For the past 4 years, I have struggled with an eating disorder, Anorexia specifically. As a kid who loved eating treats after dinner and eating out with friends, I never thought in my teenage years that I would be scared of food. Who knew that adjusting a few changes into my diet and exercising more would lead me to have a lifelong mental battle in my head. In the early stages of my eating disorder, I thought of my "healthy eating" and "exercise" habits as a way to just help me get in shape for the high school drill team. At first, these behaviors were the way I was coping with the isolation and loss of control I felt during the peak of COVID-19. While I was dancing at the same time, my mental health rapidly declined due to heavy food restrictions. At this point, my hair was falling out, I was constantly cold, my muscles were disappearing, I lost my spark, the color of my flesh grew colorless, I no longer had the motivation to wake up anymore, my heart rate got dangerously low, and my personality steadily faded into the depths of my eating disorder. In November of 2020, I was admitted to Children's Hospital in Plano after my heart rate was only 30 bpm. This was the most traumatizing time of my life. I felt hopeless and that I genuinely was going to die in the hospital. I was so attached to my eating disorder that I was like a walking corpse at this point. Since I refused to eat, the doctors had to put a feeding tube through my nose and down into my stomach. I couldn't speak for days and I felt defeated because all of my control was gone. I was in and out of treatment while seeing therapists up to 4 times a week. As of now, I am still in therapy and seeing a dietician, but I am able to cope with intrusive thoughts and behavior that trigger me. I’m not automatically healed after going through years of being treated my healthcare professionals but I am become more emotionally aware of my health and when the eating disorder takes over my body. I still continue to have many days where I lose all my motivation, but I now realize that I don't want my eating disorder to become a part of me and become my new identity. As someone with an eating disorder, this dangerous mental illness not only impacted my life, but everyone around me. My poor parents had to see their daughter struggling to live everyday and go through medical treatments that they’d never wish upon anyone else. This journey also costed our family an extreme amount of money due to many relapses I committed and mental health resources I needed. The whole community around me heard about my situation and never felt more scared for me. To this day, I feel so guilty about what I have put everyone around me through. It costed so much of their time, energy, money, patience, and empathy. But I am also very grateful I went through this process because of how much knowledge I gained about mental health and its affects. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without going through my eating disorder journey and battling depression. I want to give back to those who are in my shoes by becoming a therapist. I was completely inspired by my healthcare team and grew such a strong connection to psychology. I hope to break the stigma surrounding mental health and illnesses.

For the past 4 years, I have struggled with an eating disorder, Anorexia specifically. As a kid who loved eating treats after dinner and eating out with friends, I never thought in my teenage years that I would be scared of food. Who knew that adjusting a few changes into my diet and exercising more would lead me to have a lifelong mental battle in my head. In the early stages of my eating disorder, I thought of my "healthy eating" and "exercise" habits as a way to just help me get in shape for the high school drill team. At first, these behaviors were the way I was coping with the isolation and loss of control I felt during the peak of COVID-19. While I was dancing at the same time, my mental health rapidly declined due to heavy food restrictions. At this point, my hair was falling out, I was constantly cold, my muscles were disappearing, I lost my spark, the color of my flesh grew colorless, I no longer had the motivation to wake up anymore, my heart rate got dangerously low, and my personality steadily faded into the depths of my eating disorder. In November of 2020, I was admitted to Children's Hospital in Plano after my heart rate was only 30 bpm. This was the most traumatizing time of my life. I felt hopeless and that I genuinely was going to die in the hospital. I was so attached to my eating disorder that I was like a walking corpse at this point. Since I refused to eat, the doctors had to put a feeding tube through my nose and down into my stomach. I couldn't speak for days and I felt defeated because all of my control was gone. I was in and out of treatment while seeing therapists up to 4 times a week. As of now, I am still in therapy and seeing a dietician, but I am able to cope with intrusive thoughts and behavior that trigger me. A few of my favorite coping skills include: 54321 (this is where you use the 5 senses to help ground yourself in a distracting situation), 4-4-4 breathing, journaling my negative thoughts, and simply explaining how I feel right in the moment. I still continue to have many days where I lose all my motivation, but I now realize that I don't want my eating disorder to become a part of me and become my new identity. I aspire to become a therapist to help serve and support those who are in my shoes. Whether it’s struggling with an eating disorder or mental illnesses in general, I want to be an advocate and help for anyone who suffers. I am first planning on receiving my Associates in Arts at a community college. I will then attend UTD to pursue a Bachelor’s in Science. After that, I will go for my Masters Degree in Clinical, Counseling, and Applied Psychology to hopefully become a therapist. In the far future, I am possibly planning to get involved in a PhD program to possibly become a Psychologist.

Suicide and mental health has overshadowed my life since I can remember. I was verbally and physically abused as a child and always thought everything was my fault. From a very young age, suicide or harming myself was always on my mind. When COVID struck the US, my mental health only declined from there. At 14, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and felt extremely depressed and hopeless. I planned to end my life by starving myself because of how much anxiety and panic attacks I was experiencing my freshman year of high school. I heavily restricted my eating for months and I was somehow still alive, so I began plotting other ways to end my suffering. I had a plan in my head of overdosing on whatever pills I could find. Before I could even attempt, I was admitted to a children’s hospital and treated for my mental illnesses. I went through traumatic experiences such as having a feeding tube forced into my stomach and relapsing multiple times. Fast forward to November of 2023, I attempted to take my life again but with my original plan of overdosing. I ended up taking multiple pills and suffering in silence in my own bathroom. At the moment, suicide felt like the only option because I was far too afraid to tell my therapist or parents about my mental health declining. It took me many months, but I eventually opened up about my attempts and experience with suicide and realizing I could’ve coped in a much more healthier way. Now in May of 2024, I have been clean from suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts due to my vulnerability and sharing how I feel even if it feels like the hardest thing to do. I never thought I would make it to my high school graduation but here I am. I am healthier and happier than ever thanks to healthcare professionals. I aspire to become a therapist to help those who are in my shoes. For those who feel like suicide is the way out of pain. Most importantly for those who even consider suicide at all. I want to show my support and guide people on the right mental health journey to give them healthy coping skills for when they feel they cannot escape the darkness. Being a survivor of suicide and mental illness, I want to bring out more awareness of how dangerous mental illnesses are and how we can change the stigma surrounding it.