Four years ago, April 19th, I lost my first love to suicide. I had known him since third grade, and I had a crush on him the entire time I knew him. However, I was an incredibly shy kid growing up, and had a lot of undiagnosed mental health issues, so I did not have the confidence to even attempt a friendship with him. We went to school together for years. He would be in my classes, but we would barely talk, but I liked him the entire time. Everyone liked him honestly. He was very funny. All throughout middle school and high school we would occasionally interact, and he was always so sweet and he always made me laugh. I remember I specifically liked him because he was funny, but not at anyone’s expense. I never pursued him, because he was much more popular and I was a loner. We eventually graduated and I went to college, and I didn’t see him for a long time, but we followed each other on social media. Then one day, in 2018, I was sitting in my dorm as a college freshman, and I received a message through Instagram. I saw the message was from him, and I sat there for several minutes staring at my phone, because I thought it might be a mistake. He messaged me a simple “hey” and from then on it was like I was in a dream. He told me he had liked me but didn’t know how to tell me and he wanted to go on a date. I didn’t respond for a long time because this had literally never been a possibility in my head. I had liked him for the past ten years, and I thought it would always stay unrequited. Soon after that we went on a date, and I immediately fell hard. I’ve never been a romantic person, and one of the complaints I would always get in relationships was that I seem distant. But this time everything was different. I had severe clinical depression, but for the first time in my life, I woke up happy that I had. I finally had something to look forward to. I abandoned all reason and logic and it was the best feeling I’ve ever had to this day. It was a literal dream come true. All I ever thought about all day was him. I would always get him presents and I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I loved him. January of 2020, I could tell he was not doing well. He seemed distant and unfocused, and I had the premonition of his death. I tried to shake it off, but I felt like he was going to die soon. I tried to help him, but a few weeks before he took his life, he started distancing himself and ignoring me. I was very hurt so I ignored him back, an action that I will regret for the rest of my life. Three days after our last text, he shot himself. My entire life shifted after that. I felt, and still feel, so incredibly guilty. I feel like I could have avoided it if I was just more patient and answered him back. My ego died that day. My pride and my ego made me feel so hurt that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. And it didn’t mean anything in the end. I used to always feel embarrassed expressing love, especially verbally. But after that, I realized I would rather be humiliated every day for the rest of my life if it meant I could tell him I love him just once. There are so many things I would give up if he would come back, but he’s not going to. This was the reason I began failing all of my classes, and eventually flunked out of college. I had a 3.2 gpa before that, but after I couldn’t care about anything else, including myself. I began having nightmares frequently, and I would see him in every crowd of people. I think anyone who has had to deal with loss knows there is no “getting over it.” You just learn to make room for the grief. That was four years ago, and now I am open to expressing my feelings for people. I am no longer ashamed about expressing affection, because now I fully understand any time could really be your last chance. I just try to live my life now in a way he would be proud of. I wish I had something super inspiring come out of it, but that is not the reality.

The two anime series that I watch all the time are Demon Slayer and Jujutsu Kaisen. There are many things to love about demon slayer of course, but I will go in depth for only a few. The underlying themes of the show really stayed with me. Of course there’s the villains and the heroes, but the show does a good job at showing how the different demons became that way. Muzan acts as the ultimate form of evil, as even as a human he was wicked, but several of the demons were normal people. The spider demon in season 1 was only a sick child who wanted to be healthy, and muzan took that wish and distorted it. The two demons from the entertainment district lived an incredibly miserable life, and the demons took advantage of that. I like that many of the villains are actually relatable. The viewer can really empathize with Akaza and such. However, it does also show the demons who were evil both in life and as a demon, such as domo. The demons constantly have to fight reflections of themselves, the demon slayers, the demon slayers had the same misfortunes happen to them. Many of their families were killed, and their entire world shattered. However, instead of becoming demons, they chose to do something good instead. The demons are confronted with the choices they made. They gave into the darkness and the misery, and in those ways they are actually fighting what they could have been, a better version of themselves. I also love the theme of never giving up until the very end. Even if it seems like everything is lost, keep going. You might be able to find a way out. It’s about building a community of people you can rely on, and even if one of them passes, continuing on despite all of the despair. These themes are applicable to all aspects of life. They help you empathize with others while reminding yourself not to give in to despair. And most importantly, to never give up.

I do believe that humans have a creator, so in that regard I believe in “God” however, it would not be appropriate to relate it to any God in any major religions. I believe they are all the same God, and I don’t believe in putting ‘rules’ or limits on the being who created the universe. I’m not sure if heaven exists, and “designed” is not the word I would use. I don’t believe in anything wholeheartedly and so I believe everything is possible. Maybe God set everything in motion and then left everything else up to chance. Maybe he is everything and everywhere all at once. I do tend to believe Isaac Newton when he related the universe to a pocket watch. You would not find a watch on the ground and assume it just formed there that way by itself. You would assume someone made each part and put it together, given that it goes so perfectly together. In that way, when I look at not only earth but the patterns in the universe, I do believe there is a creator, I just don’t believe I could ever perceive of his true nature. There are aspects of existence that lead me to believe there is an entire spiritual side to living that we cannot completely perceive, or maybe they are just beings in higher dimensions that we cannot perceive. I don’t believe that science can answer spiritual questions in some instances. There is no evolutionary reason for humans to mourn the dead, but we do. We take care of the sick, even when it is not advantageous. If we were arguing that there is no God and everything is purely evolution, there would be no reason for people to make glasses for those who cannot see, prosthetic limbs for those who lost one, or special languages for those who cannot see or hear. According to evolution, that trait should just die out. I have also had my own experiences with messages being given to me through dreams, and intuitive emotions saving me from disaster right before it happens. It has been too often to be called a coincidence, if you even believe in those. One of the reasons I want to study astrophysics, is because I believe it could bring me closer to God in some way. I believe I could possibly see the patterns in the universe that repeats in ourselves. My dad once told me “math is the language that God knows best.” I do feel there is some truth to that, and I would like to see how far that will take me.