May 15, 2022, at approximately 10:30 in the morning I thought my biggest problem was withdrawing money from my savings account. At 12:15 I was getting ready to get my nails done for a quince later that week. However, at 12:20 my second oldest brother, Jacobo came in with my cousins looking distraught, he quickly told us to sit down. I protested not wanting to be late to my appointment. He shot me down “Sit down” and yelled for my brother Diego to join us quickly, my mother joked from the kitchen, What’s the bad news? As we all gathered in the living room my brother kneeled in front of my mom holding her hand and said Emilio passed away. My mom began to cry violently, questioning his death. How about a car accident? Jacobo simply said, “he shot himself last night”. The night before my eldest brothers had gone out to a graduation party celebrating a high school friend graduating with his master's degree. They planned to stay the night as they were planning to drink. Around 3 AM my second oldest brother came home and my eldest brother, Emilio, stayed at the party. Sometime between three and four my brother grabbed his gun to “protect himself”. At 4:14 he called Ashley, his girlfriend, but she did not answer. He left a voicemail saying how much he loved her and how he wished things could be different. At 4:15 he shot himself. I wish I could say we have an exact reason why that happened or even a note. My poor mother, blamed herself for not listening to the Holy Spirit that night and not checking on him but how could she have known? My eldest brother was a Navy veteran, he was an undergraduate student at Texas A&M Galveston and a beloved older brother. He loved Marvel and Star Wars and could binge-watch any series. Emilio was funny and loved our dog, Chocolate, he loved her with his whole heart. Getting through that loss was difficult, but in the end, it brought a lot of growth and friendships. I was only 16 at the time, but I had no choice but to mature because of it. My parents are strong and relentless and helped the rest of us cope. They pushed us to dive deeper into a relationship with God because he is the only one who knows why that happened. Through that awful experience, I gained friendship with the people I met at church camp and I still talk to those people today who have Bible study. I would’ve never gone to that church camp if it hadn’t happened in the beginning of my junior following Emilio's death, I joined a new sport, the sport of cross country. It helped me realize that I was passionate about something even if I wasn’t good at it, it was such a relief to just run and even brought me the opportunity to go run at the beach in Galveston, which is something I wouldn’t have been able to without the support of my coach. During that trip, my mom was able to join us and she got to meet with Emilio‘s friends from Galveston and have lunch with them. Emilio‘s friends were there for us. Many of them came from Japan to visit us or from other parts of the US. Emilio’s friends who were here had movie nights with us and joined us for dinner every night for two months.I miss Emilio but I know he would be proud I’m working towards a degree.

On May 15, 2022 at 4:45 in the morning my eldest brother, a navy veteran committed suicide. It was an unexpected loss. It was tragic and heart-wrenching. There were no signs, letters, or even a phone call to say goodbye. He had plans for later that day, plans throughout the week he would never get to complete. As a Christian, the first thing I wanted to do was pray that he was in heaven safe. It scared me to think that he would punished for this eternally. Although I know that God forgives every sin, the thought frightened me. But who was I to tell my mother who had just lost her firstborn son, that we needed to pray? That day was silent, the most silent my family had ever been. The initial shock, the feeling that I needed to step up, the fear of the future. Would my parents divorce? Would my dad kill himself as well after the news? What caused this? Are we sure it was suicide? Was it the alcohol he consumed? What did we miss? In the weeks leading up to the funeral, I slept in my twin brothers' room while my parents rarely slept. With my father's stone-cold face and my mother's random sobs, it was hard, and awkward. As a Mexican, family runs deep in our roots, so the calls came flooding in, the doorbell rang every five minutes for two weeks, and family friends, cousins from out of town, and people who had just gone on vacation ran back to El Paso. The constant hugs, my grief didn't hit me right away so that was awkward plus I'm not a hug person. Church people, I had never met before had created a food train for the two weeks until the funeral. Our community gathered around to support us. To not break my mother more I called the VA and declared my brother dead. It was hard but my other brother took over halfway through the phone call. It's been two years since my brother died, and I miss him every day. Since, his death I've realized God has had a plan, he turns graves into gardens. When my brother died I knew I could not turn to drugs or alcohol, because what would that do? I was a sophomore in high school, and in some way that would through my life away. So, I joined the cross-country team and ran. I ran every morning that year and just kept running. It was my escape, it was my peace. God even gave me a strong Christian community that first year I went to bible study and grew even closer with God. I want to continue what my brother started and continue going to college even after previous failures, my brother was a " C's get degrees" type of guy but he instilled the importance of education in me. However, throughout all this, I worried for my family's peace even my dog Chocó's peace. I realized however that as a family we would continue to trust in God in his mysterious ways. We each grew closer to our God and for that, I am forever thankful for. I pray Emilio is happy and at peace on a boat in Heaven.