Music has had a big impact over the last few years for me. Given covid and all, I was sent down the path that was sad music. It made me believe that the world around me was blue and that I was unable to be myself because others would judge me or hate me for who I was. During this period I was unable to leave my bed because I felt attached to the music, instead of going outside and riding my bike I would stay inside and cry. I would repeat lyrics in my head, the ones I related to the most or resembled some sort of escape from the pain I felt. I would cry until I passed out or was asked to do something else, and this had an impact on my family. My mom was always mad at me because I was "lazy" to her, but the music made me feel held down by thousands of weights. For a time, I found musicals, helped to bring my spirits up a little, but I always seemed to gravitate toward the sadder songs on the playlists. Once I found that musicals weren't working for me, I moved on to instrumental music and interludes. For me, they said more than words ever could and made me feel as though I was surrounded by situations other than my thoughts. It was more mellow, and I could think of the endless situations that could be connected to the certain sounds I was hearing through the instruments and backtracks. I loved how this made me feel because in some situations I felt love and in others, I felt as though I was lost in the forest. Finally, I felt at peace for once, like I could sit for hours and not hear the thoughts in my head. I was able to be myself again, having those weights lifted off of me and placed in a safe spot. One where they could never reach me again. My family is thankful that I found this music because I'm more open and talk to them more than I ever have. I can express myself and feel loved through the music, even when I don't feel loved I put on my favorite sound and imagine a scenario where I can be myself and be loved by others. Yes, it's a false sense of hope, but it helps, and I would do anything to keep myself from feeling how I did back in covid.

Obstacles, some are small while others can over run your life. I’ve dealt with many obstacles in my life, from friends ditching and bullying me to not winning an award I thought I deserved. But these made me stronger, I learned a lot about the world around me. How people aren’t always going to be there for you, and when they no longer want you to be a part of their group. It hurts, but it made me more aware of the people I am friends with, who I attract and what to do when things go down hill. On the other side I learned how to be compassionate and caring with those around me, like when I don’t get something I thought was mine. I used to scream and be angry at them, but now I appreciate that someone I know has gotten the same award, trying to see how they were picked. And usually I can see why or how they were picked over me. Although some obstacles are like rock walls, mostly mental health and effects of it. I slipped into a depression 7th grade, that hit me like a bus. I tried and tried to get out. Release the pressure I felt, but every time I got close to feeling fine, I got run over by that bus again. To the point where I felt like I was splayed across the road, unable to be put back together. Like it didn’t matter what I did, I would always be knocked down anyway. So I gave up, which I realize isn’t the best thing to do. But when you’re constantly run over, it feels like the only out. To put pain in a place where you can’t reach it. Medication, it helped for some time, picked me up off that road and put me back together. But it felt like I was put together like a Mr potato head, my body was rearranged and I was aware. Unable to feel like myself, this obstacle threw me into a whole new world of uncertainty. But maybe I can find peace, maybe the road won’t be there and the bus morphed into hands that I can run into when I need someone. Maybe, I can be myself in the soon future and educate people on experiences. But obstacles aren’t the only thing to depict how one’s life is lead.

My experience with mental health is a roller coaster, one minute I can be fine and the next I’ll be completely stuck to my bed. I’m diagnosed with both severe depression and anxiety, this makes my life very conflicting. Mental health shaped my goals to be impossible, I always felt trapped with my goals. My mind makes them harder to achieve, even when they might have been easy tasks. Although within mental health my mind prioritizes physical needs last, like brushing hair and teeth. Relationships are always hard, I constantly feel like I’m annoying and my friends don’t deserve me. As if I’m always going to have them leave me right when I need them. I think the reason I feel this way is because I’ve had so many friends tell me that I was never there for them and I was too sad for them. Or they left without saying anything. And that hurt. My entire life, even with mental illness, I’ve always been skeptical of the world, scared of what would happen to me if I did something. I always felt like I was being watched and judged. People have taken photos of me and then laughed with their friends, that hurt me. Because I had done nothing but eat my lunch in the corner. People make me lose faith in the world, because I’ve been betrayed I’m not sure what it’s like to feel loved.

Never able to get out of bed, never want to do anything. The effects of severe depression and anxiety clog my life up, I'm unable to fight back against it. Medicine never worked and neither had therapy, so I confined myself to isolation in hopes it would go away. I would shut people out when I felt like they would judge me for being sad all the time. It's always made relationships hard, both intimate and family. I push them away in fear of hurting them or potentially them hurting in some way because of me. But when my best friend Maddie texted me "I appreciate you more than you know", I started to cry. I've never had someone say that to me and I had no idea how hard it would be to accept that people cared about me. I was unable to accept the fact that people were able to see how hard I tried and how I don't want to accept my mental illness as a way of life. That I try and try to understand why I am the way I am and hopefully one day be able to manage it. Although there are points where suicide was considered, I have to face that. I have to face my depression got so bad that I felt the need to disappear from the world. Although I don't think it was much of wanting to die, but rather making the pain I felt stop. I've tried about 7 times, all different ways I could think and I'm still here. I've developed an addiction to cutting because it numbed the pain in such a way that it became normal for me. I've tried many different medications and even tried to overdose on said medications because I felt that if I took enough I would finally feel happy. I remember the night I first tried to overdose on a medication, I googled "Can you overdose from 800mg of Zoloft" and it told me yes. So I took 800mg, felt my heart rate slow, and my body become relaxed. I panicked, not sure if I wanted to do this now. Texting my friend I was crying and trying to stay awake, unable to vomit up the pills. I don't remember what happened after that, although I remember my mom telling me something that felt mumbled and gargled. I don't know what happened beyond that point. But in the end, I am still here, and I want to get better. I'm considering getting a tattoo of a semi-colon to show how far I've come and how hard I am willing to try to get better. All of my experiences have led to this point, even college. Once I found out I was going to college I was happy, because it felt like a clean slate to start over. A new life.