This is hard to talk about. However, it is a massive factor in my life, and my story wouldn’t be complete without it. When I was in eighth grade, I developed an eating disorder. While the statistics for this disease in young people stand horrifically high, the effect on each and every one of those individuals isn't diminished by the commonality. The prospect of being one of many doesn't make anything better.
Like a weed gradually constricting around my mind, my falling into this demographic happened slowly—I didn’t realize it was killing me until it was too ingrained to cut out. I became unable to do the things I loved, stammering out excuses whenever anyone asked me anything to do with food. Because of my retreat into myself and away from others, the quality of the relationships I held dropped. The friends I did have were held on a surface level. We didn't talk about the hardships of our lives because we didn't really talk about anything of substance. Regrettably, I also drew away from my family at this point, isolating myself completely in a way that was supposed to make me feel better but actually just made me feel alone. I just didn't have the energy for relationships anymore. I spiraled into darkness, sitting in my room for hours on end, doing nothing at all. Everything was dull and hopeless. I didn't see a change for a brighter future because I didn't see a future at all. My only purpose was to keep seeing the number on the scale go down. I would set goals and immediately go lower when I hit them, not even allowing myself a momentary happiness on those self-created terms. I sentenced myself to that colorless life and didn't allow anyone- let alone myself- to change that. I felt that way of life was just what I deserved.
The long-overdue end of this torturous cycle wasn’t the fed-up necessity for change like the media presents. There was no sudden realization one day that I didn’t want my life to be like that anymore, followed by a quick switch. I dragged myself out of that hole with bloody fingertips, and it’s not that I never fell. It’s that I found the strength to climb back up again. I've agonizingly slowly come to realize that, as cliché as it sounds, how I see myself is more important than the perception of others. I needed to learn to appreciate who I was, even in a society that told me that I needed to be someone else. I found out that the world will never, no matter what I do, be satisfied. Its greed for always wanting more from a person is unquenchable, and learning that lesson the hard way gave me the strength to finally stop feeding it my life.
Unfortunately, my efforts weren't met by society's version of a happily-ever-after. In a ruthless example of just how cruel life could be, things got worse in other regards as I improved. My hold over that aspect of my life was ripped away, or so it felt, and in that desperate flailing, I grabbed onto the only thing I felt I could control: myself. My movements, my body, my mannerisms, I became hyperaware of them all. I avoided lines like stepping on them would send a dagger through my foot. Times became life-threatening. Once again, I was drowning. I didn’t recognize what I was experiencing for a time before it was placed as OCD. By shedding one horror, I gained another. Once again, my life was ripped out of my control, leaving me in the passenger's seat of my own existence. I listened to that voice in my head like defying it would kill me- because, in my mind, it could have. After a long, slow battle, I’m finally making sizeable progress. While these have been the worst experiences of my life, they also shaped the person I am today. In a strange, twisted way, I’m grateful for these misfortunes, as they drastically changed my perspective on life and how to live it. Living through such hardships revealed what is really important, and the difference between being alive and actually living. My perspective changed, as did what I wanted for myself and my future. I began to prioritize myself and what I wanted, listening less to what people told me to do. My voice grew stronger as I began to advocate for myself, and I made it a goal to prevent it from ever getting smothered again. I know what's out there for me, and I'm confident enough in myself now to reach for it all.