My name is Landen, and in my sophomore year of high school I was diagnosed with having a congenital coronary arterial cameral fistula, or simply I was born with a heart defect. I lived life normally up until then, ignoring the symptoms that less than a percent of the population may even be able to sympathize - I shrugged it off as normal. After I gained awareness, I gained more consciousness of each irregular rhythm and skipped beat of my heart worsening with every night. The feelings in my chest instilled paranoia unto what became the sleepless nights that meddled my vigorous school load and threatened me endlessly. I learned to be conscious of my mortality, to specifically never waste a second I'm alive. I have always been a strong-willed and stubborn kid, even while I could feel symptomatic before my diagnosis I'd ignore it and continue to compete for first place. Whether that be for a soccer tournament, a school relay, or for a scouting event - I always tried to come out on top and show my strength and determination. I channeled that energy into my academics when I went into high school, but that energy started dwindling when I fainted during class and had an ambulance called for me. The energy I had stayed with me even after then, even after countless visits to different pediatricians and cardiologists, I was still my stubborn self. Going forward, I kept being myself, although I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was becoming daunted and setback from episodes of tachycardic hysteria during important nights. I would cry those nights, often to sleep. I would stay up with teary eyes thinking about the life, the friends, the experiences I'd never feel if I never woke up after a fainting episode or if a skipped heartbeat permanently stalled. I was mortified. From those nights, I taught myself the importance of living while I can, I didn't wanna waste a moment of my life being sad or bored. Even if my condition isn't as life-threatening as the other many scary diseases that haunt thousands of millions of people, I was still scared. I received surgery back in February and I no longer feel the same sensations in my chest, although now I'm on Clopidigrel blood thinning medication which provides a new worry for me. My pre-surgery mindset continued on, I started doing things people shouldn't be doing on that medication or that have a heart condition. I went to amusement parks to ride roller coasters, I started working out, I went to a sauna, I skateboard, and I do so many other things that I probably shouldn't be doing nor would I like to even tell my doctor - but my mindset is stable. I want to enjoy life, I refuse to be let down by my own shortcomings.

I recognize faith as having a portion of influence on many areas of knowledge. Spirituality exists in many different forms, overall to bring understanding to the "unknown" or "uncertain" of our plane of existence that cannot be solved by postulation. Unlike math and the sciences, which can be solved through experimentation and like-minded approaches, spirituality isn't as easy to approach. Questions spirituality ask are usually the ones science and arithmetic fail to answer. Math and science are one in the same, while representing different parts of logic/investigation, their interplay is dramatic and important to any conclusion in either field. Whether one would consider spirituality a figment of knowledge that can be distinguished from the body (in terms of the soul and its story) or rather any form of faith/belief, the field's relationship to math and science doesn't change. Where math and science fail to answer is in the study of what there is to divinity, where there is no theorem or expression that can fully justify pieces of the puzzle. There was an experiment run by a scientist named Donald MacDougalle who attempted an experiment in 1909 to find the existence of the human soul, and to quantify it's weight. He arrived at the conclusion that the soul weighed "21 Grams," after a subject was killed and had dropped in weight accordingly, granted only one subject out of six exhibited this post-mortem weight loss the scenario went on to become a science-fiction phenomenon that I stumbled across and became interested in. Dr. MacDougalle was trying to use science and math as a bridge to answer a question left only in the speculative field of spirituality, I believe his tactics were an important part of any skeptic's mind towards the existence of higher beings. I perceive spirituality as a sector of human understanding that is impossible to irrefutably prove, however, advancements in science and math act as a bridge of discovery within this sector and provide the light of truth to shed some possible answers to humanity's unsolvable questions. "Where do we go when we die," "Is fate preordained," "are souls real," are all example questions in the set of humanities unsolvable questions. The example I have provided with the 21 Grams experiment is a small example of humanities attempts to construct the bridge of understanding between the studies of the understandable world to the "unknown" world, this bridge extends even further than data obtained through experimentation, through the lens of theoretical physics and other further analytical strategies for possible deductions on the way our universe functions. From the Big Bang Theory to String Theory, the described connection between the three subjects of this essay is coherent all throughout. Works Cited: Joe Schwarez, "The Real Story of the '21 Grams,'" McGill Offices For Science and Society, June 19, 2019

“You cannot say the word ‘probability’ without limitation... You must accept that you are the person here, now, and that you cannot become anyone else other than that person.” - Higuchi, The Tatami Galaxy The Tatami Galaxy is my favorite show, and the exchange that happens with the unnamed protagonist of the show and a graduating student named Higuchi struck me as vitally important to personal drive. The protagonist is an unnamed underclassmen student who is stuck in a time loop to repeat his university years, unknowingly living many lives as he desperately chases the "Rose-Colored" campus life that the show intends to portray as unobtainable. While the quote is negative, declaring that a person will only ever be who they are, the intended message is meant to be positive. Higuchi is advising to keep your feet on the ground, look inside to see who you really are, and walk forward to live a life that suits what is realistic. Maybe you will never become a dancer, a singer, or a superhero, there is a possibility, but you cannot move forward in life counting on a single possibility, a single changeable action in the past, to get your wish. The real world is a mix of all the colors, it is never just a beautiful red or a serene green - it is a vomit brown of love, death, and disappointment. Although the real world is darker than desired you can still splash on the warm colors to make it a better place, first you must realize who you are in a sea of insurmountable tints and shades. I am myself, I am some kid with a defective heart and big eyes for a dream too big, but I am also the most stubborn kid ever crossed. I'll make myself a goal and I'll serve it myself on a silver plate, through teary nights and bruised skin, I'll show others that a difference doesn't come down to intellect or strength - it comes down to determination. I know who I am, and because of that, I know who I will become. From there all that's left is to run forward, I'll paint my world the color I want and make a splatter visible from space.