What I’ve Learned From My Father’s Absence
“Who is he?” I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. She shook her head and sobbed. “ It doesn’t matter, he’s gone” She cried lowly. I walked away redefining my whole life.
Lost- I was disorientated with the knowledge of this new information. My thoughts were all consumed by him. “Who are you?” “Why aren’t you here?” I would ask to myself. I felt completely left out about that part of me and felt that if I did not know who my dad was then, I would never know who I was. I felt that he made my identity and without him, I had none.
Overtime, I noticed the way my mom would tense up when I brought him up so I decided to stop bringing him up to her. I was not very comfortable with this decision, but I wanted to make my mom happy in some way, so I stopped making her relive the pain. I stopped focusing on continuing an unhealthy approach. As I grew older, the challenge of pondering over my dad continued through my daily activities. I could not have any control over that part of me that I was missing, so I controlled everything else. I dedicated all my free time to school; focused on making her content in any way that I could.
It was never clear to me that I would enjoy healthcare but whenever someone would ask me what do you want to be, I would say, “I want to be a doctor”. Truth be told. I always enjoyed going to the hospital. Whether it was for me or accompanying someone else, I loved it. Although, going to the doctor was never a good thing for my family, I always looked forward to it. It felt great to be in the doctor's presence and watch them and their expertise. They were always the heroes in my life. They healed, minimized pain, were empathetic, personable, and to me knew everything. I learned so much in their presence. This was my answer simply because I enjoyed going to well visits and observing my doctors analyzing my brothers and me. I would question everything she did. Unsurprisingly, like fish to water, I followed a medical path in high school. I was a part of the Health Related Technologies program and in it, we are taught skills and collected hands-on learning experience about medicine and how to care for patients in a hospital. I was also able to have my first-ever shadowing experience at a hospital. Although I was only there for a few hours and never actually assisted in the betterment of the patients, nothing could make me feel more joy than when I saw the doctor interact and connect with the patients. I saw many patients come in for their check-ups and saw smiles on their faces when they were being listened to and taken care of by the physician. This experience made me realize that I love to serve people in their needs.
Connection was a keynote I took when I gaped at doctor-to-patient relationships. Doctors feel fulfilled when getting to know their patients and being a support to them. I get delighted in building personal relationships and knowing that I made them feel better at any point in time during our encounter. It’s rewarding knowing that I bring a sense of relief to curing someone's pain. While experiencing this wholeness, I never once pondered over my absent father. I had time to think it over and realized how much weight and meaning I was giving to someone that wasn’t around. My dad was a never-ending thought and when medicine came around, he was just…gone.
This is not a path I am pursuing to please someone else; I am pleasing myself. Through helping others I felt confident and content, something I have never felt. I gained empathy, communication, active listening, and patience through my different healthcare experiences. These skills are actively used throughout my everyday life and I know they’ll benefit me as I pursue medicine further. Someone that was never a part of my life should not control my vision, I am defined by my passion and contribution. There is so much more growth in demand for my life, connections to make, knowledge to gain, and experiences I will have. Although I do not know exactly where I’ll end up in 15 years of my career/life, I do know that I'll stay in the water.