At the age of 58, my father committed suicide to avoid a lonely and lengthy death. Sergio, my biological dad, was recently diagnosed with liver cancer at the time and he would express that he lived a full life with no regrets. However, my father lacked to accept that his kids despised that he would drink and smoke his health away and would make my mom's emotional health deplete. For this reason, he wrote a note to his kids and apologized for not taking better care of his own health to see us grow older than he thought he would. Sergio committed suicide by overdose on a quiet Tuesday night. Since then, I have had to marry without a father-daughter dance, graduate the university without a complete family picture, and have spent countless days in tears that my the memories I knew one day I could create, are no longer possible. I go to therapy, i take prescription medication, and I try to get through the days without falling to my knees in agony. The truth is, the pain does not lessen as the days pass. You know what hurts the most? While my dad would've died from liver cancer eventually, he didn't even give medicine a chance. He was hopeless since the beginning and for that I hold resentment towards him. Why didn't he want to spend his last days with us? What was his reason for leaving on his own terms? I might never have the answers to my questions but even then, I love him and I miss him. I've since wondered how do people move on, and "go back to normal" after losing their parent. Truthfully, I fear I will forget the memories and aspirations I hold right now, with time and that it will lead me to cry less and less. Crying less would mean it doesn't hurt anymore and I don't think Im emotionally capable of that realization. My fathers death has taught me that life goes on. Most days I am sad, and most days my heart aches. But I still have school, and i still have to work full time, and eventually I'll get to have kids, and none of that really stops because of a death. It makes me sad. How can life be that fast moving? Every single day I am triggered to a memory. If i see a child with their dad or an elderly couple, I break down. Emotionally and psychologically, it is difficult to accept and to normalize. This makes my life difficult on a day to day basis, and it's unfortunate. Why me? Why my family? Why my dad? I definitely lost him a-lot sooner than I wanted to, but I hope he rests in peace and is proud that I push myself to continue every day, even without him here. When things got hard, he's say "you are capable of anything, mija". I love you dad, always and forever. Your princess. -Katie. X O X O