I would not be where I am today had I not embraced my mental health journey and learned to carry hope for the future despite the struggles I’ve faced.
Throughout my childhood, I experienced a lot of emotional neglect, exclusion, and bullying. I was a lonely Asian kid in a predominantly white area, and because I didn’t look like everyone else and I didn’t fit in, I dealt with a lot of isolation and racism.
On top of that, I had difficulties with communication and social interaction, and struggled to form lasting friendships because my family moved around so much. I didn’t know it at the time, but part of the reason these things were so hard for me was because I had undiagnosed autism and ADHD.
Autism, especially when it’s Level 1 or “low support needs,” is very hard to detect in women and racial minorities. Most of the research and perceptions around it focus on the white male demographic. Media portrayals usually present it as a “Sheldon Cooper” or “Rain Man” persona. When you’re a woman though, you learn to mask your autistic traits very early on because women are socialized differently, and there’s a lot more pressure to conform. And if you’re a racial minority, a lot of your autistic traits will be interpreted through the lens of racial stereotypes, which for me, was the quiet and studious Asian stereotype. Because of these factors, the parents and teachers around me never picked up on the fact that I was autistic and that I was really struggling in a lot of areas.
Because I didn’t know I had a disability, I went through my childhood not understanding why I struggled so much socially and why I could never fit in no matter how hard I tried. From the age of 13 onwards, I started having feelings of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. I self-harmed for years to cope with the low self-worth and hopelessness I felt. I couldn’t see how I could ever be happy in the future, with the way that I was.
Like a lot of minority communities, the Asian community does not openly discuss mental health. My parents were immigrants who prioritized academic success above all, so I never felt comfortable confiding in them about my struggles. I performed the role of the perfect daughter on the outside, but inside I was lost.
It was only after years of struggling with my mental health that I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents I wanted to try antidepressants. They insisted that I didn’t need meds because I wasn’t “crazy.” It was only after I broke down in tears that they supported me in taking this step. I started educating them on mental health, stressing to them that it’s just as important as physical health. You need to tend to it and care for it daily, like watering a houseplant so it can thrive.
Although the medication was an important first step, it still didn’t explain why my brain worked so differently, and why I still felt like a social alien. It was only after I started going to therapy in my 20s that I eventually discovered I had autism and ADHD.
When I finally got my diagnosis, so much of my life started making sense to me. I joined a community for autistic and other neurodivergent adults, and I started meeting so many people with similar stories to mine. A lot of them had just discovered their diagnosis after a lifetime of being chronically misunderstood and confused about themselves. So many of them, like me, had struggled with mental illness and suicidal ideation for years, which led to eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse, and all sorts of other unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I started to realize how pervasive this problem is and how many people are affected by it. Research shows that autistic adults are 25 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-autistic adults, and suicide is the number one leading cause of death for those of us who are late-diagnosed. It makes me extremely sad to think about the lives that were lost and the families that were affected because of the lack of access to mental health resources, understanding, and support.
It’s made me realize how much I care about this cause, and how much I want to help spread awareness of it, so more people can get the support they need before it’s too late. It’s also made me rethink my career goals, which is why I’ll be pursuing a Master’s in Social Work starting this fall. My goal is to work directly with people who have autism, disabilities, and mental health conditions and show them that there is a path forward for them, and they're not alone.
Although I still struggle with my own disability and I’m still learning to manage my anxiety, I know I have the heart, passion, and wisdom that comes from lived experience with mental health struggles. I approach all my relationships with compassion and empathy because I understand exactly what it’s like to feel alone and afraid, and I know how important it is to have someone to confide in.
My journey with mental health has taught me that so many of the world’s problems and the issues people struggle with stem from feeling unheard and unseen. We all need to have our feelings validated and our mental health prioritized so we can find healing and be the best versions of ourselves. So many people, autistic or not, lose their battles each year because no one has shown them that there is a place for them in this world, no matter the struggles they’ve faced or the obstacles that lie ahead of them.
I used to be someone who couldn’t see a path forward, but now I know exactly what my path is: helping to create a world where everyone can see a future with themselves in it, regardless of what their story is.