I have been brought up into this world encapsulated in an unhealthy relationship. The love of a mother should consist of nurturing love. Although my mother wasn’t someone who has done drugs, she would drink and smoke. I know what you may be thinking, “A majority of the population does that for fun.” It isn’t the same when you haven’t healed from past trauma. My mom, the woman I am most distant with has gone through more than what my eyes can see. Before my existence, there was a woman who has gone through toxic relationships back to back. Being physically and mentally targeted by people who should’ve showed caring love. Eventually, things start to snap and there’s no coming back unless you’re strong enough for the challenge. This is the downfall of the mental health radar that the world may not have known about back in the old days. When you have gone through all types of abuse and don’t seek therapy and possibly psychiatric treatment, not only will life be difficult cause you’re reliving those moments, but you’ll also express those fears in a detrimental way to others. This was an ongoing cycle I have had to endure since my personal memories in the world have started. My mom is a lady who has shown me that you must endure pain in this world and have a backbone to deal with people. She was not that person who taught you, take a deep breath, and we can talk about why you’re crying so we can find a solution. This was a “Why are you crying? You’re annoying my ears. Be quiet.” This relationship was, “You can’t hang out with friends, you need to do the dishes, clean your mother’s room. This was meet my male friend or your new dad, or talk to this guy on the phone so I can get brownie points cause you’re cute—if not, you’ll get punishment”. I’ve sat in the car waiting for my mother multiple times to come back after she visited a friend. If brought up in the future, “I don’t remember that.” Drinking and smoking would be something to take the edge off, but really, it was enabling anger within my mom. There was no calming her down, there were just arguments and her wanting you to lay hands on her. Since I can remember, I’ve been an emotionally sensitive individual who’s constantly attached to people who show me care. I have realized something not too long ago, I would get that empty feeling in the pits of my heart because I didn’t feel whole. I would constantly feel the need to be in a relationship and even with that, I’d need constant reassurance, I’d feel like I wasn’t enough or maybe even too much. I realized that the conflicting mindset was something I picked up from my mother. It affected more than just relationships, it affected everyday simple activities, couldn’t even make a decision around others, I would just let them pick and I’d follow. Although there are more character development issues within me, like puzzle pieces, I eventually saw that my anxiety and depression sprouted since early age. I have avoided eye contact with others because I’d be scared of being ridiculed, yelled at, or threatened. I’m still trying to push a smile through to make friends even though my heart palpitates in fear. I will make a change by loving myself. Therapy, psychiatric care, and patience. Also, connecting with women to share my experiences in life will help them and myself so I don’t lose hope.