In December 2019, I almost lost my son at the end of twenty-eight hours of labor. His heart rate plummeted into what they called severe variable decelerations because I had a placental abruption. I'm incredibly thankful have a two year old who is so full of life because of the skill of our care team. I am eternally grateful for each one of them. In the rest of this essay, I'll explain how they impacted my life and made me even more determined to become a nurse. At the end of a very long and exhausting labor, I heard the sound of my son's heartbeat turn into a sobering random thump on the monitors. As quickly as the alarms started going off, my room was full of medical staff ready to bring him into the world emergently. I was terrified as the charge nurse stood over me and told me that we had to get him out now. The vibration in the room turned from happy to desperate as his heart rate continued to drop into the 60's with no recovery. I glanced at the monitor and knew that my son was in trouble. There wasn't an open OR so I had to deliver with the assistance of a very skilled obstetrician, NICU staff and nurses in the room. I can still hear the urgency in all of their voices as they told me to push as hard as I could. I remember one nurse looking at the doctor, the doctor nodding her head; and then the nurse getting on the bed and pushing on the top of my belly and downward as I pushed. The doctor was on the bed, and there was a nurse that was focused just on me. I could see the fear in their eyes as they all yelled out to push as hard as I could. After four minutes and quite a bit of help, I delivered my son. I expected to hear the sound of a tiny little cry, but instead there was the coldest and most terrifying silence anyone could ever experience. A nurse took the blanket off of my belly and there was nothing. My family looked stunned and my mother was able to come stand next to me and hold my hand and comfort me as I literally lost it. I was screaming and in tears asking for my son. I didn't know until a few moments later that my son was in dire need of resuscitation, as was I. This is where my the start of my son's life became a happy miracle. It took the NICU and Respiratory Therapy twenty long minutes to resuscitate my son, but they did everything they had to do for him. Although it still makes me sad that his first experience with care was a nurse instead of me, I am so thankful for Nicole. I will never forget her name or her face. She worked tirelessly on my son and cried with me when she brought him to me. She talked to my baby while she was working on him and told him that his mama was there. She allowed my husband to touch our son and my family to talk to him. When my son was readmitted for jaundice, his nurse cried because she got to come over from the PICU and got to see a healthy child. When I think of nurses, I think of angels and heros. To me, it would be the highest honor to join the ranks of people who are capable of performing miracles.

MJ is more than a friend to everyone he meets, he’s family. He’s seen us through the best times in life, as well as the worst over the last 12 years. My favorite thing about him is how much he loves my kids. He’s always by their side ready to snuggle up. When I was pregnant with my two year old, he always laid next to me with his paw on my belly. I don’t know what we ever did to deserve our dog, but I’m so thankful we have him!

My son is currently in jail, facing a life sentence. He was arrested on January 27, 2021. The last time I talked to him before his arrest was during the early afternoon of that day. I asked him if I could call him back because I was in class. I wish I would’ve stayed on the phone. My son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and mania. I don’t believe he was capable of understanding what was happening that day. This situation has impacted my life in the most incomprehensible ways. It brings a type of pain and desperation that I would never wish on another soul. My life has become about visits behind bulletproof glass, longing for a hug from my child, rumination around what I could’ve done differently, laying awake paralyzed by fear of what lies ahead, and trying to learn to coexist with grief. I look at pictures of my son when he was growing up, then I look at my one year old and think of how his brother was as a baby. My heart is constantly breaking while I try to keep my head above water for my kids. I stayed in all of my classes as they were a welcomed distraction. I gave my best until I couldn’t cope by way of distraction anymore and ended up seeing my doctor to get referrals for counseling. My grief hasn’t stopped me from getting my education though. It’s just changed my vision. I find myself torn between social work and nursing because having a healty mind and happy soul is just as important as being physically well. I’ve joined a network of participatory defense so that I can leave no stone unturned. I’ve started to research about how adverse childhood experiences impact a person’s life. I’ve learned to advocate for mental health, for my child and I’ve started researching assembly bills that might help. There is no choice other than to keep going because I cannot sit here stuck in debilitating grief. I’m hopeful that my future involves being a true advocate for people and helping suffering souls find a way out of the darkness. No matter what comes, I will always be there for my son and he’ll never know the pain of being abandoned. I just pray that he gets another chance.

What I value most about myself is that I have unshakable morals and values. I believe in empathy, kindness, compassion, humility and integrity. It’s important to me to live by my values because the world needs love and people to provide healing. The world needs people to stand firm in their word, even in the face of adversity. Whether it’s at work, in the community or any other setting, integrity is who a person is. I believe in always doing the right thing, even when there is no reward and when nobody is watching. It is important to be honest, unshakable and dependable, especially with one’s self. I will never sit back quietly or become a part of a problem when a living being would be left to suffer the consequences. I am a person who can put myself in the shoes of another and try to walk beside them, meeting them where they are. I find it quite easy to look at a person and be kind, no matter what. I don’t like to see people hurting and suffering, and I will always do my very best to be the person who was a friend. I never want to be the reason a person feels bad about themselves. I want to be the reason they feel empowered, emboldened, and valuable as a person. Kindness is something we all have to offer to the world around us. Whether it’s a simple smile, thanking someone for holding a door, or giving a compliment, kindness has a ripple affect on the world. Everyone wants to make a huge difference in the world on a grand scale. I am happy with starting small because each life touched with kindness creates a chance for change. Humility is an important value to me because I believe that people should be good because it’s who they are, not because it brings notariety. Being humble goes hand in hand with being kind, compassionate and empathetic. We never know when we might find ourselves in the position of needing help, so it’s important to remember that nobody is perfect and we’re all just doing the very best we can. I believe that my life journey will always involve me wanting to advocate for people and help them to heal. As a person who’s family is impacted by mass incarceration and mental health diagnoses, I would like to use my education and voice to make a difference in that area. The statistics on mental health and incarceration are staggering, numbing, and angering. People deserve a chance and to have a voice. They deserve to heal and recover, and to have their stories heard with empathy and compassion. People are more than their mistakes. I also plan to further my education and become a Nurse Practitioner and Certified Nurse Midwife. My goal will be to help end gaps in care and disparities in healthcare for underserved groups. It’s sad that certain women are more likely to have adverse outcomes in prenatal care and delivery, especially surrounding preeclampsia. If I don’t get into nursing school, I want to become a social worker. In that role, I plan to specialize in child welfare or corrections. Those are two areas close to my heart and where I see the most change is needed. I will always do the right thing and give my best to people who need it the most.

Seeing my babies for the first time is the most beautiful and profound memory I have. Hearing their first cries was earth shattering in the most beautiful way. There is nothing more miraculous than meeting the absolute love of your life and knowing they’re your gift to keep. Watching a child grow and develop is the sweetness in life. Their first steps, learning how to talk and the bright eyes full of hope are nothing short of a miracle. Being a mother has been my greatest happiness. Moments with my kids are my favorite memories.

My experience with overcoming adversity stems from my experience as both a victim and survivor of severe domestic violence. I met my ex-boyfriend and the father of most of my children in high school. We were best friends and I never imagined that he would turn into my weakness, my downfall, and in the end, my reason for rising up and becoming who I am today. I'm thankful for being able to build my character, learn who I really am, and learn what I want in life by way of this very painful lesson. The abuse began when I was twenty-eight weeks pregnant with our first child. My ex assaulted me physically and I had to go to Labor and Delivery to ensure that my son was okay. He promised me that he was incredibly sorry and that he would never put his hands on me again. Foolishly, I believed him, and for a while, it was true. Shortly after our son was born, mental and financial abuse became the form of violence I was subjected to. When that didn't work, it escalated to severe and dangerous physical abuse that lasted for seven years. Over the years, I had to make several trips to the hospital to assess my injuries, which on occasion were "just" black eyes, busted lips that required stitches, or on a more severe occasion, a fractured orbital bone in my face. I was controlled by violence and fear and when I was in the presence of medical professionals or the officers who came to take pictures of my injuries, I felt safe. We stayed in many shelters. The one I'll always remember is where my life changed. We were granted a three-month stay. We were in the shelter on Thanksgiving and one of the Davis, California Fire Departments came to spend the holiday with the shelter residents and cook for all of us. I felt like a human being that was worthy of kindness, I felt like my kids mattered and we had a beautiful day being taken care of. Again, I felt safe and went to sleep that night feeling the joy of compassion. Over time, I was able to find a job at a Nursing Home and was permitted to leave for work as long as I was within the designated curfew. The shelter agency arranged for a Crisis Nursery to watch my kids while I worked to get on my feet. When we moved into our apartment, the shelter and Crisis Nursery donated clothes, furniture, and part of our deposit. My boss knew about our situation and arranged for the VFW to bring Christmas to my kids. After being broken down, dehumanized, hurt and broken for so long, people who showed kindness and compassion made me realize that I wasn't all of the horrible things that years of abuse and hostility made me believe I was This brings me to my goal of becoming a Nurse. I believe that my most painful experiences have taught me empathy, compassion, and how to truly care for people. I've learned that I want to be the reason someone knows they're worth more than their worst circumstances and that they're deserving of warmth and human kindness. To me, Nurses encompass all of the above. My goal is to complete the BSN program I was accepted into and become a Labor and Delivery Nurse or an Emergency Room Nurse. Those were the areas of Nursing that changed my life and I want to pay every kindness and good deed forward to those who need me.