I was in my first year of nursing school when my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Parkinsons', and Prostate cancer. He is the reason that I even was able to go to college as he started a fund for me when I was a little girl and although it didn't cover it completely it was a start. He had visited a memory care facility that he thought was okay, he agreed to move there and told my parents as well as my aunt & uncle that he wanted to walk across the hill to say goodbye to his cats. He loved animals and those cats were his companions. My mother was a little worried at first about him walking across the valley up the hill alone, but he was mobile and the family had taken out all sharp objects, etc. so he couldn't accidentally hurt himself. My family allowed him some time but not too long before going over to check on him. My grandfather had a moment or two of lucidness where he bought a handgun and bullets on two separate occasions that none of us knew about he had hidden. He walked home, said goodbye to his cats, loaded the gun, walked to the top of his hill driveway just enough to see that no kids/family were coming and he shot himself. This was one of the hardest moments of my life suddenly losing him and very hard to understand why at the time because I was 26 years old with kids of my own. It impacted my life in a major way, I learned very strongly that time is not controllable, it is not infinite, and you never know if you will get tomorrow or not. It taught me to live like there is no tomorrow, to follow my dreams, if it scares me then do it anyway, and reach as high as I can in everything I do in life. It taught me to encourage my children to do the same and gave me a very good perspective on depression/suicide may affect people in many different ways. My grandfather was the least selfish man I knew, he worked all his life to give his money to all of his grandchildren to start college funds, and parceled out his land to give to his children. I know suicide is not good, and considered by most to be a sin, but that is one selfish moment is one that I will have to give to him because he knew his quality of life would not be good and he didn't want to suffer. It was very hard to finish my first year of nursing school but I did it and I promised myself I would keep going until he would be proud of his granddaughter. It taught me to be strong and to turn pain into motivation to better myself. It is because of him I am the first in my family to graduate college with my AAS RN, but I went on to get my BSN, and now finishing my Doctorate in nursing at Capella University. I am in the last leg of the race finishing the capstone project and having to pay for the last few terms out of pocket or be dropped from my upcoming registered classes. I promised myself and my grandfather that I will find a way to finish as well as advocate to help others in need/crisis. I now work for the VA while finishing my degree while helping to bring awareness to suicide, especially among Veterans and I love my job.