“Hm, tonight isn’t very busy, I doubt anyone else is going to show up,” I thought as I sat waiting for customers. What I meant was “I hope no one shows up as don’t think I’ll be able to properly communicate with them: I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.” My anxiety was extreme tonight and I wasn't sure if I could manage it for five more hours.
Suddenly, a huge group of people began to make their way to the front window. My hands started shaking, my stomach started turning, and I began to chew the inside of my mouth without even realizing it. Making the situation worse, my coworker kept bothering me. I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just froze. When the crowd finally reached the window I knew I had to talk with them to give them their tickets. I had some trouble getting my words out at first, but then, surprisingly, I let out a confident “Hello! How many?”
I repeated this statement about ten times as collected money and handed out tickets. I felt good until I began to overthink. Questions such as “did I charge them correctly” or “did I give them the right amount of change?” raced through my mind. I felt fear, anger, and embarrassment.
Finally, after working another night of pure terror from my mind, I went home. I lay in my bed to relax my body. My mind, however, never took a break. My last thought before closing my eyes to sleep was “tonight was enough human interaction for the rest of this year, or maybe even forever."
Human interaction is not the easiest of tasks when you have anxiety. Growing up, people have always considered me shy, anti-social, and even rude because I didn’t like meeting or talking with new people. I heard these statements so much I began to believe them: I thought I was just a shy person who didn’t like talking to people.
These thoughts made me feel like I would never be successful, that I was unlovable, and that I was not a normal person. In fact, I began to lose my faith. I hated these feelings more than anxiety alone. I constantly felt drained and I never wanted to do anything. I never wanted to see anyone, including my closest friends an family.
Eventually, though, I began to understand that I had an actual problem or disorder. Ironically, this realization caused more anxiety. I discussed this with my mom and she suggested that I talk with my doctor. So, I did.
My doctor has always been a nice woman, but I was still uneasy about talking to a stranger about my problems. I wasn't too sure what to say so I said: "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't like talking to new people or doing new things. When I do, I get nervous, so much so that the inside of my mouth is nearly completely torn away."
The doctor listened carefully, taking notes with a sincere look on her face. She turned to me and said, "Lauren, what you're feeling is severe anxiety. It sounds like you may be experiencing depression as well. Do not worry, though, this can be treated with medicine."
I was relieved, but also surprised. How long did I go thinking that I was just a rude person who didn't like new people? Also, the depression makes since because I always feel so drained and down in the dumps. I was thankful that I could finally be treated for the feelings I was having.
Now, almost a year later, I am doing much, much better. I still experience anxiety sometimes, but it is not nearly as bad as it used to me. I feel that I can enjoy life as a "normal person." I wish that I did not have to take medicine, but I'm also grateful that I have it. I spend quality time with my family and friends now, as well as spending time with myself.
I now know the importance of treating the feelings I experience. I understand that mental health is a real, life altering thing that needs to be properly managed. I believe everyone should have access to mental health care, even if that means to simply talk about their feelings.
All in all, mental health issues, no matter how major, should be taken care of. After my experiences, I know the vitality of getting the proper help. Always remember to put yourself first, especially when it comes to your health.