One day, I will be a published author with my own private practice as a therapist. I have always loved writing, even though my grammar isn't always on point, I was too excited to fix them and I just kept writing. I remember the first time I read "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" or the "Philosophers Stone" depending on who you ask. Instantly, I fell in love. Each page transcended me further and further into this fantasy world that felt both safe and distant. I was 9 when I read all the books and I wanted to write some of my own. I found it easy to write about things like fairies and gnomes, or unicorns and centaurs. It was my passion Then, I got older and the question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" came about more often. I would answer truthfully, "an author". Forced smiles and glances of insincerity would appear on their faces. Honestly, I became embarrassed of what I really wanted to do, and so I would say that I wasn't sure or that I wanted to be some sort of doctor. I started to hear the same phrase then,"That will make great money, that's awesome". The less embarrassed I felt, the wider the void opened. All throughout my high school and middle school years, I have dealt with intense mental health struggles. My situation isn't unique and I'm not going to pretend that it is. Anorexic, depressed, and anxious, all feelings a teenage girl knows all too well. I'm not downplaying what I felt and what I went through, but they gave me a passion for working in the mental health field. I have grown tremendously within my teen years and I will continue that by becoming a therapist for female athletes. I plan on attending Valparaiso University to study psychology, then graduate school, then I will strive to open a private practice clinic. Along the way, I will write. Not because I have something to prove, or any type of agenda, but because I love to write. To be honest, I don't know what I will write about. I hope to help people in some way. Whether that looks like escaping into a fantasy reality as I did so many years ago, or directly addressing the twisted version of reality an eating disorder that festers inside of you. Maybe my story lies somewhere in between. For now though, I write, I read, and I research the intricacies of the mind.

I used to run laps in snow pants in the summer. I didn't do this because they were comfortable, or because I thought they were a new fashion statement. The truth was that I thought by doing this I could burn more calories by sweating more. I have battled anorexia from the time I was in 7th grade until now. I have recovered and in the process have signed to play division one volleyball for Valparaiso. I have been seeing therapists once a week from the age of 13 and continue to do so. I would always dread them. I didn't want to talk, how would they know how to help me? I met with 4 therapists before I met Sarah. For the first time it felt like someone understood me, like she knew what I was thinking without even saying anything. I want to be someone's Sarah. She taught me how to take control of my thoughts, how to show myself love not because I deserved it but because I was me and that was enough. Over the years, and dealing with my own inner thoughts, I have began to recognize the beauty of imperfection in others. My aunt has also struggled with disordered eating. I have seen her health deteriorate, yet, she continues to smile and go about life. However, she has never sought out help. That is why I want to go into the mental health field, every person deserves peace, or even just someone to listen. Isolation is a feeling that suffocates you, nobody deserves to feel weighed down by the societal pressure of perfection. I think that the pressure for a specific definition of beauty that is defined by unrealistic expectations is something a lot of people, especially young girls, have grown up with. Especially within the digital age we have become all too familiar with, it can feel hard to separate filters from reality. I live in Northwest Illinois, on the border next to Iowa. There are next to no therapists for eating disorders for hours in either direction. So, I was forced to go online for counseling. This made it hard to make a connection. In the future, I hope to provide in-person services for people like myself who felt stranded. Increasing access to mental health services is crucial, especially in areas of Middle-America with scare mental health resources. I hope to open my own private practice one day, and continue to do research within the female-athlete to eating disorder correlation.