowed at the funeral, so only my mom and step-dad went. After they came back, they began feeling a little unwell to soon find out it was covid-19. First it was my stepdad, then it was my mom, and without realizing she had, she soon passed it on to me. Winter break turned into a covid-filled break, which then led to a covid-filled Christmas. The three of us could not touch each other, we had to wear masks 24/7, and we were all isolated in our rooms. On Christmas day, my mom was taken to the ER, and she was diagnosed with pneumonia, which was due to the covid-19. My mom and step-dad spent most of the day at the hospital, while I spent most of the day home alone. After the crazy month we’ve had, my mom gets diagnosed with depression and anxiety. To this day, she’s still battling both, and I’ve been trying my hardest to be there for her in any way I can. It’s definitely not easy and most of the time I have no idea what to do, which makes me feel helpless, but going through this experience is helping me learn. I have become more patient, offer any and all help, and I am always sure to listen. Communication really is key when it comes to these types of situations. I am a person who is more on the quiet side and enjoys alone time, but now, for the majority of the day, I spend it with my mom so she does not feel alone. I did not realize that it could also drain me too, but my mom needs me and I will do what is necessary in order to help improve her health. I feel myself growing up a little faster than expected, but I know this will help me in any future situations regarding mental health, and it could help me with myself too in improving mine. It has been quite a ride these past months, but I am grateful for having seen my grandma before she left, for my mom and step-dad still being here with me, and for us being covid-free. I am starting to understand what it really is to suffer from mental health problems, and being that my career goal is to become a physical therapist, I hope to bring light to those in the darkness. I want to become the person whose words and actions have an impact. This experience is one I will never forget as it is one creating me into the person I am today and who I will become.