My queer experience has been a series of many ups and downs in equal amounts. The earliest memories I have of realizing I am queer began around the 7th grade. I had grown up with a few LGBTQ+ adults in my life, but I still didn’t have many examples of queer people close to me. As I stumble into adulthood, I’m starting to appreciate all aspects of being queer and transgender. I’ve struggled with mental health since middle school for multiple reasons, but exploring my gender added to that pressure. I spent a lot of time alone in my early teen years because I didn’t know where I fit. I had a couple friends that I’m still very close with to this day, but I never clicked with other people. I never felt feminine enough to hang out with girls and the guys I tried to hang out with never saw me as masculine enough. I already knew by then that I identified as genderfluid or nonbinary, but people never respected me in either situation. I came out to my parents as genderfluid when I was around 12 or 13, but all they could do was keep asking why I felt the way I did. I understand that they were probably shocked and confused, but their response to what I was telling them made me feel invalidated. I know they love me no matter what, but this is something they just can’t grasp. They still never use the right pronouns for me, despite me having multiple conversations with them over the last few years. I was constantly feeling dysphoric because of that and the way my body looked and I became very depressed for a long time. I isolated myself from people and it caused me to self harm at one point. I realize now that I should’ve gone to see a professional to talk about how I was feeling, but I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t think they would understand. After a while, I started to shove myself back into the feminine-aligned box that everyone assigned to me, but it made me feel much worse than before. I repressed one of the most beautiful parts of myself because I was constantly being invalidated and ignored. I had a relationship for a while in my junior year, but I ended up falling back into a heteronormative mindset. I ended my relationship with the person I was dating and started asking myself the hard questions about my gender again. I’m doing much better now, but I’ve come to realize that I am in fact trans and genderfluid. I struggle the most with chest dysphoria and deciding on if I want to get top surgery at some point. There are still a lot of painful moments every day when I get dressed or hearing my parents calling me “she” instead of “they”, but I now use art as an outlet for how I was feeling. I still plan to see a therapist about all of this, but I need a fresh start and some space from my family for a while. Something I constantly think about is how awfully I treated myself when I was starting to struggle with all of this. If I could meet my younger self from middle school, I would apologise, give them a hug, and send them to therapy. If I’ve learned one thing from all of this, it’s to give myself grace.

1) Over the years that made up the end of middle school and the beginning of high school, I really started to grapple with my gender identity. I almost never talked about it with anyone or explained how I was feeling, but it was and still is a struggle. A moment that I think about frequently is when I tried to buy a binder. I identify as genderfluid and trans masculine, but I’m also very visibly female. I often feel intense chest dysphoria to the point that it affects my self esteem. During the summer between 8th grade and freshman year, I went to a trusted friend at the time for some guidance. I understand now that I should’ve gone to a specialized therapist to talk about how I was feeling, but I didn’t want to tell my parents about what was going on with me. My friend and I talked about it for weeks and I decided that I wanted to ask my parents to help me buy a binder online. The conversation that took place didn’t go well at all and it ended up making me feel worse than I had before. I understand that my parents were and still are worried about the effects of wearing a binder, but their response to what I was asking for made me feel invalidated and hurt. Some time passed since the conversation with my parents and I decided to try buying a binder on my own. Looking back on what I did, there was a much better way to go about it, but I felt like I needed to do it. I eventually got caught, but that experience taught me that people won’t always listen, even if I do need help and that’s okay. I’ve learned to be more self-reliant since then and I plan to come out to my parents once I go to college, but I owe it to myself to feel comfortable. My parents and grandfather are the only family that I’m close with and they do love and accept many parts of who I am, but gender fluidity and the trans experience aren’t things they understand. As I start to prepare for college and become an adult, I have some anxiety around being accepted for who I am. Especially with the current climate and the way people view transness, I am constantly aware that I have to be careful. I do view myself being transgender as an amazing thing. While there is a very present struggle for many transgender individuals including myself, I think there is something beautiful about existing outside of the gender norm and expressing that in an infinite number of ways. For me, I express that through my art and the way I dress. Many trans, genderfluid, and gender non-conforming people use clothing and fashion to feel comfortable. I always enjoy being around other queer people and seeing how colorful everyone is. I feel that queer and trans joy are often overlooked in conversations, even within our own community. There are times when I still worry that I’m not enough or won’t fit anywhere, but I realized that it’s much healthier to “take personal stock” as my father often says and give myself a break. I tried for so long to shrink myself for others, but that always ends up bringing me more stress and pain than it’s worth. I now know that it’s okay to just be instead of trying to change myself for other people. 2) I’m currently enrolled at California State University East Bay for next year. I’ve known for a long time that I want to pursue art as a career. I hope to learn how to be a better graphic designer while at college and eventually design album covers. Learning how to run my own business is also something I look forward to. I already have positive examples of successful small businesses owners in my life, like my mother and other family members. My goal is to continue to make beautiful art while also being able to provide for myself. I also hope to have a permanent gallery someday for both my artwork and other aspiring artists.