Suppression is easier than disclosure, or at least it’s always appeared that way. Growing up I unintentionally lived by this poisonous idea. I often associated my insecurities with my potential and settled for comfortability. In hindsight, I've realized a lack of self-identity and assurance fuels this psyche. I can recount times where I allowed what I perceived societal norms to be, overshadow who I was. Today, I am frustrated with that girl. The girl that never spoke up in fear that her words weren't valuable or it just simply "wasn't her place." Maybe I'd allowed myself to believe that I lacked certitude or experience in certain areas, so instead of engaging in conversation that could potentially lead to confrontation, I remained silent. I'd created a presence of normality around the idea that certain discussions would just simply make me apprehensive. This specific reasoning is layered. Various attributes invigorated this false identity I'd become comfortable in. And that's exactly what it was, a false identity, an inaccurate aim at security. In retrospect, I've come to the consensus that it was an apparent immaturity that enabled my behavior. I can now recognize and take into account the events of my past. I'm able to acknowledge why I'd subconsciously given into the fear of approval, and willfully muzzled the voice that God granted me as an elaborate and unwavering aptitude. Thankfully, I can attest to the beneficial value established in maturity. I've seen myself completely transform, to the point where the girl I once was has become unrecognizable. I am perpetually going more in-depth with the process of self-discovery, but it's important that I acknowledge the progress I've maintained. To say that I "found" my voice would be a grave misconception since although I didn't always value it, I've always been familiar with my voice. There's always been an inevitable presence of it there in my mind, but now I've learned its value. I've escaped from the stronghold fear had on me that kept me quiet for so long. In order to attain this mindset, I had to grow up. At a young age, it's assured to be impressionable, but there came a time where I had to begin making decisions on my own, exempting any outside influences. It was critical for me to discern my intelligence and credence independently, solely because words of affirmation mean very little if your conscience is the very thing fighting against you. Recognizing the worth in my opinions has transfigured me into a young woman who stands firm in moments of adversity. I am confident, yet my confidence does not derive from what I feel, for feelings are fleeting. I seek confidence in what I now know myself to be, the me I've discovered and learned to appreciate. What I would have once seen as uncomfortable conversations, I now perceive to be nourishment for the mind. Never would I have imagined that vexed conversations would evoke such a great passion in me. Leaving my comfort zone has been a momentous accomplishment, and has enabled me to break any boundaries I may have subliminally created. I've discovered not only who I am, but who I strive to be.
Frequently as children, we are asked the question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" There is so much power and opportunity held in this simple inquiry. Personally, my answer has always varied depending on the day. Is it possible to not be certain of what you want to do, but know exactly who you want to be? Or maybe it's even more feasible to know both, but just have a clouded judgment as to what is practical and what is not. Presuming it is, I was the epitome of this conflict. Despite this uncertainty, my love of writing has always been a treasured attribute and time has amplified my desire to branch out and attain more. Now I am older, smarter, and sure that I'd like to make communications my academic focus to ensure my ability to the truth through my pen. Although I spent the majority of my childhood unsure of the notorious question, the value of communication has been a reoccurring theme in my life. Every career that has ever sparked any interest in me inevitably leads back to this specific study. I've learned that there is distinct importance in the art of communication and various different careers that fall underneath it. It was vital for me to carefully consider these factors while still remaining attentive to what interested me when coming to a consensus in determining my academic focus. Upon doing this, the choice for communications was clear. Ultimately, media has been a determining influence in my decision. This past year I've has the chance to witness how essential media presence is and the control it holds on our society. Throughout the pandemonium that has taken place this year, media has remained an inherent source of information. Mass media affects human life on a large scale by obtaining the potential to educate and inform its audiences. I personally find this potential intriguing. Foregoing, I have always had an idea of who I wanted to be. While my preferred careers have sometimes been fleeting, this has remained a constant. I've always wanted to be a person of great influence. Moving forward, I desire to solely expand this influence. By declaring myself as an influential student and individual, I willfully place a responsibility on myself that I prioritize continuing to uphold. In the future, I plan on using this influence to bring candor and nonpartisanship back to news media; while also restoring a sense of credibility and genuine concern in the process.
My goal is to create a life I don't need a vacation from. A life that enables me to continuously grow and become a better person. I look forward to all the learning and living that my future holds.