I have always struggled with anxiety, at least a little bit, but last year it became so much worse. I had a discouraging diagnosis from my doctor about some health issues I had been suffering, and I spiralled into a very deep and dark place in my mind. I became extremely anxious and depressed, and some days the only reason I got out of bed was because I had a job where I was needed. Over time I was able to get better, and some medication helped with the anxiety and depression, but nothing ever truly took it away. It isn't easy to live with anxiety, because anxiety manifests itself in different ways in different people. And people often judge you, or think that the things you are anxious about are silly or don't make sense. I had to learn how to take a very big step into the world outside my little bubble, and verbalize what was going on inside me so that I could get the support I needed, and I want to encourage others to do the same. It's not easy. And it is very scary. But when you make that first step, there is always someone else who can be encouraged by you, and possibly moved to take their first step. Anxiety doesn't always just go away when you use medication or are able to tell people about it, but it becomes easier to bear when you can surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through, and can encourage you to keep on keeping on.

This year, my life changed... Permanently. But I'm getting ahead of myself. In order to fully understand my story, we need to go back in time. As a child, and even into my teenage years, I was quite small, petite. Some might even say dainty, and looking at photos of myself from back then, I'm surprised that no one thought I had an eating disorder, I was that small! As I got older, I finally gained some healthy weight, and all felt right in my world. But then last year, in November, my parents left the country on a mission trip, and it was up to my older sister and I (20 and 18, respectively) to care for our younger siblings while they (our parents) were gone. It was a very stressful time, and even though we had grandparents and friends who were there to help us out, it still felt like so much responsibility, and unfortunately, I found comfort for my stress and anxiety in eating food. And not healthy food either, but microwave meals, drive-through, etc. And I didn't notice it at the time, but because of that, I gained a lot of weight, to the point where I no longer liked to spend any length of time in front of the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. But after my parents returned from their trip, and life returned to normal, I began to make a conscious effort to lose weight, to eat healthier, and to love my body, no matter what. And for a while, I finally felt like everything would be okay. But then I began to notice things about my body, things that weren't normal. For example, I (a very happy female) was growing a mustache, and for some reason, I wasn't able to lose weight in my gut, I had missed my menstrual cycle for six months in a row (which was pretty scary) and I was suffering from anxiety and depression. Maybe I would have done something about it sooner, but this all happened over the course of seven months, and then COVID-19 hit, and I became distracted by that. The day finally came when I realized that everything that was going on was not going to fix itself, so I had a video visit with my doctor. She had a pretty good idea of what was going on, but just to be sure, she had some blood tests done, and after that, we had a visit in person. And that is when my life changed. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was told that the weight I had gained, the weird mustache, the missed menstrual cycles, the anxiety, and depression, were all because of my PCOS, and not only would it be extremely difficult to lose weight, but it would most likely be very hard for me to have children of my own someday. And that almost broke me. For as long as I can remember, one of my biggest dreams was to become a mother someday. I just love children, and the thought of possibly never being able to look into the face of a child that I had created was overwhelming. I knew that other options exist, such as adoption, but to me, it just didn't feel the same. And for weeks after this diagnosis, I was kind of in denial. It felt surreal. And many nights I would cry myself to sleep as I struggled with all this. For a long time, I felt like I was just living in a dream. Doing what was necessary to keep going, but not with the same joy and enthusiasm that I used to. And then, I remembered one of my dreams that had often run alongside my dreams of being a mother: becoming a nurse or medical assistant. I was so excited to finally have something to focus on, a dream that could be within my reach. And so, I began doing research and found classes at my community college that would help bring this dream to life. But then I had another reality check: college can be expensive! I didn't know how I was going to be able to afford to go to college. Even though the certificate I was looking at was only two years of college work, it was still going to be well over five thousand dollars, which is more than I spent on my car! And to add to this, I haven't had much work at all this year because of COVID-19. I hadn't been able to save very much money at all and knew it was going to be hard to pay my way through college, and I really didn't want to get student loans. But I wasn't about to give up, if anything, this convinced me to try harder. I want to become a medical assistant, to be there for people who aren't feeling well, to make a difference in someone's life, to be someone that other people can look up to. And then I found this scholarship. And even though it is not easy sharing my story, I know that my story is not the only one like it, and perhaps, even if I don't win this scholarship, I might have finally found the courage to share my story with others who are struggling in the same way that I am. And I know that with God's help, my life, my story, can make a difference for someone else, can show them that there are no dreams too big, no valleys too deep, that you can't make it to the top of whatever mountain you are facing.