I am a firm believer that caring for your mental health is a gateway to caring for your physical health. The two work in synergy to make up a person’s overall health. If one is failing, then the other will get dragged down with it. Many aspects of your physical health can be visible to anyone on the outside, but I would argue that many aspects of your mental health are hidden to outsiders. This is why mental health issues often go unnoticed and underdiagnosed, because others cannot see what you are going through. Mental health is often stigmatized for this exact reason, and we need to stop this stigma and establish that mental health is human health.
My journey to mental wellness has not been easy. I came into high school thinking I knew exactly who I was: an intelligent, relentless young man who could tackle any challenge the world decided to throw at him. In other words, I thought I was perfect, and I thought I knew exactly how I would approach a very difficult 4-year period for most. Well, as you might have anticipated, I came short in being who I thought I was. I struggled considerably to maintain relationships, let alone establish them. The confident person I aspired to be was simply a façade for the most socially anxious person I turned out to be. I wasn't popular among the student body; in fact, I faced constant ostracism and hate from my fellow peers. I let their opinions and perceptions of me shape who I thought I was: a lowlife, annoying person who constantly seeks attention and validation from others. Who I imagined myself to be was completely inconsistent with what I was labeled as.
The worst year for me by a country mile was my junior year. For context, I ended my sophomore year off strong; I ended with more friends than what I started with which is amazing. I feel like I made a name for myself during that year. I felt like I was as outspoken and outgoing as I possibly could be, and I think people saw the confident person I was. In other words, I didn't have a care in the world which included what other people thought of me. Boy, did that all change the following year. I was actually doing pretty well at the beginning: I found what I thought was a perfect group of friends, we got along super well, and we did everything today. I know it sounds cliché, but it's true. However, I couldn't ignore the fact that I was different from them. I was the only Black person in the friend group, the only gay person in the group, and the only liberal person in the group. I was definitely the odd one out, and I think they could see it too. Well, long story short: it didn't work out. I tried again and again to try and mesh with these guys, but it didn't work, even with their drastic pleas for me to leave them alone. Dare I say that these attempts to make it work almost killed me. I suffered extreme depression and anxiety from this experience. I began caring again about what others thought of me, and I felt so sad all the time, wondering what exactly I did wrong. The answer: I tried to be like them. Whenever they would talk about girls, I would think of a girl of my own to talk with them. I didn't want to be left out of those conversations, so in my mind, I had to fit in with them somehow. Whenever they make racist jokes, I would laugh along, even though they genuinely offended me, but I didn't want them to cut me off. I sacrificed the person I thought I was to conform to a person who I wasn't. That was arguably the biggest mistake of my life.
After the peak of my depression, I sought therapy. I only saw my therapist three times before I concluded it was not for me. It was difficult for me to regurgitate my struggles over and over again to different therapists at the clinic after doing so with school counselors. I decided that the best way to navigate my mental wellness is to focus on myself. After all, I am the only one who understands my issues, because nobody else can operate my mind and figure out what is going on. So, it is up to me to pinpoint the problems and solve them myself. I started finding reasons to enjoy life and my own company. By focusing on myself, I was able to get back on track by doing activities I truly enjoy, such as doing math, binge watching TV shows and movies, playing video games, and being out in nature. Instead of listening to a therapist, who knew nothing about me, giving suggestions on what I should do, I genuinely did what made me feel better and more comfortable with myself. I am still going strong with that mindset, and it has helped me so much come to terms with the struggles of life and how to navigate them properly to avoid future mental health crises. I am perfectly fine with being vulnerable and sharing my experiences if they will inspire someone else and help them learn and grow as human beings. I will always value that in myself.
I am not saying therapy is bad or ineffective; I am saying it’s not for me. Relationship building with myself and my loved ones ultimately brought me out of darkness. My mental health suffered as a result of terminating relationships that I held dear, and it was only when I re-established them with my loved ones that got me back on track. Once I found the right people for me, it became easier to heal, and I strongly encourage anyone who is struggling from mental health to prioritize yourself and your relationships.