Chills. That’s what I felt when I watched Hacksaw Ridge for the first time. In the midst of absolute horror, people dying all around him, one young brave man risked his life to save his comrades who previously mocked him for not picking up a weapon. They called him “Doss the Coward.” He went on to save 75 men in enemy territory. I couldn’t believe that the movie was based on a true story. You look at all this man went through, his comrades mocked him, beat him in the middle of the night, did everything they could to make his life a living hell, and when everyone left the ridge for the American soliders to die, Desmond ran back into the line of fire to rescue his fellow brothers in arms. I think that is one of the bravest things a man can do. He didn’t care whether they bullied or beat him, he showed a level of compassion that most men can’t even dream of. His whole life he wanted to help people. And when World War II came, he decided he would do his part and served as a combat medic. He risked going to jail because he would not touch a gun. He stuck to his beliefs even when they were tested, and poured out his strength into rescuing his people. He even saved a couple of Japanese men, showing mercy and grace to his own enemy that he was fighting. What makes me tear up every time is the love he had to have had for his soldiers and his country. That he would put his own life on the line to go back up the ridge, see the terrors he saw, and have the courage to continue to return. That is what bravery is.

Tears. That’s what I remember when I think about what my life was like before Jesus. I was so insecure, desperately reaching out, trying to mold my character into anyone around me, hopelessly trying to get people to like me. I remember my pillows used to be soaking wet, and because I thought crying was weak, I sat in the dark, stuffed animals covering up my silent screams as sobs wracked through my body. You see when I didn’t know Jesus, I looked perfectly fine on the outside. But on the inside, my soul was dying. I was in the ninth grade when it happened. I went to a Halloween party. All my friends were there. We danced and ate pizza, and in the middle of our meal, one of my friends, a cross country star commented on how she was so fat. Making a joke, one of my guy friends laughed and said “Your not fat, if anything, Kylie’s fat!” I laughed along with them, but I was deeply hurt by that comment. And when I went home that night I cried myself to sleep. That’s how the slow fade started. Quarantine came and I stopped reading my bible. I was very lukewarm in my faith, and truthfully only read my Bible so I could achieve that “feel-good” feeling. None of my friends visited me, and in the haze of boring lockdowns, I decided I would get fit and come back to school skinny. I would scroll through Instagram and look at all the beautiful women who were effortlessly thin. I started working out every day and eating clean. And yet it wasn’t enough. I kept looking back at those photos and comparing them to my body in the mirror. And Satan started feeding me lies. I started having bitter thoughts. "Your nothing." A voice would tell me. "Nobody will ever love you if you look like that. Even your friends notice how huge you are." My thoughts kept circling back to what my friend had commented about me. And one day I thought to myself, "well maybe I don’t need breakfast." I started this toxic cycle of not eating for hours and hours and then eating as much food as I could, then cry over how much I hated myself. I hated myself so much. In hindsight, I still get teary-eyed as I think about how painful the memories still are. I really, deeply, and truly believed that it didn’t matter how smart I was, how beautiful I was, how kind I was, if I didn’t look like those Instagram girls I would never be enough. Every day I felt drained. I would stare off into space and contemplate why I was even here. Why did I even matter? No one really cared about me. I was ugly. I was hideous. I was ashamed. The scariest part is that I started to think about death. What was my purpose in life? What was even the point of me being here? I contemplated telling my mom I wanted to sleep in, and take as many pills as I could find, and while she was at work, I would drift away from my living hell. What changed was one day I was in my room, depressed as usual, when a song I had never heard came onto my playlist. It was a worship song. I remember listening to one of the lyrics “You’re too good to let me go.” As tears welled in my eyes I looked across my room and the sight that I saw tore into me. It was like my heart was bleeding. I saw my Bible, and it had dust on it. I hadn’t picked it up in so long dust had fallen on the cover. I remember just sobbing, reeling, that all of this pain, all of these suicidal thoughts weren’t me. That all of this hurt, this deep hurt wasn’t me. I had been told once that God loves us more than we love ourselves, but I didn’t understand until that moment how true those words were. When I wanted to die, to let go, God was still holding onto me yelling “I’M STILL HERE KYLIE! I NEVER LEFT YOU! Don’t go...” It’s been almost a year since I’ve been saved. God has shown me so many gifts and treasures, one of the biggest being the knowledge of my worth in Him. He saved me from death. Twice. That’s how Jesus changed my life.

I was introduced to chess when I was eleven years old. I remember learning about all the pieces and how they moved. I sat across from my father staring at the board while he gazed intently at the black and white tiles. Towards the end of our game, I was asked by my father which piece was the most important, and I quickly pointed at my queen and promptly informed him that the queen was by far the most important as it could move any amount of squares in any direction. I still remember the small smile he gave me. He picked up a small piece, which I recognized as a pawn, and gave me advice that I still think about to this day. “Ignorance is a silent killer,” He told me. “Most will cast the pawn aside, worrying about bigger pieces, like for instance,” He pointed to the queen. “But when all your focus is on the big pieces of the board,” He moved his pawn another tile and suddenly replaced it with his previous queen, which I’d taken earlier in the game. “You lose sight of the dangers that were right in front of you all along.” He moved his queen right in front of my king. “Check.” When presented with lots of responsibilities and options for the future, it can get easy to become distracted or overwhelmed with all of the different tasks that need to be accomplished. Chess has taught me a lot about decision making especially when it comes to my future. In chess rash decisions are unwise and in order to succeed, thorough planning is necessary. You have to think about each individual piece and the outcomes you will face if you choose to move it. This has mentality has helped me plan what my future will look like going out of high school. In my upcoming junior year, I will be attending a running start program, which means I will be earning my associate’s degree along with my diploma. I’m going to university after I graduate to earn a bachelor’s in engineering. Knowing this, I’m faced with the game of life for my next move; How will I be able to afford this? Most sophomores in high school don’t even have college on their minds, let alone what they want to do or how they’re going to pay for it. My parents can’t afford to send both my sister and I to college so I will have to come up with the funds myself. To get ahead in my career, I’ve been applying for grants and scholarships, trying to pave the way for my future. Instead of putting all of my focus on worrying about big things that are out of my control, fears like, “what if they don’t accept me?” I pay attention to what I can do right now to increase my chances of getting to where I want to go. Being a woman in the STEM field can be intimidating, just like playing chess with a good opponent can be intimidating. If I’ve learned anything in chess, it’s that it doesn’t matter how big your opponent is, your moves will speak for themselves in the end. I know there will be challenges in my career field but I also know that my drive and work ethic will do the talking for me. Life is like a game of chess in many ways, and the lessons we learn can teach us a lot about the world and ourselves. Rash decision making and deadly ignorance are important lessons, but chess can also teach us empathy, the ability to make hard choices, and the importance of insightful thinking. Life can throw a lot our way. But I am determined to be one move ahead.

I think as a kid in highschool lots of us ask ourselves how can we change the world? We see fires on T.V., political unrest, climate change ramping up, sanitation and water crises, and human trafficking at an all-time high and it can make us feel helpless as to what can we do to help anything? After all, we’re just one person. If I’ve learned anything in my 15 years of existence, it is that the ones who change history had to look beyond the obstacle of being “just one person.” There has to be an individual that stands up one day and says “Things aren’t okay. And I want to help.” Before Ben Franklin was a founding father, he had created the first volunteer fire department. Before Desmond Doss rescued seventy-five soldiers at Hacksaw Ridge, he had used his passion for medicine to save a local boy. Sometimes we forget the power of individual gifts, the ability to make friends, the boldness to advocate for a change that needs to be made, the voice that can sway people towards donating for a good cause. You don’t have to have millions of dollars to change the world. All that you need is a vision, a passion that you can’t put aside, and a little elbow grease. The thing is, locally things are pretty okay. Not that there aren’t things we can’t improve on but the fact is we have electricity, lots of food, and clean running water. The same can’t be said for the other side of the world. Hundreds of people every day are dying of bacteria found in unclean water. Children can’t have an education because they are forced to walk for miles every day, just to be able to get dirty water filled with diseases. Cholera and dysentery are common sources of death lurking in the murky water. Mothers are forced to watch their sons and daughters get sick and in a matter of hours die. A few months ago, my high schooler self would have looked at that situation too and thought, “Wow that’s heartbreaking. But what can I do? I’m just a kid.” But when my eyes were opened to the realities of the other side of the world, I just couldn’t let it go. I never realized how much water is available to me when I brush my teeth, take a shower, or wash my hands. It was then that I knew the change I wanted to see in the world was clean water being available to every person on the planet. There is an organization called Charity Water and their main goal is to implement as many wells in third-world countries as they possibly can to create hygienic water for desperate communities. They show all of the locations of wells built on Google maps and have an online website for donations. I truly think that I’ve been blessed with my way with words and persuasive speech. Every year I hold an annual Krispy Kreme fundraiser and make lots of money from my community. This year I’ve decided to raise money for a different cause. I now know the power of hope. I’m deciding to be the one who says “I want to help.” My goal is to raise eight-hundred dollars for Charity Water in hopes that my donation will help a family have clean water on the other side of the world. In the past, the most I’ve raised is three-hundred dollars, so I will have to advocate to a much broader audience but I’m willing to step out of my comfort zone to make a lasting impact for years to come for another community. A lot of us want to see a change made in the world. The question is are we ready to get up and start making a difference to change it? I am just one person. But I won’t stop fighting until no mother watches her child die of diseases found in polluted water. Until no father clutches his brother as he feels helpless in his situation. Until every family on this planet gets access to sanitary water. And this is how a high school kid is going to change the world.