My father was one of the most influential and prominent figures in my life. As a stay-at-home dad, he was dedicated to raising my baby sister and me with hopes of healing the damage caused by his own relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father. My father was courageous and strong, both mentally as a compassionate and emotional person and physically as a former NCAA champion athlete, avid gym-goer, and traveler. Most of my friends knew him as “Coach John,” because he always coached my sports teams. To many who were not even blood-related, he was “Uncle John,” a man who was always making others laugh and offering support. He was important in the lives of my friends, the community, and our family. My father was a very complex person. He struggled with his mental health, working through the trauma from his upbringing while trying to balance the needs of his family. Sometimes he would be very angry at us, and sometimes he would isolate himself from us because of the symptoms of his depression. However, I never expected that one day, his mental illness would win. As I went out the door on the morning of Tuesday, October 11th, 2022, I shouted a quick “I love you” to my father in the house, but I was met with silence. Conflict was becoming more of a daily occurrence, and everyone was still reeling from a fight that occurred the night before. I was a little worried, but I thought things would go back to normal. Besides, I had to focus on school. It was my junior year of high school and I, like many other students, was juggling multiple AP classes, clubs, testing, and college preparations for the first time. Although each day was exhausting and difficult, school was an escape from my sometimes troubling home life, and I put tremendous stress on myself to maintain exceptional grades and please my family. After finishing my AP Biology class, I headed to AP Language and Composition. I glanced down at my phone and saw dozens of missed notifications from our doorbell security app. My stomach churned when I opened the app to find police officers at our front door. When I was finally able to listen to the audio at lunch, I heard my mom’s shaking voice and felt nauseous. I began crying, still unsure of what exactly was happening. My father had taken his life at our house. The week that followed was an emotional blur. I distracted myself to avoid confronting unanswered questions and complex feelings. Because my identity revolved around academic achievement, I decided to go back to school the following Monday. Although I graduated as a valedictorian, I was unhappy and disconnected. School wasn’t the same distraction it used to be. I began to prioritize my mental health, taking days off to work on processing my grief, anxiety, and depression. My family and I had difficult but important conversations about how Dad had affected us in negative and positive ways. Over time, my lack of motivation to do anything was healed by my newfound passion and appreciation for everything. Losing my father gave me the drive to fight for what I realized was a life still full of hope, love, and beauty. Part of my ongoing process for healing has been focusing on the small things that ground me. One of those things has been reliving happy memories by playing video games. From a young age, I loved drawing and creating stories. My dad and I would often escape into other worlds together by playing video games. It wasn’t until after his suicide that I realized how much safety and happiness these stories and adventures brought me, and how much they allowed me to connect with him. Through my journey over the past 18 months, I have realized that I want to create experiences that bring others the same safety and contentment. I want to foster connection and passion among an increasingly isolated and lost generation of young people. I would also like to serve as a role model for other girls, encouraging them to follow their passions into industries that need more diversity. I remind myself daily that I owe it to myself, the people around me, and my dad to keep pushing and fighting. My loss ignited a spark in me to not only reevaluate my life, but invest in myself, using my passions to build positive experiences for other people. Thank you to Cat Zingano and all those involved for creating this scholarship as a way to support struggling young people who desire an education after experiencing hardship. I appreciate you for taking the time to read this essay.

For much of my life, I felt unsure about what my future would hold. When I lost my dad to suicide during my junior year of high school, my future became even more unsteady and confusing. As part of my coping and grieving process, I turned to hobbies and activities that had previously brought me comfort and connected me to other people, especially my dad. Two activities in particular were playing video games and creating art, taking inspiration from and finding beauty in nature. Getting lost in a beautiful, imaginary world with a friend or family member allowed me to break away from the stresses of the real world, and find stability in a predictable strategy game, exciting storyline, or stunning animated landscape. More importantly, I was spending time with someone important to me, bonding through humorous or frightening experiences in the game. Reconnecting and replaying these games allowed me to accept my past, relive good memories, and have new experiences. I have realized that this is my passion: storytelling, creating, experiencing, and taking inspiration from the gorgeous world around us to create experiences that inspire and connect others in the same way I experienced. I have recently graduated from high school as a Valedictorian with a 4.95 weighted GPA and a 4.0 unweighted GPA, as well as an academic record of straight As. I have completed eight AP classes and have received 5s on the exams that have been graded. In addition, I have been part of multiple clubs, like Key Club and Hope Squad, while tutoring my peers in Japanese. Throughout my educational career I have also been honored to receive a number of awards, such as the English, World Language, and Science Departments’ Student of the Month awards, the World Language Department’s Student of the Year award, and more. In 2024, I will attend Northern Arizona University (NAU). At NAU, I look forward to studying the artistic and technological aspects of digital game development and design. I will be majoring in Immersive Media and Games to tap into my many passions, with the goal of creating experiences and telling stories that help provide entertainment, inspiration, and an escape for another person, especially another young girl, who may need something to ground them. After earning a bachelor’s degree, and developing related skills, there are many paths I could follow with my academic qualifications, work ethic, and creativity. These include working with a larger gaming company on popular game franchises, working as an independent game developer, and possibly consulting or pitching ideas for concept art, characters, plot, and more. I know it will take a lot of hard work and time, but I am excited to figure out what I want to specialize in as I learn more and map out my next steps. This scholarship will allow me flexibility and clarity in a variety of ways. By receiving financial assistance for my education, I will be better able to focus on my education and work part-time, as opposed to having to balance a full-time job and my classes. This will reduce my stress, improve my mental health, and allow me to retain my creativity and inspiration. It will also reduce the impact on my family. Throughout my life–particularly after I lost my dad–my mom has been my biggest supporter. Earning money through this scholarship is extremely important to me because it would mean that she wouldn’t have to worry about my college costs as much, reducing the financial strain. I would be a great investment for this scholarship, and I hope you will consider me.

In the fall of my Junior year, during second-period English, my phone started to vibrate wildly with notifications from the Ring Doorbell at my house. I decided to quickly glance at the app to see why there was an unexpected increase in activity. Upon opening the app, I saw three police officers through the camera, standing at our door in full uniform. I analyzed the clip for clues because I couldn’t listen to the audio. As the day went on, I continued to scour the video and view the live camera, with each review of the footage squeezing my chest. At lunch, I finally sat down and listened. I felt my heart plunge violently into my stomach as I heard my mother’s strained sobs over the camera’s microphone, crying, “he’s upstairs.” That day, my father took his life while my 13-year-old sister and I were at school. Even though I lacked proof at the time, I knew, deep down, what had happened. I felt in my gut that my life had just changed forever. From then on, everything that was previously stable began to shift. I felt numb and experienced not only depression and worsening anxiety, but also anger, grief, guilt, and confusion. I lost motivation for school and daily activities, and I struggled to find a passion for the things that were once important to me. I began to question everything that I knew about my father and myself. Over time, however, my priorities became clear. I went to therapy, took time off from school, and prioritized my mental and physical health. Ultimately, I invested in and showed kindness to myself, finally taking time for my hobbies, friends, family, and personal well-being. I began to value my life and time as a precious asset, differing from my past self tremendously. My friends, who I had only met a few years ago, were loyal and supportive. They often stopped by my house, texted, and called to make sure I was okay. They brought me meaningful gifts, like plushies, journals, and treats, and included me in various activities. They showed me kindness, patience, and understanding as I grieved, staying by me while I struggled. My teachers and counselors were also incredibly kind, and I remember how flexible, cooperative, and caring they were and still are. They excused assignments to lighten my workload, advocated for my time off, helped me catch up, and acknowledged how I worked hard despite my struggles, which encouraged me to keep pushing. My mom and baby sister, who experienced this alongside me, were compassionate, understanding, and extremely kind when I struggled, even if they were also in pain. All of these people showed me unwavering kindness and support, which had a profound impact on my healing journey and allowed me to grow stronger. I am forever grateful to them. Sometimes the loss feels like it did on that Tuesday in October: surreal and hard to accept. I lost my dad, someone who had been a major part of my life and whom I loved dearly. But from this terrible experience, I grew closer to the people in my life. I have learned about myself, and I continue to learn and heal each day. If you compared me now and me from two years ago, you would think that we were two completely different people. Even though I experienced one of my worst fears, I have worked to survive, grow, love, and thrive in the face of loss thanks to the kindness of the people around me.