Growing up, I experienced my mother's mental health struggles every single day. It's something that's been a constant in my life. I love her dearly, but her struggles often spilled over onto me, leading to extremely hurtful treatment. There were many times in my life where I was left sobbing so hard that I fainted. This has left a lasting mark, affecting how I handle relationships and stress, often not very well. Every little thing feels like life or death, I'm flooded with cortisol the moment anything bad happens. I often have meltdowns, crying for hours.
As I've grown older, I've noticed similarities between my mother's struggles and my own. I began relating to complaints she would say about my father. I understood why she would cry constantly, why she lashed out when she felt unloved. These issues became glaringly obvious during an abusive relationship of mine that lasted two and a half years. It was my first serious relationship, he was my first love. The anxiety from that relationship caused me to lose over 50 pounds. Every time I would think about his actions my stomach would churn, and I would expel whatever I had eaten prior. Despite the toxicity, I couldn't break away, driven by a deep need for affection, much like what I craved from my mother. It felt like a cycle, worsening my depression and making me contemplate suicide.
Being autistic has its ups and downs. While it brings out my passion, empathy, and kindness, it also makes forming lasting connections a challenge, due to my sensitivity and struggles with social cues. In my abusive relationship, my autism made things even worse, with each meltdown pushing my partner further and further away. Every single one made his resentment for me grow, which only led to more. There is pressure to reveal your true self in relationships. With autism, this means you have to unmask, this only led to rejection, to hatred, adding to my feelings of not belonging.
On top of all this, dealing with ADHD made everyday tasks feel overwhelming. I had to put myself through freshman and sophomore year during this relationship. My partner's dismissive attitude towards his own ADHD while criticizing me for the same struggles only made things worse. He would blame his constant flaking, lateness, and cold shoulder on his mental illness. Yet, I had the same, even more, and I only ever tried to treat him with love and respect.
When my partner, driven by narcissism, finally left, it was devastating. But it was also a major turning point in my life. Through months of therapy, I slowly started to heal from the trauma and attachment that kept me trapped in such a troubled relationship.
Now, a year later, I'm on a journey towards stability and self-discovery. Despite ongoing struggles with my mental health, I'm determined to pursue my dream of becoming an artist while working towards my degree. And though the scars of my past remain, I'm hopeful that true love will find its way to me, bringing with it the promise of brighter days ahead.