Middle school was a period of my life where I would define it as a time of multiple failures hitting me in the face. It was the time where the world seemed to freeze and stop because of Covid-19, and it became a time in my life where I had nowhere else to look but up. Before I had entered sixth grade, I would hear stories about the “iconic” middle school experience. The older girls would describe it as something so mindblowing, where they finally “grew up” and were viewed as young adults. However, when it was finally my turn, it became a time where I would view myself as only a failure.
During the first semester of sixth grade, before lockdown had begun, I realized how difficult the year was going to be. Homework would slowly start to pile up, and I would spend nights overthinking and becoming overwhelmed with all things middle school. And when Covid finally forced us to go into quarantine, my world shrank and became a computer screen.
Then arrived seventh grade, the year where I found myself in pure isolation. Going to school through a computer screen felt like a complete void. I was in my room, physically alone, stressed, and disassociated from what my teachers would try to teach me. I was emotionally adrift, I wouldn't understand anything that my teachers would try to teach me, which would result in F’s. I knew I was always an overachiever so when I would only receive F’s in my assignments, tests, and even homework I would only view myself as a failure.
Finally eighth grade arrived and when I was expecting relief from all things pandemic, it never arrived. I felt a pull from a void that developed from the years before. The thoughts of me feeling like a failure continued to punch me in the face, and it was showing in all my exams, assignments, and work that teachers would give me. The years before created a domino effect for me, all the bad habits I built throughout the years tumbled down to me, and caused me to ultimately feel like the biggest failure in my whole school. Everyone seemed to understand everything in my classes, whereas I was in the back of the class, notes empty, eyes tired from my sleepless nights, and the thoughts surrounding my mind, “failure, disappointment, lazy.”
I knew I had to handle this heavy feeling of failure by admitting to myself that I couldn't climb out of this hole alone. I couldn't dig the hole anymore and instead looked up and dragged myself up if I had to. Overcoming all these bad habits I had built wasn't going to be easy, wasn’t going to be quick, and was going to be something that takes time. I had to flip the narrative of calling myself a failure and instead call myself a learner. I had to learn that failing wasn't negative, but instead a way to learn. I learned how “failing” was essential to truly learn anything and everything.
To this day I have not reached the success of never failing, but instead achieved a self worth where I don’t call myself a failure. I learned that I don’t fail, but learn how to redirect myself into finding resilience.