I truly don’t know where to start I have had several close family members to pass away recently. So, let’s start at the beginning my grandmother Anderson battled with an autoimmune disease for many years. Ultimately, she had to be flight lifted to a hospital where while in the air they placed her on life support which she did not want she had a verbal advance directive that every family member was aware however, the family was convinced by the Dr. that she could live after a few days on life support. After five days on life support doctors decided to wean her off. They tried for several days to get her weaned off however every person that came into her room caused her heart rate and blood pressure to skyrocket except for me. Therefore, the obligation feels to me I was blessed yet cursed. Because, for five hours I stood there alone holding my grandmother’s hand, stroking her hair, and talking to her calmly listening to every heartbreaking beep, and alarm go off around us watching her and the monitors so closely not really knowing what I was even looking at or looking for. After what seemed like an eternity, she successfully came off of life support. For a short moment we had a glimmer of hope and as a family we were joyful in thinking that she was going to be ok. That joy quickly turned into sorrow she never woke up and she passed away in the early hours of the next morning. While still grieving a few short months later I received a phone call while working at the hospital that my grandma New had suffered from cardiac failure and had been admitted to ICU where I was working. She was on a ventilator in ICU we stayed there a solid week never going further than the waiting room even to sleep. she passed away on day 7. Heartbroken and trying to heal Six short months later my phone rang it was my mother, she was screaming and crying. I said “mom slow down what’s wrong?” She screamed “Dallas is dead!” He once walked into a mental health facility at 27 years old and begged for help. Because of the way the system works they turned him away because, he had no insurance. He self-medicated for many years always moving on to the next best drug in order to even cope. He was in and out of prison/jail where he was treated while and inmate, but they offered no after care. Always, going right back to the only coping mechanism that he knew worked, drugs. His daughter had been trying reach him, for 5 days she called the police. I arrived shortly after and the police officer said it was an apparent drug overdose. I never got to see his body. The had a closed casket where his body was inside in a bag because they said he was slime. I feel like I never got to say goodbye a year and a half we have never been given the autopsy report. Five months later my first cousin David Anderson this man was the funniest, most caring, hardworking, father and husband. He always had a joke and a smile on his face I literally never seen him in a mood! I was at work and my phone rang it was my baby sister she was crying she said “LeAnna, Crockett is dead he shot himself!” Crockett was David’s nickname. The police finished their investigation, it turns out he committed suicide. Unlike my uncle I did get to see his body but I also got to see his gunshot wound; I don’t know what one was worse! Mental illness runs deep in my family I also suffer from clinical depression, anxiety with panic attack disorder. I can’t even begin to tell you how this it has all affected me because there's not a part of my life it doesn't affect. I did seek help I have a psychiatrist I am medicated now. I’m so much better now! My uncle and my cousin both desperately needed mental help and nobody knew how bad it was they hid it so well. Mental health awareness what I want most is for the stigma surrounding mental illnesses to stop. I would love to be able to say I also suffer from mental illness and yet I batted mental illness while being a mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister and, aunt who was able to work hard towards a degree! I am the first in my family, in fact the only in my family to even try! Mental illness does not define me and it shouldn’t shame anyone either!