"There," I thought, finishing an entry in my journal. "Today will be my last day. No more of this nonsense. No more hearing the almost-possessed-like screams of my 5-year-old brother. No more fighting with Mom over school and whatever else she decides to pick. No more hearing her tell my older brother and me that she doesn't care about our school, life, or us. No more hearing that we are ungrateful, selfish children. No more isolation. No more wasting away every single day of my life in my room, wishing for it to end. No more having her yell at us for everything we did and didn't do. No more apathy and carelessness from her. I'm done. Forever done."
With that, I closed my journal, content that I had finally made a decision. She wasn't making all the choices for my life, and I liked that feeling of control. The rest of that day saw a slightly happier version of myself, one where I saw the end of the black hole I had been in. Nothing special occurred, just another day being homeschooled. I had no friends to text, and didn't want to write a goodbye letter, so there weren't many preparations to do. As evening drew to a close and my time to depart drew nearer, I constantly checked the time, mentally calculating how long until 9:45 pm. That was the time - my time, as I called it.
Soon, I found the time 30 minutes away. Worry began to set in, for the house we lived in had three showers: one in the master bedroom that was broken, one in my brother's room, and one in my room. My dad always took a shower in my room, and I began to worry that maybe he would be in there when I was supposed to take my life. I had told myself that if I couldn't do it at 9:45, I wouldn't do it at all, something I was then starting to regret. Yet at the same time, a strange sense of relief began to surface in my heart. But I quickly stifled it, muttering to myself that numb, cold people don't feel things like relief.
The time continued ticking, and still my dad wasn't here. Anger began to set in. I had one goal in mind, would they take even that too? All my other desires had been dashed to pieces by them. Every single thing I enjoyed had been taken away, due to my brother's and my bad attitude, or so they claimed. Life was a drudgery; couldn't I make one decision, do one thing I wanted to that wasn't explicitly spelled out by them? Putting headphones in, I blared the music I had come to survive off of, waiting for my dad to finally come. But I couldn't appear like a lazy kid, so I began working on some schoolwork. At 9:45 pm, he came, knocking on my door, asking to take a shower. I loved my dad; he was the kind, sane parent. Of course, I said yes, and with that, my plan to take my life was thwarted.
Two more times I sought this same course of events, and each time I still survived. I developed other bad habits, which people say make you mentally messed up. I knew that, but I had no one to turn to, and frankly, I liked the way I dealt with stuff. I liked the pain and felt like I deserved it. I was the bad child, the messed-up seed that had ruined our family.
Eventually, I found myself at a boarding academy. Spending three years there, I began to realize that not every adult female was worthy of my hate. I still resented adults in general and never confided in any. Even my classmates seemed worlds away, as I never learned how to make and keep friends. I managed to become good friends with a few, however. But my thick shell remained my safe place, and oftentimes I would relapse at night. My roommate had no clue that I was drawing red lines on my skin. Despite this and my bad eating habits, I am grateful for the opportunity to go to that school. It helped me become an individual and shape my worldview.
The dance with death isn't something that ends overnight. Sometimes, it lasts a lifetime. It might wax and wane in strength, but sometimes, it always lingers in the background of one's soul. Despite this, I've learned not to give up. There is so much to live for, not just for myself, but for others as well. I've made it my mission to serve those who can't help themselves. I know what it's like to be broken and ready to end it all, and I don't want anyone to have to experience that. But it's a reality that we're living in, and though I can't make it all stop, I can help lessen the pain of it.
My goal is to become a pilot and surgeon, not just working in the USA, but working overseas as a missionary as well. I plan to work in the States for 6 months, then work overseas for the other 6 months. That way, I can serve my fellow Americans and those who don't have access to anything. I want to give people a better chance at life - help them regain what was taken from them, and show them that now isn't the end. That is my goal - to mix aviation and surgery into one career, a challenging task, but doable with the help of God. With Him, all things are possible. I'm looking forward to this adventure called life, serving the lost and broken of humanity. My first mission is to Peru, where I will be a student missionary for the 2025-2026 school year. Afterwards, college will be my home as I obtain training for the future.