Legacy is a bitter thought to me. Most of the legacies left behind by people are not great and yet some, myself included, crave a legacy where we are remembered positively. What makes it bitter is the fact that very often, the legacy I crave is very often a legacy where I'm perfect. It is a legacy that aspires to make me push mountains, save millions, be what everyone wants to be, the hero of a story. Part of that is probably impacted by my upbringing. I came up not quite poor, but definitely not at all wealthy. A single father working a back breaking warehouse job, that was my sole provider. A hard working father for sure but, a deeply bitter one, and as I've aged we've drifted because he's become more hostile, more angry, more upset. When my step mom came into my life, she herself was already bitter, angry, and upset. The constant bitterness and fighting in my house has influenced that feeling of wanting a legacy. I want to be remembered as more than someone who is bitter herself, someone who is angry at her parents and at the world for the struggle she's put up with. The cycle of being bitter, back breaking labor to scrap by, those influencing the absolutely terrible taste in my mouth that craving a legacy brings, that cycle needs to be broken. To break that cycle I want to just be happy for others, and pursue a degree in computer science. I want to use that degree to make games, mostly, and make other people happy like they deserve to be. I want to break the cycle of my life, of the bitterness, by giving myself something to achieve beyond a dead end job, and making everyone happier, or at the very least ,some people happier and more empathetic. What I truly want to do is stop craving legacy, I want to live without any thought of it. To go a day where I don't worry what people think of me when I'm gone. The bitter taste is something that isn't healthy, it isn't good, so to get this degree, pursue that dream, I sincerely hope that I can break that cycle. Rather than working in a hot warehouse, being angry with everyone because I don't know how to better project it. To channel that anger, to know that I can make things better, that is how I intend to break the cycle. Legacy is a bitter thought, because of what legacy is. To lay awake at night wondering what my children, should I have them, think of me, to lay awake wondering if all that I do isn't worthwhile. That I work a dead end job, a loveless life. That is a cycle I intend to break, to make legacy something I don't have to think about, and to live happily. To make others happy, that is what I want to do to break the cycle, to stop worrying about that bitter thought of legacy.

Before I was transgender I was a fairly wretched person. I understood in abstract that other people had struggles, but I didn't care in the slightest. It was a them problem, whereas I, Mr. Cis White Guy was doing fine and sympathized but wouldn't actually do anything to help. Things changed a little when I had gotten a girlfriend, who herself was trans, but that change only really meant helping her, not other people besides her. Then one day I saw an image of a character, and felt such an intense sense of envy. At first I was confused, but I very rapidly realized, I wanted to look like her. That realization at first kept me in my confused state, then it made me start to think a lot. Talking with my girlfriend some, alongside some personal thought, I realized I was trans. Then I started to come out to people, and most were very supportive, partially as I was very selective. I also started to look into the lives of other trans people, and realized, very quickly, that I was lucky to not be in the hellish conditions many of them were with their families or communities. That moment made me relish, very deeply, my position. And after relishing my position I had a Come to Jesus moment, that I could be helping those people, that we shared something, and I wasn't. After that point I started working more and more with my friends, acting both as a counselor and a support beam. I also acted as the 'suicide hotline' for a few of them, who refused, at times, to actually get help in some areas despite my best efforts. Those experiences changed me too, initially I was just looking out for other trans women, but I quickly started to look out for everyone who needed to be looked out for. The experience of being trans, and helping others, also influenced my career goals. In the Abstract, I always wanted to make video games. Though, in spite of that want, I also doubted myself constantly and was fairly certain I wouldn't even attend college. It was an adverse industry, I wasn't that helpful, things like that. Realizing I was trans, and spending much more of my time helping others, made me realize I am actually able to accomplish things that require high effort. And more importantly it gave me a support network of my own, which I could share what I've made and be expressive to without any fear or discomfort. That boost of confidence, alongside entering a program my school was offering for computer science, rapidly switched up what I had my life plans for. Something I simply enjoyed, making games, rapidly became something I could see as a viable career. Ever since I was little, video games were my beloved, but now I have the actual confidence to do it. It is a beautiful medium, with experiences that have both made me cry, feel triumph, and feel pain. The experience of having others feel what I feel, because of what I have created, is a feeling that I have come to absolutely love. The ability to express ideas, or to simply bring a few brief moments of joy, is one of my highest of highs, and knowing that I can use this ability to help others as I always try to gives me a fire. Ultimately, I have created games before, but nothing major. They are fun experiences, which people have loved, but they aren't deep and they don't get you really thinking, just feeling some forms of joy. They do not explore what I want to explore. So as a result, I made the decision that I am going to go to college, something I stubbornly refused the thought of most of my life. I intend to use the skills learned in college, in computer science as a field, to allow me either a well paying job so that I may have the comfort and time to make games, or should I dream, working at a studio full time. I even have several friends I am in contact with, and in the most ideal world, we might found a workers co-op in Richmond, Virginia, dedicated to making video games. Ultimately, being trans has changed me, deeply and fundamentally. I've learned empathy, I've learned passion, and I have learned a deep sense of pride and worth. Living is harsh for many, but knowing that I have a skill which can allow others to find solace, to connect, and to feel joy drives me to push forward, to help them, and to help everyone. Being trans helped me realize what it meant to be good, and what it meant to do good.